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Jack's words rang through Daniel's brain over and over again like a death knell.  No.  It couldn't be true.  It couldn't be!  There had to be some mistake!

"No!  That can't be true!" he cried aloud, shaking his head in denial and disbelief.  "I remember hearing the shot as I was losing consciousness, so how could I possibly have been the one to shoot her?"

"There was no one else, Daniel," Jack told him.  "I'm sorry."

Sam got to her feet and came up to the archeologist.  "We don't know exactly what happened.  We heard the shot right before we reached the tent.  When we got there, you were unconscious, and Sha . . . Amaunet was dead.  You apparently managed to keep hold of your sidearm throughout the ribboning.  It was still in your hand when we found you."  She looked at him earnestly.  "We don't think you did it on purpose, Daniel.  Janet thinks that it was a result of an involuntary muscle spasm.  It was an accident."

Unable to escape the truth of what he'd done, Daniel felt the walls closing in on him.  He killed Sha're.  He killed the only woman he ever truly loved.

With a choked cry, he fled the room and stumbled into the bathroom.  He crashed to his knees before the toilet, his stomach violently ejecting its contents.  As the heaving ended, the tears returned, guilt rising to overwhelm him.

Daniel had no idea how long he'd been sitting there when Jack came in and knelt beside him.

"Daniel, I know what you're feeling.  I went through it all when Charlie died.  But I want you to listen to me.  This was not your fault.  She was killing you.  Just a couple more seconds, and you would have been dead."

"Sha're wasn't killing me," Daniel said in a lifeless voice.  "Amaunet was.  Sha're would never have hurt me."

"I know, Daniel, but that doesn't change the fact that, if you hadn't pulled that trigger, you would have died.  Do you think Sha're would have wanted that?"

Daniel did not reply, only turning his face away.  "Just go away, Jack.  Please.  All of you just go."

Jack stared at Daniel for several more seconds.  "All right, Daniel.  We'll go, but just for now.  I'm coming back tomorrow to check on you.  And, just so you know, if you ignore my knock, I'll use my key."

Receiving no reply, Jack left the bathroom.  As he approached Sam and Teal'c, the major was watching him anxiously.

"I tried reasoning with him, but he won't listen to me," Jack told them.

"Do you think I should try?" Sam asked.

Jack shook his head.  "He's hurting too much right now.  Nothing any of us say is going to do any good.  We need to just let him be for a while."

"We can't just leave him alone."

"That's what he wants, Carter."

"But, sir!"

Jack caught her eyes.  "Sam, I know how he feels.  Trust me.  After Charlie's death, I didn't want to be around anyone.  One of us staying here will only make him more upset.  We'll leave him alone for the rest of today, but I plan on coming over here tomorrow to check on him."

Sam really did not want to leave.  She was worried sick about Daniel and wanted to stay to watch over him and give him what comfort she could.  But, out of all of them, Jack was the one who would understand most what Daniel was feeling, and if he thought it was best for them to leave Daniel alone for now, she had to accept that.

Daniel heard the sound of his teammates leaving.  Relieved that they were gone, he went to his bedroom and laid down.  As he lay there, he thought about the fact that Sha're would never share this bed with him.  All his hopes and dreams of saving her were gone – and he was the one who destroyed them.

Daniel wished that he had been the one to die, though not by Amaunet's hands.  He would never have wanted Sha're to suffer the guilt of having a part in his death.  He wished, instead, that he had died on some other mission.  Then he wouldn't have gone back to Abydos, and Sha're would be alive.  There would still be hope that, someday, she'd be freed from her captivity.

The hours crawled by as Daniel sank deeper into his guilt.  It was all his fault.  If he hadn't gone to that tent alone, he and his teammates could have gone together and captured Amaunet.  But why go back only to Tuesday?  His guilt went back much farther than that, to the day he foolishly reopened Abydos' Stargate, thereby allowing Apophis to come through.

So many mistakes, mistakes that cost the freedom, then the life of the woman he loved.  He had been a stupid fool, not worthy of the love Sha're gave to him.  She would have been better off if he'd gone back to Earth after the first mission.

The day slowly passed into night, then the night into early morning as the grief and crushing guilt kept him awake.  He wished that he could fall asleep and never wake up, to drift forever in blissful ignorance.

