CHAPTER SIX
Daniel had only just started to lay Sam down on the couch when the reality of what they were doing hit him. With that realization came the knowledge that this was wrong.
Though it was one of the hardest things he'd ever done, Daniel ripped his mouth from Sam's and pushed her a few inches away.
"Sam, stop. We can't do this," he gasped.
"Why? I want you, Daniel. I need you. I need you to make me feel good."
Daniel stared into her eyes. "That's why we can't do this, Sam. Not now, not like this. You're hurting and vulnerable. If we did this, you'd end up hating me for it, and I'd hate myself. You have no idea how much I want to make love to you right now, but it would be the worse thing we could do. You need to see that."
Sam stared back at him for a long moment, then her expression changed to horror and self-loathing. She scrambled off Daniel and shot away across the room.
"Oh, God! I can't believe I did that! How could I have been so stupid, and selfish, and-and-and. . . ." She covered her face, unable to think of a word that described what she was thinking about herself.
A moment later, she felt Daniel's hand on her shoulder. She tried to pull away, but he wouldn't let her. Instead, he pulled her into his arms and held her as she stiffly stood there. He didn't say a word, the hand that ran gently up and down her back saying all that was necessary. After a while, she relaxed and wound her arms around his waist.
"It's going to be okay, Sam," Daniel murmured. "You're not cursed. You're just having a really bad run of luck in the romance department. And, believe me, I'm one who knows."
In spite of herself, Sam let out a snort of laughter. Then she sobered. Yes, Daniel did have firsthand experience with dreadful luck in regards to the opposite sex. First, his wife of only a year gets turned into a Goa'uld. Just a few months later, Hathor rapes him. Then Shyla gets him addicted to the sarcophagus because she wanted him. Only a little more than a year after that, Sha're dies, and the next woman he forms an attraction to turns out to be Linea, Destroyer of Worlds. To top it all off, an ex-girlfriend of his gets Goa'ulded. And here she thought that her love life was the pits. Daniel had suffered nothing but one horrible, trauma-inducing disaster after another for over seven years!
Sam pulled back and looked at her best friend. "Daniel, I'm sorry. What I did was wrong and so unfair to you. Will you forgive me?"
Daniel smiled at her. "There's nothing to forgive."
"Yes, there is, but I'm not going to argue about it now." Sam gave a sigh. "I'm feeling pretty tired. I think I'm going to go to bed."
"Okay. I think that's a good idea. You get some rest. I'll hang around in case you wake up and need to talk."
"That's not necessary, Daniel."
"I know, but I want to. That is if it's okay with you."
Sam gave him a smile. "Yeah, that's okay with me."
"Good. Just lend me a pillow and a blanket, and I'll be all set."
Sam nodded and headed for the linen closet. She paused halfway there. "Daniel, would. . . ."
"What?"
She shook her head. "Nothing. I'm just being stupid, weak and selfish again. Forget it."
Daniel walked up to her and faced her. "Sam, tell me."
Sam's gaze dropped to the floor and stayed there as her face turned pink. "I just, um . . . thought that it would be nice if you, uh . . . didn't sleep on the couch."
It took a couple of seconds for Daniel to figure out what she meant. When he did, he went still. Could he do it? Could he sleep in the same bed as Sam and not lay awake all night wanting more? He didn't know, but if being there with her would help bring her comfort, then it didn't matter how hard it was for him to endure.
Daniel gave her a smile. "Go on and get dressed for bed. I'll make sure everything's locked up," he said casually, as if they were an old married couple getting ready to retire for the night. "Oh, uhhhh . . . I don't have anything to wear to bed. If I was sleeping out here, I'd just go with my T-shirt and boxers, but, um. . . ." He blushed.
"I think there are some of Pete's pajama bottoms here. You're taller than he is, but they should fit okay, maybe just a little short in the legs."
