CHAPTER FORTY-FIVE
Sam was still in Daniel's office when he and Jack arrived. She immediately got up and gave Daniel a hug.
"I'm so sorry," she whispered.
"It's okay, Sam."
Jack pulled out Daniel's chair. "Come over here and get off your feet." He didn't fail to notice the wince as Daniel did so. It made Jack feel even worse. "You need a pain pill?"
Daniel looked at his watch. "Yeah, I guess it is time for one." He shook out a pill and swallowed it with some water Sam got him.
She studied his face closely. "You look tired, Daniel."
"I'm okay. The burns and gunshot wound just make it tough to sleep sometimes."
"Maybe you should lie down," Jack said.
"No, I don't want to be asleep when Danny calls."
"Yeah, well, what you should really be doing is taking several days off."
"I already had this discussion with Janet. I've got too much work to do. If I lose any more time, it'll be that much more for me to do when I get back. Besides—" Daniel's voice cut off.
"Besides what?"
"Nothing. I'd just rather work than sit at home, watching TV." What he'd kept himself from saying was that work helped keep his mind off what happened.
After making sure that Daniel didn't need anything else, Sam and Jack left. As they headed for the elevator, Jack glanced at the major.
"So, you think you'd be able to find that guy if you did a computer search?" he asked.
"Colonel, I really think we should just let it be. All bringing it up did was upset Daniel."
"Okay, so we don't tell him. I'm not gonna do anything to the guy, Carter. I just want to take a look into his history, see what he's up to nowadays."
Sam sighed. "I suppose I could do some digging. The fact that he was arrested for child abuse will make it easier. All I'd have to do is search the Manhattan police records. I'll see what I can find, sir."
The call from Danny came promptly at eleven.
"How are you enjoying your morning with Sergeant Gonzalez?" Daniel asked.
"Okay. We went to the mall, and she bought me a whole bunch of stuff."
Daniel's eyebrows rose. "She did? What kind of stuff?"
"Some books because she knows I like them, but also some toys and games."
"Really? Did you say thank you?"
"Of course I did," Danny replied, as if that was a given.
Daniel smiled. Apparently, Marie had gotten it into her head to spoil Danny while she had the chance. He'd have to thank her.
"We're at the park now," Danny told hm. "We're going to have hotdogs for lunch. Oh, and she has a cool dog named Barkler. He's at the park with us."
"That sounds like fun. You'll have to tell me all about your day when you come back."
"Are you okay? You're not sick again?"
"Nope, I'm fine, Danny, just really busy with work. I've got a lot of catching up to do."
"You shouldn't be working so hard, not since you're just getting over being sick."
Daniel almost laughed at the note of disapproval in the boy's voice. "I'll keep that in mind."
"I wish you could be here, too."
"I know. So do I. But we'll go do something fun together soon. I promise."
Daniel ended the call a short while later. Danny sounded like he was doing a lot better, though it was obvious that he was still worried about Daniel.
When Danny was brought back to the SGC that afternoon, he greeted Daniel with a long hug.
"You're okay?" he asked.
"Yes, I'm just fine, Danny, not even a little sick. And look at this." Daniel held up the cane. "No more crutches." He turned to Marie Gonzalez. "Thanks for watching him, Marie."
"Oh, it was my pleasure, Doctor Jackson. Danny is a wonderful boy."
"It's Daniel, Marie, and I understand that you bought a few things for him."
The boy ran over to the bag the woman was holding and brought it over to Daniel. He began pulling things out one by one and showed them to the archeologist, explaining what each thing was. Daniel thanked Marie for her generosity.
The woman looked at her watch. "Well, I need to get going. I've got a date tonight, and I have to do a bit of shopping."
Danny came over and gave her a hug, thanking her again for the gifts. She ruffled his hair and gave him a kiss on the cheek.
"If you ever need a babysitter again, let me know," she said to the archeologist.
"I will."
Daniel went to the infirmary for another blood test a few hours later. The results came back normal again.