Remembering something, Daniel got up and went to the bathroom.  There in the medicine cabinet was a bottle of sleeping pills, prescribed for him by Janet when he was having trouble sleeping after the incident with Ma'chello's Goa'uld-killing slugs.  He ended up taking them only a couple of times, so there were still plenty left.

Daniel picked up the bottle and looked at it.  The directions said to take only one.  He would need more than one.

A few minutes later, Daniel was back on the bed, not bothering with the covers.  After a while, he felt the drug slowly take hold.  Lethargy spread throughout his body and mind, making him feel like he was floating.

The last thing he saw before drifting away was the now empty bottle of sleeping pills sitting on his bedside table.

Jack strode down the hallway.  He wasn't expecting things to be any better with Daniel than they were yesterday, but he intended to do all he could to pull his friend out of the dark place the archeologist was no doubt residing.

Throughout the long night Jack had tried to figure out what he should do.  He had never been the kind of guy who always knew the right words to speak in situations like this.  In fact, he'd be a lot more comfortable getting the person roaring drunk.  It was Daniel who had the gift for words, not him.  In fact, it was that very gift that saved Jack from his own guilt.

"I don't wanna die.  Your men don't wanna die.  These people don't wanna die.  It's a shame you're in such a hurry to."

They were words that Jack would never forget, words that gave him the nudge he needed to pull himself out of his funk on that first mission to Abydos and fight to save not just his own life but the lives of his surviving team members and the Abydonians.  Daniel had given him those words, and he now needed to find the words to save his friend from the same kind of guilt and grief.

Jack wasn't really surprised when he received no answer to his knock.  As he had warned Daniel, he didn't let it stop him.  The apartment was still and silent as he entered.  A glance at the coffee pot revealed it to be empty, which meant that either Daniel hadn't gotten up yet or had not bothered fixing his favorite beverage.  The former was more likely.

Jack made his way to the bedroom.  He found Daniel lying on the bed, on top of the covers, wearing the same clothes he had on yesterday.  That was definitely not a good sign.

As he took a step toward Daniel, wondering whether or not he should wake the man, Jack's eyes fell upon something else.  It sat ominously on the table beside the bed, cap off . . . and empty.

'No,' Jack's mind whispered, sick dread rising inside him.  He dashed forward, questing fingers reaching for a pulse.  He found one, slow and faint.  He feared that it would stop at any moment.

Near-panic gripping him, Jack grabbed hold of Daniel's shoulders and began to shake.

"Daniel!  Daniel, wake up!"  When he got no response at all, he shook harder.  "Damn you, Daniel.  Don't you do this to us!  Don't you cop out on us like this!"

A low moan from the archeologist made Jack's breath halt.  "That's it.  Come on, Danny.  Come on, buddy."

Oh so slowly, Daniel's eyes opened, drug-hazed and unfocused.

"Jack?" he mumbled.

"Daniel, how many pills did you take?"

Daniel's eyes were at half-mast, and he appeared barely conscious.  "Hmm?"

"How many sleeping pills?"  When his friend's eyes began to slide back shut, Jack shook him again.  "Tell me!"


The answer made the colonel still in surprise.  "Two?"

"Knew that one wouldn't be enough."

"But . . . but the bottle is empty."

"Spilled in the sink."

Relief so intense that it was almost painful made Jack feel weak in the knees.  He stood up straight.

"Damn," he whispered, running a shaky hand over his face.

Feeling the need to sit down, Jack left the bedroom and all but fell into Daniel's recliner.  He'd been there for perhaps a minute when Daniel, weaving like a drunk, staggered into the living room.  He plopped down on the couch, looking like he was about to fall back asleep.

"You thought I took them all."

Jack sighed.  "Yeah.  Scared the crap out of me."


"No, it's not your fault."  He studied the younger man.  "You should go back to bed.  You're only half awake as it is."

"I'll just sit here for a while."


Daniel rested his head on the backrest.  Jack watched him and waited.  It didn't take long, maybe twenty seconds.  Jack fetched a blanket and pillow for the sleeping archeologist and got him into a horizontal position.  The colonel rested a hand on the younger man's short brown hair.

"You'll get through this, Daniel.  We're all gonna make sure of that."

Jack went to the phone and called the base infirmary, asking for Janet.