Sam got dressed for bed as Daniel checked to see if the windows and doors were all locked. Once Sam was out of the bathroom, she went looking for something for Daniel to wear. She was beginning to get nervous about having him sleep in her bed with her. At the time she thought of it, she just wanted the comfort of someone there beside her, but, now, she was thinking that this might be a really bad idea. Not that she didn't trust Daniel. On the contrary, the fact that he didn't take advantage of her when she threw herself at him proved beyond doubt that he was an honorable man. She was more concerned about her own reactions. Even with all the sorrow over Pete, she was still very attracted to Daniel. The episode on the couch had sent her into a frenzy of desire. She had wanted Daniel, really, really wanted him, and, though the level of her need had been heightened by her pain over losing Pete, there was still a very real desire for him within her.
Sam was tempted to tell Daniel that she'd changed her mind, but she didn't. More powerful than her desire for him was the longing to lie in his arms and feel the love she knew he felt for her, the love of a dear and precious friend.
Sam didn't find any clean pajama bottoms for Daniel, but she did find some sweat pants and a large T-shirt that had "Denver Police Department" printed on it. She hesitated a moment before taking the clothing out to the archeologist, who was sitting on the couch.
"I didn't find any pajamas, but I've got these," she said, handing the sweats and T-shirt to him. Daniel stared at the shirt, then looked up at her, a question in his eyes. She gave him a smile. "It's okay."
Giving a short nod, Daniel got up and went to the bathroom. Sam drank a glass of water to moisturize her suddenly dry throat, then went to the bedroom. She sat on the edge of the bed and tried to calm herself.
When Daniel entered the bedroom, he found Sam nervously twisting the hem of her pajama top.
"I can still sleep on the couch, you know," he told her quietly.
Sam gazed at him for several seconds, then, without a word, laid down on the left side of the bed and pulled the covers back on the other side. Accepting the invitation, Daniel climbed in beside her.
For a while, they laid silently side by side, both of them on their backs, staring up at the ceiling. Then a brief chuckle escaped Daniel's lips.
"What? What are you laughing at?" Sam asked, turning to him.
"Oh, I was just thinking that this isn't exactly the way I imagined things going the next time I actually found myself in bed with a woman." He looked at her and grinned.
A huge smile brightened Sam's face. She rolled onto her side and propped her head up on her hand to look at him. "You mean that, after all this time, you haven't forgotten how to do all that stuff?"
"No, not quite, though I hate to think of how rusty I'd be."
Daniel's smile faded, and he searched her eyes, nothing but tenderness and compassion in his gaze. Then he gently drew her into his arms. Sam snuggled against him, head on his chest, and gave a contented sigh. A moment later, she was asleep.
With a smile, Daniel gazed down at her for a long while, feeling his heart fill with a warm, joyful glow. He brushed the lightest of kisses over Sam's brow, then closed his eyes, soon joining her in sleep.
It was still dark when Sam awoke. For a brief moment, she thought that the warm male body lying next to her was Pete, but then all the memories of the day's events returned, and Sam opened her eyes. She and Daniel were both on their sides, facing each other. His left arm was around her waist, holding her close, the right one trapped between their bodies. They were sharing the same pillow, foreheads nearly touching, legs tangled together. Though the position was very intimate, at that moment, Sam was feeling no arousal.
Realizing that she had a rare opportunity, Sam studied the face that was so close to her own. In sleep, all the lines that had formed over these years of pain and hardship were gone, leaving Daniel looking nearly as young as he did the day she first met him. It was a face she knew well, one upon which she had seen virtually every emotion known to man, from the love he felt for her and his other friends to his hatred for the Goa'uld, from the joy of finding some new, wondrous discovery to the sorrow of burying his wife, from the courage when he stood against overwhelming odds and did not back down to the fear found in a white padded room. She had seen his tears and his smiles, heard his laughter and his cries of pain.
