CHAPTER TWO
Breakfast was tense and uncomfortable, at least for two people sitting at the table. As Cam and Vala talked, Sam and Daniel stared at their food, occasionally taking a bite. They dared not look at each other for fear that the others would see the expression on their faces and know that something was going on.
"You two are awfully quiet this morning," Lieutenant Colonel Cameron Mitchell observed.
"Didn't get much sleep," Daniel quickly replied.
"Me neither," Sam said.
Cam took a bite of his eggs. "Really? I slept like a log. I guess it's the fresh sea air. Too bad we can't stay here for a few days. I wonder if anyone's ever tried waterskiing behind a puddle jumper. Or we could all find a beach and do some swimming and sunbathing."
Vala smiled at the second idea. "Ooh, now that sounds intriguing. Since none of us brought any bathing suits, we'd all just have to do without." Her smile became very suggestive.
The implication of nudity made Daniel and Sam glance at each other, then quickly away.
They were both relieved when the meal was over. A short while later, everyone was onboard the Odyssey.
"Send our regards to General Landry," Elizabeth Weir's voice said through the speakers on the bridge.
"We'll do that," responded Colonel Emerson. He turned to Major Marks. "Let's take her home, Major."
"Yes, sir."
The ship lifted into the air. Minutes later, it left the planet's atmosphere and jumped into hyperspace.
Cameron turned to his teammates. "The beginning of another eighteen days stuck on this ship. I'm heading off to the gym. How about you, Jackson?"
"Um . . . yeah, I'll be there in a few minutes."
Cam looked at his fellow lieutenant colonel. "Sam?"
The thought of being in the gym at the same time as Daniel, seeing him working out, exercising muscles that she now had a great deal more intimate knowledge of, made Sam more nervous than a roomful of Priors would.
"Uh, no. I . . . have some other things I want to do. I'll see you guys later." She left the bridge and went to the room that had been acting as her lab. She headed straight to the computer and logged on, getting to work on a project that she'd been doing in her spare time.
Sam managed to devote all of ten minutes to the project before her mind started drifting to the one thing she didn't want it to, the thing that had plagued her since leaving Daniel's room, making it impossible for her to get more than a few scattered minutes of sleep the rest of the night.
"Dammit," Sam cursed softly. She got up from the desk and went over to a device on the worktable. She began fiddling with it, rearranging wires, adjusting the position of a couple of circuit boards, all in an effort to get her mind off that other thing. But it was useless. She just couldn't stop thinking about it.
Ever since Sam finally gave up, once and for all, the thought of being with Jack someday, she'd been feeling progressively more lonely and dissatisfied with her life. The situation with the Ori, suffering so many losses and defeats with only a handful of victories in between, had made it even worse. The work that had always energized her, enabled her to get her mind off most of her troubles, was now overshadowed by the ever-growing threat of the Ori.
Once or twice, Sam had actually toyed with the idea of quitting the Air Force, of going off somewhere and teaching theoretical astrophysics to a bunch of bright college students, to finally have a personal life. But that would be the coward's way out. And could she really go off and have a normal life while carrying the knowledge that, at any moment, the Ori could decide to attack Earth? No. She couldn't quit and walk away from their battle to save the galaxy. To do so would be unthinkable.
The one thing Sam hadn't done was consider getting back in the dating game. The last time she tried that had been a disaster. Every time love or the potential for love had come into her life it had been lost. Sam knew that, with Pete, it had been her own fault, but there had been those other times when death had taken away someone she cared deeply for.
Sam had come to the conclusion that she was never going to have a lasting relationship with a man. She was afraid to even try again, to let someone into her life like that. Every single time she had in the past, it had ended badly. She just couldn't go through that again. There were just so many times that you could let yourself go through things like that, and she had reached her limit.
The truth was that, even before she met Pete, she'd become afraid of commitment, already having suffered too much heartache. Her break-up with him had been because of a lot more than just her unresolved feelings for Jack and the grief over the death of her father. It wasn't until weeks later than Sam had been honest enough with herself to admit these things. Even if her dad hadn't died, she would never have made it to the altar with Pete. One way or another, she'd have ended it. And if she hadn't, if she'd actually gone through with it out of sheer stubbornness and the need to have someone to come home to each night, it's unlikely that it would have lasted for long, which would have been even worse than what happened.