"Hey, Doc.  It's Jack.  I'm here at Daniel's place.  I found him totally out of it.  He took a double dose of those sleeping pills you prescribed for him a while back, and I just wanted to make sure that I don't have to haul his ass in there to get his stomach pumped."

"Is his breathing all right?"

At the very moment that Jack opened his mouth to reply, Daniel began to snore softly.  Smiling in amusement, the colonel said, "Appears to be."

"He should be all right, then, though it was very unwise for him to take a double dose of such a strong sedative.  I'd feel better if you don't leave him alone."

"I'm not planning to."

Janet paused for a moment before asking, "How is he doing otherwise?"

"That I won't know until he rejoins the land of the conscious."

"Sam told me that he took the news very badly."

"Yeah, that's an understatement.  It might not have been so bad if all we'd told him was that Sha're was dead.  I think the guilt is hitting him a lot harder than the grief."

"That's understandable.  I've been thinking that he might benefit from speaking with a professional about this."

Jack made an ugly sound.  "You mean a psychologist?  That quack MacKensie wouldn't know the right way to approach this any more than he'd know how to find a caring heart in that tomb of a chest cavity he's got."

"I wasn't talking about Doctor MacKensie, sir.  There are other psychologists attached to the program, ones who specialize in grief counseling.  Sadly, we've had to make use of them more than once here."

"I doubt that he'd be willing to talk to one, especially not after his last experience with a member of the psychiatric community."

Janet let out a sigh, knowing that the colonel was probably right.  "I'm just concerned about him, sir."

"So am I.  So are we all."

"I need to get back to a patient, Colonel.  If anything changes for the worse in Daniel's condition, call me right away."

Jack hung up the phone and went into the kitchen to fix himself a cup of coffee, figuring that he'd be waiting for a while.  As the coffee brewed, he called Sam and filled her in.

"I feel so awful," she said.  "I wish I knew what to do to make him feel better."

"You and me both."

Sam hesitated a moment.  "Sir, what about the funeral?"

Crap.  He'd forgotten about that.  It was in two days.

"I know that Daniel's going to want to be there," Sam said, "but, considering the circumstances of her death. . . ."

"Yeah."  Jack remembered with crystal clarity how he felt at Charlie's funeral.  The guilt got so bad that he'd had thoughts of putting a bullet in his brain right there at the service.

"Kasuf doesn't know it was Daniel who killed Sha're, does he?" Sam asked.

"No, and he's not going to.  Daniel will probably think that he needs to tell him, but I'll dissuade him.  The man lost his daughter.  He doesn't need to know that it was his son-in-law who killed her."

"I agree.  Are you going to be with Daniel for the whole day?"

"That all depends on him.  He'll probably try to boot me out once he's fully cognizant."

"Please call me if you think I should come over."

"Will do."

The two said goodbye.  Jack poured himself a cup of the freshly brewed coffee and returned to the living room.  He turned on the TV, preparing to wait for Daniel's return to consciousness – and to the long and difficult road that lay ahead for his best friend.

The hot Abydonian sun shone down upon all those present.  Sam glanced about, recognizing the faces of some of the native people, having met them on her first mission to this planet.  The major's eyes then went to the wrapped body that lay in the open grave before her.  She remembered the first time she saw Sha're.  She had been a little envious of the woman's stunning, exotic beauty and gorgeous figure.  She had been more than a little envious that the woman had snagged a catch like Doctor Daniel Jackson.

Catherine had told Sam all about the extraordinarily brilliant young man who made everyone else look like idiots when, after a mere two weeks, he figured out something the rest of them had failed to do in two years, doing it without even knowing about the existence of the Stargate.  From the papers he'd published Sam had learned even more.  She had been so eager to meet him on that mission, knowing instinctively that she was going to like him.  She could not have known then that she would come to feel so much more.

Sam's gaze at last came to rest on the subject of her thoughts.  Daniel stood still and silent, eyes on the ground.  He was dressed in the same sand-colored robes as the Abydonians, and she wondered if they might be the ones he was wearing when she first met him.  He had spoken not a word the entire morning, not even to all the people who expressed their condolences at the SGC.  His face was shuttered, emotionless.  But his eyes.  Sam had gotten a glimpse of them when everyone reached the burial site, and the look in them cut right through her.  Those eyes were now hidden behind sunglasses, so she couldn't see the pain that she knew was still there.