"Well, it looks like you're past the withdrawal, Daniel," Janet said, pleased. "I was going to keep you here another night, but I think it will be safe for you to go home. If you notice anything, tremors, mood shifts, things like that, I want you to come back in immediately." She gave him a hard look. "No more ignoring symptoms, got it?"
"Yes, ma'am."
"You can't drive yet because of that leg, so you'll have to arrange for someone to take you home and pick you up in the morning. What's your food situation like? Do you need someone to go shopping for you?"
"No, I think we'll be okay for a few days. Breakfast and lunch won't be a problem, and I have some TV dinners in the freezer, which is probably all I'd be able to fix anyway until my leg is better."
"I've arranged for you to begin your exercises tomorrow morning. There will be a physical therapist with you to make sure you don't overdo it." Janet smiled at him. "Okay, I think I'm done with you." She gave him one of her stern doctor looks. "Don't push yourself too much, Daniel. You've been through a terrible ordeal, and you need to allow yourself time to heal . . . in all ways."
Daniel met her eyes, understanding the meaning of her words. "I know, Janet. I'll be okay."
Daniel had hoped that being at home, away from the SGC and in the comfort of his own bed, there would be no nightmares. He was wrong. At three a.m. he awoke with a gasp, the dream images still gripping his mind. When he attempted to move, he discovered that he couldn't. His entire body was paralyzed. He could swear that he still felt the plastic ties binding his arms, still see the angry face of Rafael bending over him. Panic flooding his mind, Daniel darted his gaze about the room. He told himself that he was at home, that Rafael wasn't there, but he could still hear the man's voice.
'It's not real,' he told himself over and over again.
The voice finally faded away, but the paralysis remained, chaining him to the bed. For what felt like eternity, he lay there, unable to move. Then, suddenly, the paralysis ended. Daniel stumbled out of the bed. He went into the kitchen and got a glass of water, standing at the sink until his body had completely calmed. Then he looked in on Danny, seeing that the boy was sleeping soundly.
Knowing that there was no way in hell he was going back to sleep, Daniel fixed some coffee, got a book, and sat on the sofa. He couldn't concentrate on the words, however, and ended up staring out the living room window as the hours passed and the sky gradually lightened.
At the time he'd normally be getting up, Daniel heard his alarm clock go off. He went into the bedroom and turned it off, then took his shower and got ready for work.
A couple more cups of coffee with breakfast chased away the sleepiness, and he and Danny were ready when an airman came to pick them up.
All during his physical therapy that morning, Daniel was suffering through an internal struggle about whether or not he should tell Janet what happened. If he told her, he'd have to admit that he'd been having nightmares every night, but, if he didn't tell her, and this was something that needed treatment, he could be risking his health.
Daniel decided that, first, he'd do a little research online. It did not take long to discover what had happened to him: sleep paralysis, a condition characterized by temporary paralysis of the body shortly after waking up from REM sleep. It was sometimes accompanied by hypnagogic hallucinations, which explained what he'd thought he felt, heard and saw.
Having a name and explanation for what happened made Daniel feel a lot better. Sleep paralysis was not dangerous, and, judging by what he read, there was a good chance that it wouldn't happen again. But, if it did, he now knew what it was and wouldn't let it freak him out. There was also no reason to tell Janet.
By the afternoon, Daniel was fighting sleep and guzzling down enough coffee to give an elephant insomnia.
"Are you tired?" Danny asked right in the middle of one of Daniel's yawns.
"Um . . . yeah, a bit. I woke up too early and couldn't get back to sleep. I'll probably be going to bed early tonight."
Danny looked at him worriedly. "Were you sick?"
"No, I wasn't sick, Danny. Things like this happen sometimes. Don't worry. I'll be fine. Um, Danny, I didn't mention this before, but Meredith thinks that you should spend a night with someone else for one day. I think tonight might be a good day to do that."
"But I want to stay with you. Why do I have to sleep someplace else?"
"It's part of the therapy, Danny, like having to be away from me for half the day. You always had fun sleeping over at Jack's. I could ask if you can stay with him tonight."