Against her will, Sam's thoughts returned to Daniel and what happened between them. She knew why she'd let it happen. She'd been desperate to drive away the loneliness and sorrow, to feel alive, if only for a few brief moments. But it should never have happened, not with Daniel. It had been stupid and foolish, even more so because of the fact that she couldn't get it out of her mind. She couldn't stop thinking about being in Daniel's arms, his kisses and touches, feeling him so deep inside her. Who'd have thought that Doctor Daniel Jackson would be such an incredible lover, that he would make love like . . . like that? It had been the single most powerful sexual experience of her life – and it could never happen again. Even if they weren't teammates, she could never take the chance of having a relationship with Daniel only to lose it all for one reason or another.
Besides, it's not like she actually wanted to have a relationship with him. It was Daniel, for crying out loud. Granted, he was a wonderful, passionate, brilliant and very handsome man, and she was sure that there were a whole lot of women who'd want him for a boyfriend, but he was just a friend to her. That's all. In fact, why had she even been thinking about a relationship with him? What happened last night was just . . . just . . . fantastic.
'Dammit!' Sam yelled in her mind.
Striding back to her computer purposefully, Sam sat down, determined that she was going to drive these thought about Daniel out of her head.
Cameron Mitchell stared at the man working out across the room. Daniel was being especially . . . energetic with his workout today, pushing himself far more than he usually did. He was drenched in sweat, and his face was flushed, but he was still going at it and showing no signs of stopping any time soon. Boy, was he going to be sore tomorrow.
Finally, Cam decided that he should step in before the man hurt himself. He got off the bench and walked up to Daniel.
"Aren't you pushing yourself kind of hard today? You're making me tired just watching you."
Daniel did not stop what he was doing, which was a set of lat pulls-downs with a whole lot more weight than he usually used. "I'm fine," he grunted.
"Really. Well, I don't want to be the one to have to tell General Landry that you died of a coronary on the trip home, so how about if you give it a rest for a while?"
Daniel paused, then released the bar with a sigh. He reached for his towel and wiped his face, realizing all of a sudden that he was quite tired and that both his pulse and respiration were way higher than he should have let them get.
Cameron sat on the bench next to the machine Daniel had been using. "So, you wanna tell me what's going on?"
"Nothing's going on," Daniel responded shortly.
"Uh huh. Try selling me a different brand of snake oil, Jackson, because I'm not buyin' that one. Is this about the stuff with Morgan Le Fay? You really shouldn't let it get to you. She made her choice. Frankly, I'm happy to know that there are at least a few Ascended out there who give a damn about what happens to us."
"Yes, and look at what happens to all of them. Oma, Orlin and, now, Morgan."
Cameron looked at him more closely. "And you."
"That's different."
"Not by my way of thinking."
Daniel got to his feet and walked over to the water cooler, pouring himself some.
"But this is about more than just Morgan, isn't it," Cameron guessed as he rose to his feet and approached the man.
Daniel tossed the paper cup in the trash. "I really don't feel like talking about it, Mitchell."
He left the gym and headed to the lockers, Cameron right on his heels. He was able to get away from the man when he headed off to the showers, though the lieutenant colonel was in the next stall over. Daniel showered and got dressed quickly, hoping to make good his escape. Luck was not on his side, however. He'd barely made it twenty feet down the corridor when Cameron was trotting up to him.
"You know what I think?" Cam asked as they walked.
"No, but I'm sure you'll tell me," Daniel replied wearily.
"I think you need a vacation, have some fun. You're so tightly wound these days that, sooner or later, you're going to snap if you don't release some of that tension."
"I don't have time for a vacation. We're fighting a war against an immensely powerful foe that's bent on galactic domination, in case you haven't noticed."
"Oh, I noticed, Jackson. Believe me. When we were hanging on the rim of that huge black hole that was trying its level best to gobble us up, I was extremely aware of why we were there. But I really think the galaxy can survive you taking a few days off. It'll do you some good."
Daniel thought about Cameron's suggestion. Maybe a vacation would be a good thing, to get away from everyone and everything for a while. But would he be able to relax? Probably not. He would just keep on thinking about the Ori. Actually, what would likely prey on his mind the most was something that had nothing to do with the Ori, the thing that was the real reason why he'd driven himself so hard in the gym. On second thought, a vacation would be a very bad idea. He needed to work, to keep his mind as busy as possible.