Over the past two days, she and her other teammates had done what they could to make Daniel see that he was not to blame for Sha're's death, but he was having none of it.  All the logical arguments in the world couldn't get through the guilt he was heaping upon himself.  He hadn't set foot outside his apartment, not even to get the mail, and every time Sam stopped by to check on him, he barely spoke.  She was terribly worried about him, wondering if he would ever find acceptance for what happened and move on.

Sam's thoughts were broken by the approach of Kasuf.  He came up to where she, Jack, Teal'c, Janet and General Hammond stood.

"Thank you for honoring my daughter with your presence," he said.

"We wouldn't be anywhere else, Kasuf," Jack told him.

The leader of the Abydonians looked up at the position of the sun.  "It is time."  He turned around and went over to the head of the grave.  He lifted his arms and face to the sky and began speaking a prayer in Abydonian.  Once he was finished, Daniel removed his sunglasses, stepped forward, and knelt before a small stand upon which sat a pair of scales.

"I speak for Sha're who can no longer speak for herself," he said, his voice rock-steady.  He then repeated the words in Abydonian, which he did from then on after every sentence.  "I have spoken no lies nor acted with deceit.  I was once possessed by a demon who did these things against my will.  The demon is gone, and now I am without sin.  Grant me a place in your blessed dwelling."  He placed a white feather on one side of the scales.  "If my heart weighs more than a feather my soul still contains sin.  If not, may my soul join the god."

Kasuf and the other Abydonians all raised their hands heavenward.  Daniel got to his feet, his eyes not leaving the scales, which remained balanced.

"By the trial of the Great Scales, thy heart is light," he said.  "Thy soul has been found true."

Sam, Jack, Teal'c, Hammond and Janet took a step back, then bent over and grasped the end of a large piece of cloth upon which was a thick layer of sand.  Five Abydonians took hold of a matching one on the other side of the grave.  They pulled the pieces of cloth up, and the sand began pouring into the grave, covering Sha're's body.  Soon it was completely hidden from view.

Once the last of the sand was gone, Sam looked up from the grave and saw Daniel turn around and walk away, disappearing from view behind a tent.

Kasuf came back over, his gaze briefly going off in the direction Daniel had taken.

"My good son's heart lays heavy in his breast," he said in a sorrow-filled voice.  "He loved my daughter well."

"Yes, he did," Jack responded.

The bearded man focused his gaze intently upon the colonel.  "You are his good friend.  You must give him strength when he is weak."

"We all will, Kasuf.  I promise."

Sha're's father nodded solemnly, then walked away.

"I feel so sorry for him," Janet said.  "He's lost both of his children, though I suppose there's still some hope that Skaara will be freed."

"Kasuf is a strong man," Jack said.  "He has to be.  And we will find Skaara.  We couldn't save Sha're, but we are damn well going to save him."

Sam really wasn't paying all that much attention to the conversation.  She was too busy thinking about Daniel.

"I'm going to go find Daniel," she said.

"You should just leave him be, Carter," her C.O. said.

Sam shook her head.  "Not this time, sir."

Not waiting for Jack to say anything else, Sam went off in search of the archeologist.  She found his trail in the sand and followed it, soon realizing where he was going.

As soon as the astrophysicist stepped into the massive chamber, she felt the temperature drop dramatically.  As her eyes grew accustomed to the low light, she began looking around, thinking about the other time she was there.  She remembered every word of the conversation she had with Daniel, the thrill she felt when she discovered that he really was as smart as Catherine said, the even greater thrill of realizing that the Stargate went to far more places than just Abydos.  So many things had changed since that day.

Sam looked over at Daniel, who was standing before one of the cartouches, gazing up at it.  She quietly joined him.

"I was so excited when I found this place," he said.  "All I could think about was all the wonders that must be out there in the galaxy, all the fascinating civilizations.  I couldn't wait to see it all.  The Abydonians were worried when I said that I wanted to unbury the gate.  I told them that there was nothing to worry about.  Ra was dead.  There was nothing else to fear."  His gaze fell.  "I was so stupid.  That stupidity cost Sha're her life."

"Daniel, you couldn't have known that Ra wasn't the only one.  The writing you found said that he was the last of his kind.  You had every reason to believe that opening the gate would be perfectly safe."