Danny pouted. "I don't want to."
"How about if we both go over there this evening? We can have dinner with Jack, watch a movie, then you can sleep over. In the morning, you and Jack can come pick me up. That won't be so bad, will it?"
Danny didn't look convinced, but did not voice any more objections. Daniel talked to Jack, who said that would be great with him.
They all enjoyed the evening together, which consisted of dinner and a movie. At Danny's bedtime, Daniel turned to the boy.
"So, is it okay if you stay here tonight? We need to do this sooner or later, Danny."
"Come on, kiddo," Jack encouraged. "We'll go to IHOP for breakfast, and you can have one of those fruit-covered waffles that you love so much."
"Okay," Danny finally said, not really happy about it, but knowing it was what Daniel wanted.
The boy got ready for bed, and Daniel accompanied him to the guest room.
"Are you leaving now?" Danny asked him.
"Not quite yet. I'll probably talk with Jack for a little while. I won't leave until you're asleep, all right?"
"All right."
After Danny was in bed, Daniel gave him a kiss, then went out into the living room.
"So, how's he been doing?" Jack asked as the archeologist sat on the couch.
"All right. He's still a little resistant to being away from me for long periods of time, as you could see, but he is improving. It wasn't easy doing what Meredith told me to, but she was right. Danny needed to be made to see that something bad wouldn't happen to me just because he wasn't there."
Jack nodded. His gaze sharpened. "And how about you?"
"Me?"
"Yes, you."
"I'm fine."
"Uh huh. You know, Daniel, it's all right if you aren't fine. Nobody expects you to be fine . . . except maybe for you. Sometimes, you expect too much of yourself. You're human, just like the rest of us, and anyone who went through what you did could have some problems afterwards. It's nothing to be ashamed of."
"I'll be all right, Jack, though I admit that the next time I have to change the battery in my car, I'll be a lot more leery of the thing." The joke fell flat, and Daniel sighed, wearily closing his eyes.
Jack stared at him. His instincts were telling him that Daniel was hiding something, but it was clear that the man was not willing to talk about it. Daniel could give stubborn lessons to a mule.
The colonel got to his feet. "Want a beer?"
"Um, yeah. Thanks."
Jack went into the kitchen and got two cold ones from the fridge, but, when he brought them back out to the living room, he found Daniel asleep, his head tilted back against the backrest, mouth slightly open.
With a little smile and a shake of his head, Jack got himself a book and settled in the recliner with his beer. Two hours later, Daniel was still sound asleep.
"Well, it looks like you're both going to be spending the night, Danny Boy," Jack murmured. He went to the linen closet and got a blanket and pillow, then managed to get Daniel in a horizontal position without waking him up. After removing Daniel's shoes, Jack covered him with the blanket. Then the colonel headed off to bed.
The clock read 2:34 when Jack was aroused from sleep by a noise. He lay listening for a moment and heard a low moan from the living room. He got up to investigate. The sound had come from Daniel, who was clearly in the throes of a nightmare. Jack instantly knew that this was not an isolated occurrence.
He was about to awaken Daniel when the dream appeared to reach its peak, and the archeologist rose out of sleep, his terror-filled eyes reminding Jack of the things he'd seen buddies in the service go through after a rough tour of duty.
Daniel saw Jack and quickly sat up, struggling with the tangled blanket.
"How often?" Jack asked.
Daniel rubbed his face. "What?"
"How often are you having nightmares? And don't lie to me."
Daniel sighed. "One or two a night."
"Honduras?"
"Yeah, but different . . . worse."
Jack didn't want to think about what would be worse than what actually happened. It would have to be pretty nasty.
Jack took a seat. He could do this one of two ways. One was to rake Daniel over the coals for trying to hide this from everyone. He decided that the other way might work better.