Daniel had a face that reflected the gentleness and compassion of his spirit. It was a good face, very handsome, yet not so much so that he looked too perfect . . . though he did have perfect lips. Sam smiled, wondering what he would say if she told him that last part.
What always struck Sam the most about Daniel were his eyes, the blue so brilliant and crystal clear that you'd almost think he was wearing colored contact lenses. Those eyes could hold so much emotion, yet, at other times, hide it all behind an impenetrable wall. She had watched those eyes age decades in the years she'd known him, the youthful sparkle slowly dim as one hope after another was cruelly taken from him, as the pain in his life heaped higher and higher. For a long time before his ascension, Sam almost never saw his eyes smile, never saw that brilliant spark that so often lit them when he found some new wonder. Thinking about it now, she knew that they lost a big part of Daniel long before he left them for real.
Since returning to them, Sam had seen some of that old sparkle come back to Daniel eyes, the shadow within them lifting to let the brilliance shine through. He seemed much happier now than he had been for a long time. What had brought about the change was something she didn't know. Maybe his ascension taught him something, succeeded in bringing him a sense of peace that had eluded him before.
Yet, despite all the changes that were wrought within him over these years, the core of Daniel had remained the same. He never stopped being the caring, noble, self-sacrificing man she'd first met on a desert planet hundreds of light-years away.
As Sam continued gazing at Daniel's sleeping face, the thought came to her that he really was beautiful, not just on the outside, but also on the inside. He had a beautiful heart and soul. How many guys would do this for a woman they weren't romantically involved with? Sam knew that this physical attraction was shared by him. That had been made abundantly clear every time they kissed. It couldn't have been easy for him to lie in this bed beside her and remain a complete gentleman. Yet he had done it for her sake. How did she ever get so lucky as to have someone like him for a friend?
But did she want him as just a friend? The things she'd been feeling for him lately were most certainly not things you'd feel for just a friend. You didn't fantasize about someone who was no more than a friend to you.
And then there was that other thing, the feelings that were beyond the sexual desire, emotions that were deeper than anything she'd ever felt before. Her heart was trying to tell her what those feelings meant, but her brain was refusing to listen.
Choosing again not to think about it, Sam closed her eyes and, with an effort, cleared her mind. A while later, sleep returned.
When Sam awoke again, it was morning and Daniel was gone. For a moment, she felt a sharp pang of loneliness. Then she heard the shower running and realized that he was still there. With a smile, she got up and went into the kitchen to start the coffee, finding that Daniel had beaten her to it.
"Of course he did," she murmured. "This is Daniel we're talking about."
When the archeologist got out of the shower, Sam had a cup waiting for him. She handed it to him with a smile.
"Thanks," he said, taking a sip.
"How'd you sleep?"
"Pretty good. It's been a long time since. . . ."
"Since you had company in bed."
He ducked his head. "Yeah. I'd forgotten how good it feels not to wake up alone."
Sam felt her throat tighten at the low, softly spoken words. It suddenly seemed so very wrong that someone like Daniel had been doomed to live his life alone. He should have a loving wife at home, with a pack of happy kids running around. That's the life he would have had if it hadn't been for the Goa'uld. The thought came into her mind that she would be quite happy if she was that wife and those kids were hers.
Whoa. Okay, that was . . . scary. Now she was thinking about being married to Daniel and having kids with him? Things had suddenly gotten very, very serious.
Excusing herself, Sam went to take her shower. She tried not to think about what had just come into her mind, but she couldn't stop herself from doing so. She was getting scared again, afraid of these feelings that were grown within her. Things were changing too fast. Before those five weeks that Daniel had been missing, everything was under control and going well. She had her career, her friends, and a great boyfriend. She was secure in her feelings for all the people in her life. How could five weeks, a mere thirty-five days, have changed things so much?
After finishing her shower, Sam got dressed and returned to the kitchen to find Daniel busy fixing breakfast.