Daniel shook his head.  "I still shouldn't have done it.  What was I thinking I was going to do, go merrily traipsing through the Stargate to alien worlds with no idea what was on the other side?  That would have gotten me killed really fast, even if there were no Goa'uld out there.  And I shouldn't have wanted to go in the first place.  I had a beautiful, wonderful woman who loved me and a life with people who respected me.  I should have been content with that."

Sam decided to try a different tactic.  "All right, then why weren't you?"

"I don't know."

"Yes, you do, Daniel."

The archeologist sighed, closing his eyes for a moment.  "It was the knowledge, the . . . the thrill of discovery.  All my life, I've had this . . . this need to know, to learn.  When I was on digs with my parents, I used to pester everyone for every scrap of knowledge they possessed, especially about archeology, history and languages.  I couldn't get enough.  When I discovered this place and realized what the cartouches were, all I could think about was all the knowledge that was out there, waiting to be found."

Sam nodded.  "Because that's the kind of person you are, Daniel.  You couldn't help but feel that way.  If it had been me in your place, I'd have felt the same way."

Daniel's head shook.  "You'd have had more sense than to seriously consider going through a Stargate without any idea of what was on the other side."

"I'm not so sure of that, Daniel.  Yes, I would have been aware of the danger, but, in the end, the lure of discovery would have overwhelmed that.  Ernest Littlefield was a learned scientist, yet he stepped through the Stargate with no clue at all about what might lay on the other side.  A great many smart people have chosen to venture into the unknown.  That is a part of who we are as human beings."

Sam stepped around in front of Daniel.  "Daniel, wanting to go out there and explore the galaxy was not a betrayal of your love for Sha're.  You could not deny something that is a fundamental part of your nature.  And I'm betting that she understood that."

Daniel walked away, his arms wrapping around his body in his signature self-hug.  "If I could have her back, I'd stay with her here on Abydos for the rest of my life."  His voice dropped to a whisper.  "Because of me, that will never happen."

"Daniel, please stop torturing yourself," Sam pleaded.  "Do you think Sha're would want that?  It would tear her apart to see you doing this to yourself.  You said that you would have died for her.  I know that she would have done the same for you.  I know that, in her place, I would far rather be dead than live with your death."

Sam took a step forward.  "And I want you to think about something else as well.  If she hadn't died and we hadn't captured her, how many more years would have passed before we freed her?  What if we never freed her?  She would have had to live through the hell of being a host year after year, century after century.  I know how she'd have felt, Daniel.  Believe me.  When Jolinar took me as her host, before I realized that she was not like the other Goa'uld, I wanted to die.  The thought of my body being enslaved by one of those creatures forever was so horrifying that, if I could have spoken with my own voice, I'd have begged Colonel O'Neill to put a bullet through my heart."

Daniel's eyes clamped tightly shut, his heart torn by what Sam was saying.  She drew even closer to him.

"I know, Daniel," she said, almost crying, "I know that, in that last moment before she died, Sha're thanked you for freeing her.  I know that she didn't blame you, that all she felt was gratitude and relief that you stopped her from living through the worst hell of all: watching the man she loved die before her eyes."

Daniel's breath caught on a half-sob.  Hearing that sound, Sam closed the final distance between them and gathered him into her arms.  She held on as he cried, her own tears falling unnoticed down her cheeks.

It was a long time before Daniel quieted.  He pulled away from Sam, wiping his face, embarrassed about losing control like that.  She knew instantly what he was thinking.

"Daniel, please don't be embarrassed.  Whenever I needed a friend, you were there for me, and now I am here for you."

Daniel nodded slightly, a weak smile of gratitude on his lips.  His gaze returned to the Stargate addresses whose discovery ultimately led to his wife's death.

"I wanted to save her so badly."

"I know you did, Daniel.  I wanted that for you, too."  And she had.  As much as she had fantasized about having him for her own, she would have gladly sacrificed those dreams in exchange for giving him back the woman he adored and seeing him happy.

Sam gave Daniel's arm a gentle rub.  "Do you want to stay here for a while longer?"

He nodded.  "I just need to. . . ."

Sam smiled in understanding.  "Yes, I know."  In his shoes, she'd feel the need to compose herself, too.  "I'll go on back to the others."


