CHAPTER FORTY-THREE
Daniel's eyes blinked open and looked about. He realized that he was in one of the isolation rooms. He felt ridiculously weak, and his muscles ached. He also had one hell of a headache. What happened? Daniel tried to remember, but only got brief, confusing flashes. He had a feeling, though, that something very unpleasant had been going on. He had a vague sense of unease, a feeling like all was not well.
Daniel turned his head and saw Teal'c asleep on a cot a few feet away. Why was Teal'c here?
"Teal'c?"
The Jaffa was instantly awake. He stood and came over to Daniel.
"Daniel Jackson. It is good to see that you have awakened."
"What happened? I can't remember anything. The last thing I recall was. . . ." Daniel's voice trailed off as a memory came to him. "I was sick. I remember telling Danny to get help. It was withdrawal again, wasn't it."
"Yes."
"How bad? Did I hurt anyone?"
"You harmed no one, Daniel Jackson. You did not grow violent as you did on the previous occasion."
"Then why are you here?" Daniel asked.
"It was my turn to watch over you. It was deemed by Doctor Fraiser that you should not be left alone at any time."
"Why, if I wasn't violent?"
"Your withdrawal from the addiction to the device greatly affected you. You have been quite ill. I will allow Doctor Fraiser to explain your affliction and the reason for it."
"How long has it been?"
"It is now close to thirty-three hours," Teal'c replied.
"I feel worn out."
"That is not surprising."
"Where's Danny? Is he okay?"
"He is well. I believe that he is staying with Major Carter at the moment."
Against his will, Daniel's eyelids began to droop.
"Perhaps you should sleep some more," Teal'c suggested.
Tiredness washed over Daniel. "Yeah, I guess so," he managed to mumble before succumbing.
When Daniel awoke again, Teal'c had been replaced by Jack.
"Well, hello there," the colonel greeted with a smile. "You gonna stay conscious for a while this time?"
"Um . . . I'll try. What time is it?"
Jack glanced at his watch. "Going on six a.m. I got the third shift."
"You assigned shifts to watch me?"
"Yep. Carter got the middle shift because Danny's staying with her. We figured that was the time he'd most likely sleep all the way through."
"Jack, what happened? Teal'c wouldn't give me any details."
Jack shifted in his chair. "Fraiser would be better at explaining it than I would."
"Jack."
The grey-haired man sighed. "It's been rough, Daniel. That thing really messed up your brain chemistry. Your moods have been going all over the place, and you've been having flashbacks and nightmares. Only a couple nightmares tonight, though, which is really good."
Daniel stared up at the ceiling. "I can't remember any of that."
"Good. You're better off not remembering. It was no picnic."
Daniel's eyes went to Jack. "You didn't let Danny see me like that, did you?"
"No, he's been kept away, except for a short visit day before yesterday while you were asleep. He's not happy about it. He's really been wanting to see you. That kid loves you a whole lot, just about worships the ground you walk on, I think."
Daniel closed his eyes and rubbed his forehead with a slightly trembling hand.
"Head hurt?" Jack asked.
"Yeah, a little. I guess I can understand now why I feel like this."
"Like what?"
"Just . . . off. I'm, uh. . . ." Daniel frowned. "I'd . . . I'd really like to be alone now, if you don't mind."
"Actually, I do mind. You shouldn't be alone. Daniel, what's wrong?"
Daniel laid an arm over his eyes. "Nothing. I'm okay. I'm just going to get some more sleep, all right?" There was the tiniest of tremors in his voice.
Jack frowned. "All right. I'll be right over there on that cot, if you need anything."
Daniel nodded, then turned on his side, facing away from Jack. The colonel remained where he was for a few seconds longer, then went to the cot. He laid down, but didn't sleep, starting to worry again about his friend.
When Janet came in around an hour later, Daniel was asleep again, although he hadn't been sleeping for very long. For a good forty minutes, he had been awake, though he never moved position. It had only been the pitch of his breathing that told Jack he wasn't sleeping.
Janet examined him and checked the readings on the monitors.
"How's he doing?" Jack asked.
"Much improved, at least in regards to his vital signs. I'm going to send a new blood sample to the lab."