"Isn't the host supposed to fix the meals for the guest?" she asked with a smile.
"Not if the guest is left on his own in the host's kitchen and he's getting hungry. I didn't have any dinner last night."
"You didn't? Why didn't you say so? I'd have fixed you something."
Daniel looked at her. "Sam, eating was the last of my concerns last night."
Sam's gaze fell to the floor, then returned to his. "I want to thank you again for what you did for me. I also want to apologize again."
"Sam—"
"No, let me finish. I am ashamed of my actions. I was upset, and vulnerable, and not thinking clearly. Thank God you were. And thank you for being a gentleman and such a good friend. A lot of guys would have taken advantage of the situation."
Daniel shook his head. "I could never do that, Sam . . . no matter how much I may have wanted to."
"I know, and for that I am really grateful. You are a terrific guy, Daniel. Any woman would be lucky to have someone like you."
Daniel dropped his gaze, embarrassed by the compliment. He turned back to the stove. "So, how do you want your eggs?"
"Scrambled is good."
They worked side by side to prepare the morning meal, and Sam couldn't help but remember the thoughts she'd had a few days ago about having Daniel as a boyfriend. They'd just slept together and were now fixing breakfast. Granted, their night hadn't been the one filled with passion that she'd fantasized about, but it still brought a smile to her face.
They ate in companionable silence. Though neither one of them wanted to admit it, they really didn't want to say goodbye and get on with their day. It felt right to be like this, to be sharing breakfast after a night spent in each other's arms. It felt comfortable, natural, just like the friendship they'd so easily formed.
"Well, I'd better get going," Daniel said reluctantly after they'd cleaned up the kitchen.
"Yeah."
He looked at Sam searchingly. "Are you going to be okay?"
She gave him a reassuring smile. "I'll be fine."
"So, what are you going to do? About Pete, I mean?"
"Nothing. I'm not going to chase after him. If Pete feels that there is no future in our relationship, then I'm not going to try to convince him otherwise. Besides, I know now that he was right. I don't think that he and I could ever have had a future together, not when it would have been based on a lie."
"A lie?"
"Yes. I thought that I was in love with him. I know that I felt more toward him than I did with any other man I ever had a relationship with, including Jonas. But, like so many times in the past, I really didn't know what I was feeling. You once told me that I'd never really known what love is."
"Sam, I didn't mean that. I was out of my head because of the sarcophagus."
"I know you didn't mean it, Daniel, but the fact is that you were right. I had never known what it was like to love someone like you loved Sha're. And, now, I know that I didn't find that kind of love with Pete either. If we had continued in our relationship and gotten married, sooner or later, it would have ended."
"I'm sorry. I know you wanted things to work out with him."
"Don't be sorry. I'm happy for the time I spent with Pete. He enabled me to get past the fear I had of committing to a relationship, and he helped get some things straightened out in my head regarding. . . ."
"Jack?" Daniel asked quietly.
Sam looked at him in surprise. "You knew?"
"Uh huh. For quite a while now."
Sam gave a rueful grimace. "I think that whole thing was the second stupidest thing I've ever done in regards to relationships, the stupidest being almost marrying Jonas."
"Why Jack?"
"Because he was safe."
Daniel nodded. "You could safely have romantic feelings for him because, since you could never be together, you'd never develop a relationship with him only to lose him. And as long as you thought you cared about him like that, you wouldn't look at anyone else, someone who wasn't safe."
Sam stared at Daniel, her mouth hanging open. "Daniel, are you psychic?"
The archeologist chuckled. "No, just observant. I'm also someone who could look at the situation from a similar point of view. Sam, I know that you had feelings for both Narim and Martouf, and I can imagine how you felt when you lost them both. I've lost a lot of people in my life, and, after losing Sha're, I felt like I must be living under a curse, doomed to lose the people I loved. Since then, I've kept a part of myself isolated. I was afraid to love anyone because it would hurt too much to lose them."