Daniel watched Sam leave.  He was grateful for the things she'd said.  He knew that she was right.  Sha're would far rather be dead than remain a host forever, and she would far rather have died than see him die instead.  Yet, even knowing that, Daniel could not escape the guilt of being the one who killed her.  But would it have been better if it had been one of his teammates?  If they had arrived just a little sooner and seen what was happening, one of them might very well have shot Sha're and not taken the time to aim where it would not be fatal.  What would he have felt then?  He remembered what he felt when he thought that it was Jack who pulled the trigger.  Would hating one of his teammates be better than hating himself?

Wiping the last trace of wetness from his face, Daniel took one final look around the chamber, knowing that he would never see it again.  He could never return to this world that gave birth to his beloved Sha're, for he could not continue to look upon the faces of her father and the other people who loved her, knowing that they'd never see her again because of him.

Daniel walked purposely down the base corridor.  It had been two days since the funeral, and this was the first time he'd been here since then.  He would really rather not be here today either.  Just about everywhere he turned people were looking at him with sympathetic eyes, and he'd only been here for a few minutes.  His teammates didn't even know he was here, although that would change very soon.

Reaching his destination, he glanced inside.

"General Hammond?"

The man looked up from some papers.  "Doctor Jackson.  I didn't know you were here."

"I just got here a few minutes ago."

Hammond gazed at him with compassion in his light blue eyes.  "How are you doing, Son?"

"I've, um . . . been better, sir."  Daniel stepped into the room.  He looked down at the folder in his hand, then pulled from it a white envelope, which he handed to the general.  "I'm tendering my resignation, General."

Startled and appalled, Hammond stared at him.  "Daniel, I know that this has been hard on you, as it would be on anyone in your position, but I must ask you to reconsider.  Don't let your wife's death destroy what you have found here."

"General, I joined this program for one reason, and that was to find my wife.  Well, I found her, and I killed her.  There's no more reason to stay."

Alarmed by Daniel's second sentence and the emotionless tone of voice in which it had been spoken, Hammond leaned forward.

"Please take a seat, Doctor Jackson."

"Sir, I'd really like to get started packing up my office."

Hammond's voice firmed.  "Doctor Jackson, until this resignation has been processed, you are still under my command, so I would appreciate it if you would do what I say."

Feeling like a kid who had just been chastised, Daniel obediently sat down.  The general studied him.

"Doctor Jackson . . . Daniel, trust me when I say that I know what guilt feels like.  As a commander in the military I have sent a lot of good people to their deaths.  Sometimes, those deaths happened because of an error in judgment on my part.  I carry those deaths on my conscience every day of my life.  Guilt like that can eat you alive, if you let it.  But that does neither you nor anyone else any good.  We all make mistakes.  We all do things without first thinking them through.  The trick is to use those mistakes to make us stronger and wiser.  Your wife is gone, and you have to learn to live with that and how it happened.  Doing any less would be unfair not just to you but also to her memory.  She would want you to move on."

Daniel stared at the desktop, not replying for several seconds.  "I know she would, General, but I can't move on in this place."  He lifted his gaze to the man.  "It no longer has any meaning for me."

Hammond sighed, disappointed by the response but not really surprised.

"All right, Daniel.  I do understand.  I will start processing your resignation today.  Have you told your teammates yet?"

"No, sir.  I wanted to give you the letter before I said anything to them.  I was afraid that Jack would rip it up if I told him first."

The general smiled a little sadly.  "Do you want me to tell them?"

Daniel visibly relaxed.  "Would you, sir?  I've been kind of dreading it."

"Of course."

The archeologist got to his feet.  Before turning away he met the general's gaze once more.  "I want to thank you for everything, sir.  Before I became involved in all of this, I never imagined a time when I would be under the command of someone in the military, and I want you to know that you made it a better experience than I think anyone else ever could have."

Deeply touched by the younger man's words, General Hammond said, "Thank you.  I am honored that you would feel that way.  There's something I want you to know as well, Daniel.  I have had a lot of fine people under my command over the years, people I greatly admired and respected, yet there is not one of them that I felt more admiration and respect for than you."

Shocked and touched beyond words, Daniel didn't know what to say.

Hammond got to his feet and held his hand out to Daniel, who took it in a firm grasp.  "Goodbye, Doctor Jackson.  Please know that, if there is ever a time when you feel like you can come back to us, you will be welcomed with open arms."

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