"He woke up twice. Once when Teal'c was here and again about an hour ago. Teal'c said that he seemed perfectly lucid the first time, though he couldn't remember anything about what happened since he first got sick. This second time, he seemed all right to begin with, then. . . ."
"Then what?"
"I don't know. He admitted that he had a headache, then his mood changed. He wanted to be left alone, was acting kind of antisocial and upset about something."
"It could be that his serotonin levels were dropping, which would cause depression. Though his brain chemistry is improving, we can still expect some fluctuations. He is still far from being all right, Colonel."
When Sam arrived at eight o'clock, Daniel was awake. Teal'c was watching over Danny.
"Hey," Sam said with a soft smile. She kissed Daniel's forehead, then brushed a hand through his hair. "How are you feeling?"
"Okay."
Sam noticed the lack of enthusiasm in his voice, but didn't comment on it. "Janet says you're doing better."
Daniel's eyes moved away from hers. "Things like this just keep happening to me, don't they."
Sam frowned at the defeated tone in his voice. "Things like this happen to all of us, Daniel. You're not alone."
"Do you realize that this is the third time I've been addicted to alien technology? I never had any desire to try drugs, not even when I was a teenager, and look at me now. An addict three times. And let's not forget about Ma'chello's little slugs making me lose my mind."
"Daniel, that's not your fault. The first two times you were addicted, you didn't know about the danger, and, this time, you were forced into the situation. As for Ma'chello, that wasn't your fault either."
"How many more times is this going to happen to me? How can I look after Danny if I can't keep myself from ending up like this?"
Sam was really getting upset now. She knew that this was because of the chemical imbalances, but it tore her apart hearing Daniel being so negative about himself.
"Daniel, Danny is the luckiest boy in the world to have you taking care of him. Nobody could do a better job than you. He adores you."
"Maybe he shouldn't. Maybe he'd be better off with you or Jack."
"That is the biggest load of crap I ever heard," said a new voice. Sam turned to see Jack coming in with a cup of coffee in his hand. He set the coffee down and went to the other side of the bed. His eyes speared into Daniel's, who tried to avoid his gaze. "I'm going to cut you some slack, Daniel, because I know this isn't really you talking, that it's the mixed up chemicals in your brain, but I'm going to make one thing clear." He began poking Daniel in the chest with his finger. "Danny is right where he should be: with you. You have been a damn good father to him, the best that he could have. Okay, so you've had some crappy things happen to you that messed up your head for a while. That doesn't make you unfit to be Danny's guardian. So you get that thought right out of your head. That little boy needs you . . . and you need him."
Daniel's eyes welled up, and he looked like he was on the verge of an emotional breakdown. He pressed the heels of his hands against his eyes. "I hate this. I hate this," he whispered, tears squeezing out from beneath his eyelids.
"God, Daniel. I know," Jack said roughly. He grabbed onto his friend's shoulder. "But you're going to get through it."
"We're all here for you, Daniel," Sam told him, grasping his other arm.
Daniel fought to stop the tears, fought the feelings of despair and self-doubt. He knew that these emotions were being caused by the chemical imbalances, but that didn't stop him from feeling them. He felt like he'd fallen into a deep well and couldn't get out. He needed something to hold onto, something to keep from drowning. He could feel Jack's hand on his shoulder and Sam clutching his arm, two people he loved and who loved him.
The image of Danny's face came into his mind, the little boy who, physically, was his clone, but, within his heart, was his son and one of the two most precious things in his life.
"Danny," he whispered. "Where's Danny?"
"He's with Teal'c," Jack replied. "Do you want to see him?"
Daniel did not reply, for he was no longer with them. Instead, he was standing before the wreckage of a car, staring in horror at Danny's torn and broken body.
"No!" he screamed. "Oh, God, no. It's not real! It's not real! He can't be dead. Danny!"
The expression on Jack's face hardened. "That's it. I don't give a damn what anyone says," he snarled. "I'm getting Danny." He strode out of the room and nearly ran the whole way to Teal'c's quarters.
"Daniel needs you," he said to Danny as he entered the room. Dropping his coloring book, the boy rushed up to him and grabbed his hand. He, Jack and Teal'c hurried to the infirmary.
"Colonel?" Janet asked, confused. She'd just been alerted to a dramatic increase in Daniel's vital signs.