"I'm sure the general would let you take some leave, if you want some," he said.
Cam looked at him. "We weren't talking about me. I'm not the one with stress issues. I'm assuming your response means that you're nixing the vacation idea."
"Yep."
Cameron shook his head. "I am seeing an early grave in your future."
"Well, considering how many times I've already died, that really isn't saying much."
Cameron studied Daniel's profile, seeing the tension in the line of the man's jaw. "You know what you really need, Jackson, is to find a woman and get some lovin'."
Daniel stopped so abruptly that Cameron almost tripped over his own feet in his effort to keep from passing the archeologist. For a brief instant, he saw something flash across Daniel's face that had all kinds of questions filling the pilot's head. Then a mask dropped over the archeologist's features with such absoluteness that it was as if his face had been turned to stone. He began walking again, striding past Cameron without a glance. Cam stood in place for a brief moment before hurrying to catch up. Okay, he had definitely hit on something with that remark. Was that panic he'd seen in Jackson's eyes? Maybe, but there had been something else there as well.
Cam thought about it in silence as they covered the rest of the distance to the room that had been set up to serve as Daniel's office. As they entered the room, the pilot suddenly figured out what Daniel's reaction might mean.
"You got lucky, didn't you!" he blurted out. He watched as Daniel's body went as tense as a bow string. "Who was it? One of the scientists on Atlantis? Well, that would definitely explain your mood. You finally get yourself a girl, then have to leave her behind in another galaxy."
Daniel's tension level was rising by leaps and bounds. He had yet to look at Cameron, his back remaining resolutely turned to the man. He didn't dare look at Mitchell for fear that the pilot would figure everything out. Why couldn't the guy just leave, dammit?
But Cam didn't leave. Instead, he said, "So, come on. Who was it? I'm dying to know who you picked after all these years. Was it that pretty blonde I noticed giving you the eye at dinner last night?"
Daniel's control quite suddenly snapped. He rounded on Cameron and took two quick, angry steps forward, the look in his eyes actually scaring the pilot.
"Back off," Daniel bit out in a low, dangerous voice.
Recognizing that he'd pushed the archeologist way too far, Cam lifted his hands and took a step backwards.
"Okay, okay. Backing off. I'm sorry I pushed." He went to the door, turning just before stepping through. "But if you ever do want to talk about it, Jackson, I can be a pretty good listener."
Once the door closed behind Mitchell, the tension inside Daniel released with almost painful suddenness. He lowered himself onto a chair, propped his elbows on the desk and dropped his head into his hands. Damn. He needed to get control of himself. Where was the guy who could come face to face with a Goa'uld and remain utterly cool and calm on the outside? Why couldn't he put what happened with Sam behind him and go back to the way things were before? Why, why, why couldn't he stop thinking about the feeling of her naked body against his, her heat surrounding him, the ecstasy of coming inside her? Probably because it had been too damn long since he'd had that with a woman. But this wasn't just any woman, this was Sam, his friend and teammate, and what went on between them most definitely should not have happened.
There was no doubt about why it did. He'd let his despair take hold, and when Sam held him, his walls came crashing down. In that moment, he'd so desperately needed to feel life rather than death, joy instead of sorrow, pleasure instead of pain. Perhaps even more than that, he'd needed something to dispel the loneliness, to fill the void that had been in his heart since the day Sha're died.
Yes, he was lonely. He liked to believe that he wasn't, that he was just fine being alone, but he was just lying to himself. He longed for love and intimacy as much as any man. But to open his heart to those things meant that he'd take the chance of suffering pain and loss yet again, and that was something he didn't think he could do. It hurt too much to let someone into his heart only to lose them.
The question now was what was he going to do? Trying to ignore what happened wasn't working. It was affecting not only his work but also everything else. He knew that he and Sam should talk about the whole thing, but that was one conversation he really wanted to avoid.
Maybe he just hadn't given it enough time. They'd be home in two and a half weeks. By that time, he was sure that everything would be fine.
Certain of his belief, Daniel turned to his computer and got to work.