"After that time I was captured and held captive by the Iraqis, I had nightmares," he said, "and we're talking about real doozies, everything from the removal of body parts to burning my eyes out with hot pokers. Obviously, none of those things actually happened, but my subconscious sure did make it seem real. The thing is, though, that all it conjured up was stuff that could be done by regular, ordinary human beings. Now, after the stuff with Ba'al, the dreams got really creative, real sci-fi horror movie stuff. The worst ones were when it wasn't me that he was torturing, but you, Carter or Teal'c, and I was being forced to watch as he tortured and killed one or more of you over and over again, your eyes begging me to do something to save you." Jack paused. He'd made an effort not to ever think about those dreams again, but, if this could help Daniel, he'd resurrect the horror of those nightmare visions.
Jack looked over at his friend and saw that Daniel wasn't looking at him. He was hunched over on the couch, staring at the floor.
"Nightmares come with the territory, Daniel. Any human being who can go through the things we do and not have nightmares afterwards has probably lost a good part of what makes them human. You're not alone in this. You don't have to hide this from us."
Daniel's eyes closed. "I just want it to be over."
"I know. I didn't tell you this before, but Hammond says that you're going to need to be cleared by a psychiatrist before you can return to full active duty and go off-world."
"I'm not talking to MacKenzie," Daniel declared flatly.
"No, and Hammond doesn't expect you to. There's that shrink who's been conducting the regular psych evaluations ever since the Ma'chello debacle. There are also some specialists in the field of treating military personnel who have been captured and tortured. They made me talk to one after the Ba'al stuff." Jack paused. "Or you could talk to Doctor Woods."
Daniel looked at him. "She's already been approached about this. She talked to me that afternoon you took Danny."
"And?"
Daniel shrugged. "We didn't talk much, mainly about how I felt about what happened."
"But you did talk to her. That's good. Doctor Woods said that, if you were willing to talk to her, she'd help you, if she could."
Daniel lapsed into silence. He didn't want to talk about this with anyone. He wanted to just try to forget it and get on with his life. But that was obviously not going to cut it with General Hammond, and probably not with Jack either. If he had no choice but to talk with someone, Meredith would be better than somebody he didn't know or trust.
"Okay, I'll talk with her," he said, making no secret of the fact that he was not happy about it.
Jack nodded shortly. He rose to his feet. "Well, I'm going back to bed. Morning will come quickly."
Daniel looked at his watch. "I guess it's too late to call a cab."
"That would be my guess. So, you can either stay where you are or share the guestroom with Danny."
"I might as well stay on the couch."
"Okay. See you in the morning."
"Night, Jack."
"G'night."
No more dreams disturbed Daniel's rest that night, and it was necessary for Jack to shake him awake in the morning. Danny was surprised and happy to see Daniel there when he got up. The archeologist realized that, since things didn't quite work out as planned this time, he'd have to make arrangements for the child to sleep over with someone on another night.
After a quick stop at Daniel's so that he could change, the trio went to breakfast, where Danny got blueberry waffles. Daniel went with the apple cinnamon ones.
After his morning physical therapy, Daniel went to see General Hammond. He told the general about his decision to let Meredith talk with him about his ordeal in Honduras. He learned that Bill Lee was also scheduled to speak with somebody. Daniel felt bad that he hadn't spoken with the man since the debriefing and decided to go visit him. Bill had been ordered to take a couple of days off, but was now back at work.
After leaving Hammond's office, Daniel went to Bill's lab.
"Hi," he said.
Bill's eyes went to his, then skittered away. "Oh. Um, hi, Daniel. How's the leg? I see you're using a cane now. That's good."
"It's doing all right. How are you doing?"
"Okay. The bruises are fading, and the burns don't hurt as much."
"That's good. Um . . . Bill, I—"
"I'm so sorry, Daniel," the scientist blurted out. "It's all my fault."
"What's all your fault?"
"You being exposed to the device and having to go through withdrawal. If I hadn't told Rafael what it was, he wouldn't have turned it on."
Daniel sighed. He went over to a chair and sat down. "We don't know what would have happened if you hadn't talked, Bill. Things could have been even worse. Rafael might have ended up killing one of us. Going through withdrawal again is better than one of us being dead."
"I still feel horrible about it. You were so strong. You didn't give in. And I was weak."