Jack held up a finger. "Don't say it. I'm taking Danny to see Daniel, and you're not going to stop me. Daniel needs him."
Surprised, Janet just stood there for a moment as the three people continued toward the isolation room. She hurried to catch up.
As they entered the room, they saw that Sam was clutching Daniel's hand tightly, her other hand stroking his face. He was crying brokenly.
"Danny's okay, Daniel," she said. "He's okay." She noticed the new arrivals. "Look, he's right here."
"Daniel?" Danny said in a shaky voice.
Daniel turned his head and looked at him. Two pairs of blue eyes met. In the next instant, Danny was across the room and on the bed, clinging to Daniel like a leech. The archeologist held him just as tightly, his face buried against Danny's neck as he sobbed.
"Don't cry, Daniel. Please don't cry," Danny said, now also crying.
Gradually, Daniel's sobs quieted, and his body relaxed. He lifted his head and gazed intently at Danny's face, touching the boy's cheek with his fingertips.
"You're okay."
"He's fine, Daniel," Jack stated. "Danny is fine, and you will be, too."
Daniel pressed a long kiss on the child's brow, then gathered him close to his chest. He let out a soft sigh, and his eyes closed. Moments later, he was asleep.
Janet came forward and briefly looked him over, checking the readout on the monitor. "What happened?" she asked the others.
"I think he was having a hallucination," Sam replied. "He thought Danny was dead."
Janet frowned slightly. "That could have been a result of excessive dopamine stimulation."
"You mean like when he had that thing of Ma'chello's inside him?" Jack asked.
"Yes, very much like that."
"Doc, he's not going to. . . ."
"No, Colonel, it won't get that bad. The levels probably won't remain elevated for long."
Jack looked at the boy in Daniel's lax arms. "You okay, Danny?"
The child nodded. "Is he asleep?"
"Yes, he's asleep, honey," Janet answered. "Perhaps you should get off of there."
Danny tightened his grip on Daniel. "No! I'm not going!"
"Let him stay," Jack said. "I think they both need this. We'll keep an eye on them."
Janet studied her patient and the boy who was locked in an embrace with him. "All right. But if Daniel starts showing signs of restlessness, you need to remove Danny."
"Will do."
Daniel's teammates made themselves as comfortable as possible. The minutes ticked by as the archeologist slept on. Eventually, Danny fell asleep as well.
Sam went to get some coffee for herself and tea for Teal'c. She also needed a moment alone. Seeing Daniel so utterly devastated and unable to do anything to help him had torn her heart wide open. She prayed with her whole soul that this would be over soon. She didn't know how much more she could take. Sam then chastised herself. Yes, this was hard on her. It was hard on Jack, Teal'c and Danny, too, but it was Daniel who was truly suffering, and as long as he needed them to help in any way they could, she was going to be there for him, no matter how much it broke her heart.
Daniel had been asleep for seven straight hours, and Janet was pleased. Not a single nightmare had disturbed him so far. It was the first time during these very long two days that he'd slept peacefully for so long.
A couple of hours ago, the other three members of SG-1 had finally managed to tear Danny away from Daniel and taken him to get some lunch, although, as soon as the meal was finished, the boy was asking to go back. He was now sitting on the foot of the bed, his laptop before him, his gaze frequently going to Daniel just to make sure the archeologist was still okay. Teal'c was off conducting one of his hand-to-hand combat training lessons, and Sam was working on a needed project in her lab. Which left Jack alone with Danny and the sleeping archeologist, working on some paperwork.
"Uncle Jack? I think Daniel's waking up."
The colonel looked up to see Daniel's eyes begin to open. He put down the file he was holding and went to the bed.
"Daniel?" Jack inquired a little cautiously.
"Jack?"
"That's me."
A hint of fear came into Daniel's eyes. "Danny?"
"He's right there." Jack pointed at the boy.
Daniel gazed at his clone. "I saw. . . . There was a . . . a car accident."
So, that's what Daniel's hallucination had been, probably a version of the nightmare he had the night of the accident.
"No, Daniel. There was no accident, except the one that happened weeks ago. You had a hallucination, that's all."
"A hallucination."
"Yes."