Sam glanced over at Daniel where he sat on the other side of the table, his gaze on the dinner before him. It had been a week since the night they had their "encounter", and things still weren't back to normal between them. They avoided situations where they were in close contact, and they hadn't been alone in a room together since it happened. Sam knew that they couldn't keep doing this. It was a miracle that neither Cameron nor Vala had noticed yet. That was probably because, when they were together in the company of other people, she and Daniel were doing a good job of pretending that nothing was wrong. But something was wrong, and Sam knew that she wasn't the only one who was still being affected by what happened. Just yesterday, she and Daniel accidentally bumped into each other in the corridor. He had instinctively grasped her arm to steady her. The touch had lasted all of two seconds before he jerked his hand away as if he'd been burned. They'd given each other hasty apologies, then continued their separate ways.
Sam hated not feeling comfortable around Daniel. He was the one person she'd always felt at ease with, the person she could always be herself with. He'd always seemed to understand her so well, the person who, right from the start, looked past the uniform to the human being underneath.
Now, all that was gone because of a single moment of passion, a moment that she still couldn't forget about, couldn't put in the past. And what made it all the worse was that a big part of her wanted it to happen again. She wanted to feel his large hands on her body again, to taste his mouth, to feel him moving inside her. What happened between them had forever changed her perception of him. He could no longer be just Daniel, her close friend and teammate. Now, he was the man whom she'd shared the most incredibly passionate lovemaking of her life with. How could she ever forget that? She'd been crazy to think that she could.
Why oh why did it have to be Daniel? Why couldn't this have happened with some guy she met who had nothing to do with the program? It would have been a lot easier to handle. And maybe if it had been some guy she'd recently met, she wouldn't also be feeling this other longing, the desire to just be held by Daniel, to sleep in his arms and awaken with a warm human body beside her rather than an empty bed.
Sam looked at Daniel again and happened to catch him looking at her. Their eyes met for several seconds, and she could tell that he was as unhappy about the situation between them as she was. There was regret in his eyes and what looked like sadness.
In that moment, Sam knew that they had to talk. They had to clear the air between them if there was to be any hope of salvaging their friendship.
Daniel walked slowly down the corridor, hands buried in his pockets, eyes on the floor. His destination was not one that he was eager to reach, but one that he had to go to. Tonight at dinner, he'd decided that he and Sam had to talk. Things could not keep going on between them like it had been. Except when in the company of someone else, they barely spoke to each other, they went out of their way to avoid being alone together, and they never ever touched, except by accident. Not that he was ever a tactile person, but he'd never before felt uncomfortable about touching someone who was a friend.
Daniel missed the easy comradery he'd always shared with Sam, the chats about this or that, the occasional brainstorming sessions. True, those last two things hadn't happened very often these past few months, but at least the door had still been open to them. Now, it felt like there was a barrier between them. Actually, it was an elephant, a great big elephant in the room that he created because of a moment of weakness.
Daniel had lost count of how many times he'd cursed himself for his actions. If every time he'd mentally kick himself had left a mark, he'd now be one great big bruise. And the real kicker, the thing that made the whole situation ten times worse, was that the very male part of him wanted it to happen again. He wanted to experience that passion and ecstasy again. That in itself wasn't strange. After all, after going so many years without sex, it was understandable that, now that he'd finally gotten some, he'd really want to do it again. No, the problem was that he didn't want to do it with just anyone, he wanted to do it with Sam.
Daniel was no fool. He knew that all he'd have to do was give her an opening, and Vala would be quite happy to satisfy his sexual needs. Hell, he'd nearly had to beat her off with a stick more than once during that time they were bonded because of those Goa'uld bracelets. But Vala wasn't the one he wanted. She wasn't the one he'd been having erotic dreams about. She wasn't the woman his body ached for.
If someone had told him two weeks ago that there would come a day when he'd be fantasizing about having wild sex with Samantha Carter, he'd have had them committed to the same rubber room that he spent those unforgettable days in when he was infected with that Goa'uld-killing, schizophrenia-inducing little slug of Machello's. But that was before he'd experienced what it was like being with her like that, how incredibly good it had felt to have her in his arms, to kiss her, to be encased in her heat as they soared together to completion. Never before had he experienced an act of lovemaking that was so unrestrained, so wildly passionate.