Sam gazed at Daniel. Of course. Out of all the people on Earth, Daniel was one who could truly understand how she had felt. "Well, you're right. Oh, it wasn't like that in the beginning, not before Martouf died. Jack is an attractive man, strong, courageous, a great leader, and I respect him immensely. And, well, I got a crush on him. It sounds silly and schoolgirlish now, but that's what it was. It hurt a lot when Martouf died, and I sort of hid inside my feelings for Jack. And then I lost Narim, and I began to think I was cursed, some kind of Black Widow. Orlin and what happened to him didn't help matters any."
"I guess you got over it, though."
"Yeah. I finally came to my senses and realized what I'd been doing all these years. Pete came along right about then, and, well, I guess I jumped too fast into a relationship with him. I should have given myself time to get things straightened out in my head. But, like I said, I'm not sorry I met him. He was good for me. I am sorry it ended like it did, though, and I'm really sorry he got hurt."
"Maybe you should call him sometime."
"Maybe. Not this soon, though."
Daniel gave Sam a brief hug. "I'm glad that you're feeling better, Sam." He glanced at his watch. "I'd better get going. I need to go home and change."
"You're going to the base?"
"That's the plan. I want to finish the translation for SG-17."
"Okay, I guess I'll see you on Monday, then."
Daniel nodded and started to turn away, then he looked back at her. "Did you want company or something? If you did, I don't have to go to work. It's not like the translation is something that needs to be done by Monday."
"No, no. You go ahead and do what you had planned. I've got plenty of things to keep me busy."
"Okay, if you're sure."
Sam smiled at him. "I'm sure."
The moment Daniel drove away, Sam regretted not telling him that, yes, she'd love to have his company today. But maybe it was better this way. She needed some time alone to think about everything.
Giving a little sigh, Sam turned her attention to her housework.
Daniel walked into his house. On the entire drive back he'd been wishing that he told Sam that he'd like to do something with her today, but he had figured that she might want some time alone considering all that happened yesterday. The problem was that, now, he was lonely and really wanted her company.
Feeling like he needed to fill the silence of the empty house, Daniel turned on the radio. It was tuned to a soft rock station rather than his usual classical selection. He remembered that the last person who listened to the radio had been Sam when she came over a couple of months ago. Deciding to leave it where it was, he went into the bedroom to change.
When Daniel told Sam that he'd slept pretty well, he hadn't been completely truthful. Oh, compared to the amount of sleep he got when he was in the midst of some big translation job or an archeological puzzle, he slept okay, but his sleep had been far from uninterrupted. He had awakened at around 2 a.m. to find Sam draped half on top of him, her hand resting on his lower stomach beneath his T-shirt, and her leg hiked up and lying across both of his thighs, while his own hand had found a spot dangerously close to her right breast. Needless to say, he'd had a reaction to the very intimate position. Afraid that she'd awaken and find him in his rather embarrassing state, Daniel had slid out from underneath her and went to the bathroom, where he stayed until his body had calmed down.
After he left the bathroom, he had stood for a while in the doorway and just watched Sam sleep. As he did, the sexual arousal had been replaced by a feeling of tenderness and love. She had looked so beautiful lying there, so peaceful and innocent. He had wanted to gather her into his arms and just hold her for the rest of the night. Instead, he had laid back down facing her and gazed at her face until his eyelids grew heavy and he went back to sleep. The next time he awoke, the morning sun was peeking through the curtains, and he and Sam were curled up together, arms and legs entwined so thoroughly that it had taken a while for him to disentangle himself without waking her. Not that he had wanted to leave. He had been extremely happy right where he was . . . which was one of the reasons why he left the bed. It had felt so good to be there that it actually hurt, the pain born of the fact that he was only a temporary guest in Sam's bed.