"Everyone is okay?"
"Everybody's fine."
Daniel sighed in relief. "That was . . . that was bad."
"Yeah, I know." Jack turned to Danny and got the computer out of the way. "I think Daniel would like a hug, kiddo."
The boy wasted no time doing so. Daniel stroked Danny's hair, tucking the golden head under his chin.
"How do you feel?" Jack asked.
Daniel thought about it for a moment. "Drained," he finally said.
"Yeah, I bet you do. I feel a bit like that myself."
"How long has it been?"
"Two days since you collapsed."
"Did I. . . ."
"No, Daniel, you didn't hurt anyone, you didn't go psycho, you didn't even say anything mean, except about yourself. You did absolutely nothing that needs apologizing for, although you're probably going to have to do a bit of sucking up to Fraiser for not telling her beforehand that you weren't feeling well."
Daniel frowned in puzzlement. "What?"
"She figures that you must have been experiencing at least some symptoms before you collapsed."
"I just felt really tired. My hands were shaking a little," he paused, "and there was some dizziness."
"Uh huh, all of which you should have mentioned to Fraiser," Jack stated firmly.
"What difference would it have made? This would still have happened."
"Well, if you'd been in the infirmary, you wouldn't have fallen flat on your face in your office, scaring everyone half to death."
Daniel's gaze fell. "I'm sorry."
"Ah! What did I say about apologizing? You've been through a very rough two days, Daniel, and that's not even counting what you went through in Honduras. All we care about is that you get well."
Daniel didn't reply, keeping his gaze lowered.
"I'd better call Fraiser and let her know you're awake."
Janet came in a few minutes later. She smiled gently at Daniel. "How are you feeling?"
"Like I have no energy."
"Well, considering what you've been going through, that's not surprising. It'll take a while for your energy reserves to be replenished. Your adrenaline was rather low when we did the last blood tests. Anything else?"
Daniel glanced at Danny, and said nothing. Janet got the hint.
"Danny, why don't you go with Colonel O'Neill to the commissary. I need to examine Daniel, and it's better if I do that in private."
The boy's eyes went to his guardian. Daniel could see a trace of fear there. He smoothed back the boy's hair.
"It's okay, Danny. You can come back in a little while."
Jack held out his hand to the child. "Come on, kiddo. I hear they've got brownies today. I bet Sergeant Gonzalez made them especially for you. We wouldn't want to disappoint her and not eat any, would we?"
"Save me one," Daniel said even though he figured that Janet would say he couldn't have one.
After Jack and Danny were gone, Janet asked if Daniel would like the head of his bed raised, and he said yes. Once he was in a semi-seated position, the doctor sat in a chair beside him.
"Talk to me, Daniel," she encouraged gently.
The archeologist shrugged slightly. "I just feel. . . ."
When he didn't continue, Janet filled in the blank. "Do you feel sad?" Daniel didn't reply, but his face and body language told her the answer. "Did your teammates tell you about what's been going on with your brain chemistry?"
"Yeah. I know this isn't real."
"No, Daniel, it is real, it's very real. Just because there is no external reason for the emotions you're feeling doesn't make them any less real. Right now, your serotonin levels are a little low, which is why you feel like you do. The good news is that your bloodwork over the last few hours indicates that you're definitely getting past this. The fluctuations in your brain chemistry have been relatively minor, compared to what was going on before. I think that, by tomorrow, you'll be feeling a whole lot better." Janet studied his face. "Is there something else?"
Daniel looked like it was going to say one thing, then changed his mind. "No."
Janet laid her hand upon his arm. "Daniel, I'm your doctor, but I'm also your friend. Anything you say to me won't go any farther than this room, if you don't want it to."
Daniel sighed. "I'm just . . . ashamed."
That surprised the doctor. "Ashamed? Why?"
"I . . . I fell apart. I tried not to. I tried to tell myself that it was just the chemicals, but I felt so . . . lost. It felt like I was drowning. And then I had that hallucination of Danny, and it was so real. Sam kept telling me that Danny was okay, but I was certain he was dead. It was like when I had that thing of Ma'chello's inside me, and I saw the hallucination of that Goa'uld go into Jack. A part of me knew that what I was seeing couldn't be real, but I was still so sure that it was. But I should have known this time that it wasn't real."