And then there were the other feelings, the ones that, in a big way, were even worse. It wasn't only sex that he desired. He wanted to hold Sam in his arms and watch her sleep, to wake up in the morning and have a pair of eyes looking back at him. He wanted the simple pleasure of having a woman to hold, and kiss, and just be with. Making love with Sam and waking up with her in his arms had fully awakened that ache inside him, and nothing he did was making it go away.
Daniel finally reached his destination. He stood before the door and took a couple of deep breaths. He was just raising his fist to knock when the door suddenly opened.
"Oh!" Sam exclaimed, taking a startled step backwards. "Daniel!"
"Um . . . hi," the archeologist said, nervousness hitting him full force.
"Hi. I, uh, was just coming to talk to you."
"You were?"
"Yes." Sam met his eyes. "I think we need to talk."
Daniel sighed. "Yeah, we do."
"Well, um, come on in." Sam stepped aside to let him enter.
He came in and looked around, seeing that her room was pretty much a carbon copy of his. He wondered if the U.S. government bought bedroom furnishings and decorations in bulk. Even the bedspread was the same.
Oops. Shouldn't be looking at the bed. Very bad idea.
Daniel turned to face Sam, who looked as nervous as he felt. "I'm sorry," he said softly.
Sam blinked in surprise. "What?"
"I'm sorry about what I did. I'm sorry that I was weak, and stupid, and lost control like that."
"What you did? Daniel, there were two people participating in what happened. Do you honestly think that I couldn't have stopped you if I'd wanted to?"
"No, of course not. You could have laid me out on the floor, if you'd needed to. But I was the one who started it. I was the one who initiated the whole thing."
"Okay, so you made the first move, but it was up to me to stop it from going any further." Sam stepped toward him. "Look, Daniel. I think we both know why it happened. Things have been really hard for all of us ever since the problem with the Ori began. We've suffered so much in this war, seen too much death, had too many losses and not enough victories. On top of that are the previous years fighting the Goa'uld, all the losses and tragedies we suffered in that war. And, during most of that time, neither of us have had a personal life to speak of. I know how lonely I've been. I can't even imagine how lonely you must be. That night, we just . . . lost ourselves in the need to feel something good and stop the loneliness."
Daniel knew that she was right. He'd had very similar thoughts. But then why was it that he wanted to make love to her again? Why, even now, did he want to take her into his arms and kiss her?
"We need to get past this, Daniel," Sam said. "I hate how things have been between us."
"I know. I hate it, too. It's just that. . . ."
"What?"
Daniel shook his head. "Nothing," he said, deciding it would be a very bad idea to tell her that he was still feeling desire for her. He knew, however, that he did have to be honest with her about one thing. "It's just that I can't pretend it didn't happen, Sam. I thought I could, but I can't. I don't think I can ever put things back in my mind to the way they were before. Maybe some people can have a . . . a one-night-stand with someone they know without it affecting how they look at that person, but I'm not one of them."
"Me neither," Sam admitted in a low voice. "I guess we'll just have to . . . to adapt. I know it'll never be exactly like it was before, but I don't want to lose your friendship, Daniel. It means too much to me."
"I don't either, Sam."
Daniel stepped forward, wanting to hug her. But, as his arms lifted, he froze, afraid that touching her would make him want her all the more. He wasn't ready yet to touch her just as a friend. Eventually, he would be, but not yet.
As Daniel's arms dropped, Sam felt a sharp stab of pain pierce through her. He couldn't even touch her. She turned away, trying to hide how much it hurt, but Daniel saw anyway and felt like a jerk.
"Sam, I'm so sorry," he said. "I didn't mean to. . . . I just. . . ." He sighed helplessly. How could he explain without revealing how he felt?
"It's okay," Sam told him in a voice that was pitched a bit too high to be believable. "I understand."
Looking at her stiff back, Daniel decided that Sam's feelings were a lot more important than his wish to hide his desire from her.
"No, I don't think you do," he said. "I didn't stop myself just then because I don't want to touch you, Sam. I stopped myself because I want to touch you too much."
Sam's breath drew inward sharply. Slowly, she turned to face him. "W-what?"
Daniel looked straight into her eyes. "I want you, Sam. I have wanted to make love to you again since the moment I woke up with you in my arms."
"Oh, God," Sam whispered.
"I know it can't happen again. I know that. But it doesn't stop me from wanting it. I've . . ." he blushed slightly, "I've been having dreams about you."