"Bill, we talked about this before. You're not used to that kind of stuff. I am."
Bill stared at him doubtfully. "You're used to being tortured?"
"Well . . . no, but I have been through a lot of stuff, including torture, a few rounds with a ribbon device, being zatted way more times than I care to count, staff blast wounds, radiation poisoning, and let's not forget dying more than once." Daniel met Bill's eyes. "It happened, and we survived. It's time to move on and put it behind us."
"I can't believe you don't hate me for it."
"What good would hating you do? I've only truly hated one person in my life, and that was Apophis. You're not even a Goa'uld."
"Well, I'm still sorry."
"Okay. Apology accepted."
Bill gazed at him. "Thanks, Daniel."
Daniel gave him a nod. Then he got to his feet. "I'll see you later, okay?"
"Okay."
Daniel walked down the corridor to Sam's lab.
"Hey," she greeted with a smile. "How's the cane working out?"
"Way better than the crutches. I, uh, just went to see Bill."
"That's good. He's feeling really guilty about what happened."
"Yeah, I know." Daniel took a seat. "So, what are you up to?"
"Work, work, work, as usual. Oh, by the way. We got a report from the people working on the Prometheus. They think it will be ready for the trip home in another week or so."
"That's good."
"Yeah. It's going to have to be babied, though. That hyperdrive engine wasn't made for a ship that big."
"It's from an Al'Kesh, right?"
"Uh huh. It'll be necessary to make several stops along the way to let the engine cool down." Sam paused. "They'll need someone with a lot of knowledge and experience with hyperdrive systems to be there in case there's trouble."
Daniel smiled slightly. "And you're the best expert we have around here."
"Well, there are other people who could do it, but. . . ."
Daniel studied her closely. "There's something else."
"Um, yeah. The flight plan would take the ship pretty close to something I'd love to see. It looks like a nebula, but it exhibits some unusual properties that really have us puzzled. This could be the only chance I'd ever get to see it. Don't tell General Hammond or the colonel about that, though. This isn't supposed to be a sightseeing trip, and I'm not sure I could talk Colonel Ronson into the detour anyway."
"I promise I won't say a word." Daniel paused. "Um . . . I'm going to be talking to Meredith about Honduras."
Sam grasped his hand. "Daniel, that's great. I'm so glad you're going to do that."
"Well, I don't really have a choice. Hammond won't clear me for full active duty until I get a green light from a psychologist. Meredith agreed to talk with me, and I decided that I'd rather do it with her than someone I don't know."
"It was nice of her to agree to that seeing as her field is child psychology." Sam's hand gave his a little squeeze. "You'll get through it fine, Daniel." Her gaze intensified. "You do know that any time you need to talk, I'm here for you, right?"
Daniel gave her a smile. "Yeah, I know." He leaned forward, and they shared a kiss. "Well, I'd better let you get back to work."
"Oh, um, I have to work tomorrow, but we're both off Sunday, so I was thinking that I could come over tomorrow night." Sam smiled. "I know that you wouldn't be up to doing anything . . . energetic, but just some cuddling would be great."
Daniel paused before replying. "Um . . . you know how much I've been missing you, but, as I mentioned before, my sleep hasn't been very peaceful. It sometimes takes me a while to get into a comfortable position. I'd really hate to keep you awake. I'll probably be feeling a lot better in a few days." He put on a smile. "Maybe by then, I'll even be up for some of that energetic stuff."
Sam was disappointed with Daniel's answer, but kept it hidden. "Oh. Uh, okay. Maybe next weekend, then. That is if I'm not on the Prometheus."
"How about if you come over Sunday and spend the day with me and Danny? We couldn't really go out and do much of anything, but a picnic in the park would be okay." Daniel smiled. "You and I can do a little cuddling while Danny goes off and plays."
"Sure. That would be nice."
Daniel left Sam's office, feeling a little down. He ached to be with her, to fall asleep beside her and wake up to the sight of her beautiful face. But it just wouldn't be a good idea yet, not as long as he was having these nightmares every night.