Janet's grip tightened on his arm. "Daniel, you have nothing to feel ashamed about. Knowing what was causing those things doesn't mean that you could keep yourself from being affected by them. There are many physical and mental illnesses in which chemical imbalances are either the cause or one of the results, and even if someone knows they're depressed because of low serotonin levels or are seeing hallucinations because of elevated dopamine stimulation does not mean they won't be affected by the depression or will not be fooled into thinking the hallucinations are real." She searched his face. "Daniel, do you think that this in any way lowers our opinion of you? Do you believe we think that you're weak? If you do, you're wrong. You've been going through hell, and if it had been me, or Sam or the colonel in this situation instead of you, it would have been no different. We'd have suffered the same feelings of despair, anxiety and sorrow that you've been experiencing. Though I can't be sure, chances are that even Teal'c would have gone through the same thing, now that he no longer carries a symbiote."
"I just wish Danny hadn't seen it," Daniel murmured.
"Up until this afternoon, I've been keeping him away because I thought it was the right thing to do, but I was wrong. You both needed each other. Danny needed to be here with you, regardless of how sick you were, and I think you needed him, too. I know you needed him this morning. I can't be sure of this; it's really just a guess, but I think Danny might be the reason why we've been seeing such a rapid and positive turnaround these past few hours."
Daniel looked at her. "What do you mean?"
"We already know that there is a psychic bond between you. You've said that bond has even been empathic on occasion. It may be that having Danny close to you has helped your brain chemistry stabilize more rapidly. Obviously, it's just a theory, and I have no way to prove it, but, if it's true, I wish I'd brought him in here sooner." Janet smiled slightly. "So, I'm recommending that Danny stay here with you for the remainder of the day and sleep with you tonight."
"What if something happens?"
"If you have another bad spell, and I feel that Danny needs to leave, then he'll be taken out. We'll keep an eye on things. Don't worry."
Daniel nodded. He wouldn't say so, but he really did want Danny to stay. But there was something he needed to know.
"Janet, those nightmares and flashbacks that I had, what were they about?" He met her eyes. "I need to know."
"I don't know what was in all of them, but they appeared to be mostly about Honduras, as well as other incidents that bore some similarity to some part of what happened there and afterwards with your addiction."
"You mean like the stuff with the Bedrosians or my addiction to the sarcophagus."
"Yes, but other things as well, such as other times when you were in extreme pain or were being physically abused."
Physically abused? Uh oh. "Uh, Janet, did I, um . . . did I babble out anything about something that . . . that happened when I was a kid?"
Janet gave him a gentle, understanding smile. "Yes, I'm afraid you did."
Daniel sighed. His head fell back against the pillow. "Crap. I suppose I'm not lucky enough to have escaped revealing that little fact to anyone except you."
"I already knew about it from your medical records, but Sam and the colonel were in the room as well."
Daniel let out a soft groan. Great. Just great.
"Daniel, I realize that it was something you didn't want them to know. I told them not to approach you about it, but if you feel like you can talk to them about it, I think you might want to consider it." The doctor gazed at him piercingly. "Now, about that brownie. . . ."
Daniel sighed. "I know. I can't have one."
"On the contrary. I'm going to call the commissary and make sure they save at least two or three for you."
Daniel gaped at her. "W-what?"
"It's chocolate, Daniel, and any chocolate lover knows that it's a mood-lifter. Yes, it's a rather unorthodox prescription for a doctor to give," Janet smiled, her eyes twinkling, "but I won't tell the AMA if you don't."
For the first time in days, Janet got the pleasure of seeing Daniel smile. It was a small smile, but it was there nonetheless.
"Deal," he said quietly.
Daniel got his brownies, and he enjoyed every one of them – and, yes, they did make him feel better. So did his teammates and Danny, who all gathered in his room and spent hours joking and talking about happy things. Teal'c even told a couple of Jaffa jokes, and, surprisingly, they were actually funny.
As Daniel closed his eyes that night, Danny's little body curled tight against him and Sam sleeping on a cot nearby, he realized that Janet had been right. Yes, his friends had witnessed his emotional turmoil and devastation, but they were still his friends, and nothing would break that bond.