Sam's respiration rate had doubled, along with her pulse. Her throat suddenly felt dry. The desire that she had been desperately fighting to keep a lid on was escaping. She felt flushed with heat, parts of her body already preparing for an act that would never happen. She wanted to grab Daniel, throw him down on the bed, rip his clothes off, and— Dammit, no! It can't happen again. It can't!
Daniel was no longer looking at her, his eyes focused on the floor. "I'm sorry. I guess, down deep inside, I really am just a guy." His mouth twisted into a parody of a smile, which quickly disappeared. "I'm . . . I'm going to go now. I'll see you tomorrow."
Sam watched him leave, frozen in place. As the door shut behind him, she abruptly felt weak. She went to the bed and sat on it heavily. That's when she realized that she was trembling.
What was she going to do? How was she going to get past this overwhelming desire for Daniel? Why did she feel this way? That first time with him had just been a reaction to all the stuff they'd been through, so why the hell did she still want him?
Daniel had admitted that he'd been having dreams about her. She'd been having those kinds of dreams as well, dreams that had her waking up aching for him, wishing he was beside her. And now that she knew he wanted her, too. . . .
Sam sprung to her feet and went to her closet, pulling out her gym clothes. She needed to be doing something, something physical. Maybe if she exercised herself into exhaustion, it would be enough to drive this demon out of her . . . at least for a while.
Cameron sat on the bench, staring at the person working out across the room. Normally, he didn't like working out at night, but he'd felt a bit restless and decided that a short workout might help burn off the excess energy. The last thing he'd expected to see was yet another person working their way toward a coronary. The fact that the person was Sam made it all the more shocking. She was in just about the same state Jackson had been in last week, red-faced, drenched in sweat . . . and showing no sign of stopping any time soon.
And so, for the second time, Cameron decided that it was his duty to rescue a teammate from killing themselves. He got up and walked over to Sam.
"Aren't you overdoing it a bit, Sam?"
"I'm fine," she ground out, huffing out a breath with the effort it was taking to lift the stack of weights she had on the machine.
'I'm getting a real sense of deja vu here,' Cam thought to himself. "Okay, so what's wrong with you?" he asked.
"Why do you think something's wrong?" Sam snapped. "I'm just working out."
"Sam, I've seen you working out before, and you've presently got three times the weight there that you normally use. You also look like you're about ready to keel over."
Sam stopped abruptly, realizing, all of a sudden, that she was exhausted. She wiped her face and neck with her towel, noting how much she was sweating.
"Okay, I guess I was pushing myself a bit too hard," she admitted.
Cameron sat down. "Care to tell me why?"
Sam shook her head. "Something's just . . . bugging me, and I let it really get to me. It's nothing."
Frowning, Cameron watched her get up and head over for a drink of water, her back stiff and tense, just like Daniel's had been.
A thought suddenly hit Cam's mind like a pile driver. No. It couldn't be. No way.
"This . . . couldn't have anything to do with Jackson, could it?" he asked.
Sam choked on the water she'd been drinking. She coughed and gasped for several seconds before managing to say in a slightly panicked voice, "No! W-why would you think it has something to do with Daniel?" Not looking at Cameron, she shook her head. "I'm going to go take my shower and go to bed. I'll see you tomorrow."
As Sam left, Cameron just sat, unmoving, his mouth hanging open. Holy cow! Sam and Daniel? Boy, he hadn't seen that one coming. Just the thought of the two of them having sex blew his mind. Not that they wouldn't make a good couple. They were enough alike to have a strong foundation for a relationship, yet different enough to keep it from being too predictable. Even so, he'd never seen any clue, any hint that those kinds of feelings existed between them. Obviously, this was a new development. Also obvious was the fact that all was not going well.
Should he step in? He didn't want to see the team dynamic ruined because two of his teammates were doing the horizontal mambo. And what about the regs? Okay, so, technically, it wasn't against regulations because Jackson was a civilian, and Sam wasn't the official team leader, but that didn't mean that Landry and other higher-ups would be okay with it. Cam didn't want to lose either of them from the team. He needed both of them. SG-1 needed both of them.
Maybe it was just a fling, a brief affair that would burn itself out quickly. Then everything would go back to the way it was before, and it would all be great.
Hoping that's all it was, Cameron got to his feet and headed off to the showers.