Now, in the solitude of his house, Daniel again thought about all the things he'd started to feel for Sam ever since returning from Rand. He still didn't understand how and why things had changed so fast. Before his unwilling stay on that planet, he had believed that he knew exactly how he felt about Sam. She was his teammate, a fellow scientist, and a very good friend, one of the best he'd ever been blessed to have. That's all. He'd never felt anything else.
'No, Daniel, that's not true, is it. You felt something more than friendship on Vis Uban after she talked to you in your tent. That's why you asked her if there was ever anything between you.'
Those confusing, nebulous feelings had faded after Daniel began regaining his memories and remembered about Sha're. But they had been there, and Daniel was beginning to wonder if they'd been there for a whole lot longer than that and he just hadn't realized it.
So, what exactly were these feelings? He was afraid that he knew the answer to that, but it was an answer he didn't want to accept. It would make his life a whole lot more complicated and could end up making it necessary for him to leave SG-1, something he didn't want to do.
Maybe he was wrong. Maybe what he was feeling was just physical attraction and a silly crush, just like what Sam had felt for Jack. He hoped that was the case.
Daniel had just buckled his belt and was heading out into the living room when a new song began on the radio. As he heard the second line, he froze, his breath drawing in sharply.
Remember when we never needed each other?
The best of friends, like sister and brother.
We understood we'd never be alone.
Now those days are gone, now I want you so much.
The night is long, and I need your touch.
Don't know what to say, never meant to feel this way.
Don't want to be alone tonight.
What can I do to make you mine?
Falling so hard, so fast this time.
What did I say, what did you do?
How did I fall in love with you?
I hear your voice, and I start to tremble.
Brings back the child that I resemble.
I cannot pretend that we can still be friends.
Don't want to be alone tonight.
What can I do to make you mine?
Falling so hard, so fast this time.
What did I say, what did you do?
How did I fall in love with you?
Ooh, I want to say this right,
And it has to be tonight.
Just need you to know.
I don't want to live this lie.
I don't want to say goodbye.
With you I wanna spend the rest of my life.
What can I do to make you mine?
Falling so hard, so fast this time.
What did I say, what did you do?
How did I fall in love with you?
What can I do to make you mine?
Falling so hard, so fast this time.
Everything's change, we never knew.
How did I fall in love with you?
Long after the song had ended and the next one began, Daniel just stood there, rooted to the spot. Then, all at once, his legs went weak, and he sat heavily on the couch.
'Oh, God. It's really true, isn't it,' he said to himself. 'I'm in love with Sam.'
Daniel rested his head in his hands. What was he going to do? It would have been bad enough if this had happened when Jack was still SG-1's commander. Though it would have caused complications, it wouldn't have been against regulations since he was a civilian. As long as Jack and General Hammond had given their approval, he and Sam could have remained teammates. But now that Sam was the leader of the team, he knew that a romantic relationship between them would probably be impossible as long as he stayed on SG-1. Sam was his commanding officer, the one who wrote his reviews. If they were romantically involved, there would be a serious question about her objectivity. Though Jack might be willing to overlook that, those above him would not. For all Daniel knew, there might be some regulation that would prevent him and Sam from getting involved romantically now that she was SG-1's commanding officer.
Of course, there was a good chance that Sam didn't return his feelings, even though Daniel knew that she was feeling a sexual attraction to him. If he was alone in his love, that would pretty much solve the problem of regulations since nothing would ever happen between them. Then his only problem would be how on Earth he was going work side-by-side with Sam every day without being torn apart by these feelings for her.
So, what was he going to do? Just pretend he didn't feel these things and try to go on like before? Daniel remembered the words of the song. How could he live a lie like that? How could he go on day after day, keeping these feelings locked up inside? He couldn't. He knew that with absolute certainty. He needed to tell her, then hope that, somehow, some way, they'd be able to figure out what to do.
Author's Note: Lyrics are from the Backstreet Boys song "How Did I Fall In Love With You". To hear a portion of the song, CLICK HERE.