Sam's mood was also a bit low as she got back to work. She had really been looking forward to spending tomorrow night with Daniel. It had been nearly two weeks since the last time they were together, and it felt like forever.
To make herself feel better, Sam thought about that last weekend she spent with Daniel. That Friday had been another team night. After Teal'c and Jack were gone and Danny was in bed, Daniel wasted no time getting her naked and in his bed. It was a miracle they didn't wake Danny up with their sounds of passion. The next morning, instead of a shower, they took a long, hot bath together. Quite understandably, they did a lot more than just wash themselves. Their lovemaking resumed that night, during which Daniel showed a very appreciative Sam some of the interesting mating practices he'd learned through his anthropological studies.
With a smile on her face, Sam resumed work.
Once Daniel got back to his office, he called Meredith. The therapist was happy to hear that he was willing to talk more about what happened and said that she could come tomorrow.
"Tomorrow's Saturday," Daniel responded. "Won't your husband object to you working? Or is he out of town again?"
"No, but he is sick with a cold, and he's a big grouch whenever he's sick. I was intending to work tomorrow anyway to prevent myself from strangling him."
Daniel laughed. "He sounds like Jack. You'd think that a guy with his years in the military would be able to tough out anything without complaint, but if he's got a cold or the flu, he's like a cranky two-year-old. During a bad bout of the flu, Janet actually kicked him out of the infirmary to avoid bodily injury being done to him by the nurses."
Meredith also laughed. "Yep, that sounds like Rob, all right. So, tomorrow? If I wake up in the morning and discover I've caught Rob's cold, I'll call and cancel."
"Okay, that would be fine. I'm off tomorrow, so it will be at my place. I guess I should arrange for somebody to watch Danny."
"That would be advisable, at least for the first couple of times. I will want to bring him into it eventually, though. Considering what Danny also went through, it would be good for both of you to talk about what happened."
They set up a time, then Daniel said goodbye. Next, he talked to Jack to find out if he could watch Danny in the morning. Jack said he could.
Perhaps it was Daniel's nervousness and stress over the upcoming talk with Meredith that made his nightmare that night especially bad. Whatever the reason, he woke up from the dream with a cry, tears on his face, his body trembling. It took quite a while for him to calm down. Seeing that it wasn't even two a.m., he knew that he had to try to get some more sleep. After laying there for a good hour, he finally managed to drift back off.
The second nightmare awakened him at a little after 5:30. Daniel decided to go ahead and get up.
Jack arrived at nine, looking forward to spending the morning with Danny. He intended to take the boy back to the skating rink so that they could finally do some ice stating.
"So, what time is she supposed to arrive?" Jack asked his teammate.
"Ten."
Jack studied Daniel's face. "You okay?"
"Um . . . yeah. I'm just kind of tense."
"That's understandable." Jack patted the younger man's shoulder. "It'll be fine, Daniel."
The session with Meredith was not easy for Daniel, having to talk about the pain and fear, the certainty after being shocked the ninth or tenth time that he was going to die, that he'd never see Danny, Sam or any of the other people he loved again. Meredith listened to it all with understanding and patience, encouraging him whenever he got to a bad spot. By the time it was over, Daniel felt emotionally drained.
Meredith laid a hand on his arm. "You did well, Daniel, though I know it was hard on you. But I really think that getting all of that out will help. I think I'm right in guessing that you're normally the kind of person who bottles bad things up inside."
"Yeah, pretty much, at least when it comes to the really bad stuff."
Meredith got to her feet, as did Daniel.
"This was a very good first session," the therapist said. "If you think you're up to it, I'd like us to have another one on Monday. Depending on how that one goes, we can bring Danny in on the Tuesday session."
"Don't you have other patients?"
"Yes, but my schedule is pretty flexible. I have another patient coming in early Monday afternoon, so we'll have to make yours early enough for me to get back in time."
"Sure, that won't be a problem. It'll be at the base this time."
"Okay. Nine o'clock, then?"
"That'll be fine."
