CHAPTER THIRTEEN
Sam awoke to a delightful feeling of warmth and comfort. Seconds after that, she realized that the surface she was partially lying on was alive. Cracking her eyelids open, she saw that her body pillow was Daniel. They were both sprawled out on the couch. Her head was on his chest, her left arm draped over his waist. As for her left leg, it was presently lying across his thighs in what most would say was a very provocative position. Oh, boy. Daniel's right hand was laying over her left one, curled gently about it. His left arm was wrapped firmly around her waist, firmly enough that Sam knew there was no way she was going to get off this couch without waking him up. But did she even want to get up?
Sam remembered the events of last night. She had all but cried herself to sleep in Daniel's arms. It was rather embarrassing to think about it even though Daniel was one of the only people in her life to whom she felt comfortable revealing her deeper emotions. He had seen her tears many times before and always seemed to know exactly how much comfort to offer. She never felt ashamed or uncomfortable letting him see her softer side. He was a wonderful listener, his gentle compassion making you feel like you were the most important person in the world to him. For those reasons, he had become her confidant on many occasions. Yet she had seldom completely lost control in his presence, preferring to do her real crying in private.
Sam knew that he would never mention what happened last night unless she brought it up. He would let her gather up her pride and self-control and pretend like it didn't happen. She wasn't so sure she wanted to do that. She had well and truly lost him this time. He hadn't ascended. He was really dead this time. For twenty of the most awful minutes of her entire life she had felt the yawning chasm that his loss had opened up in her. Though he had been given back to her yet again, Sam knew that, at any time, he could be killed, this time for good. That knowledge made her realize that she needed to hold onto every moment with him, cherish each day in his presence. And she needed to make sure he knew how much he meant to her, as a teammate and as a friend. But what about those other feelings, the ones she seldom let herself think about?
"You know, I'd forgotten how nice it is to wake up with a beautiful woman in my arms," said a soft, gently teasing voice.
Sam smiled and raised her head to look into Daniel's sparkling eyes. He gave her a warm smile.
"Hey there," he murmured.
"Hey yourself."
Daniel's gaze grew more searching. "So, how are you feeling this morning?"
"I feel good. Sorry about last night."
"Sorry? What on Earth for?"
"Well, for breaking down and crying all over you. Then you ended up sleeping on this uncomfortable couch instead of in bed like you should have been."
Daniel's expression became completely serious. "First off, you have no reason to be sorry about what happened last night. I'm glad that you felt as if you could let your emotions out like that with me. And I think you know me well enough to know that I don't get uncomfortable or embarrassed when women cry in my presence."
"Yes, I do know that, and it's another way in which you are not like a lot of other men."
The corners of Daniel's mouth lifted. "Is that another 'I'm so happy you're not a typical guy' compliment?"
"Yep."
"Okay. Just wanted to make sure." Daniel became serious again. "Secondly, how could I possibly be uncomfortable where I am right now?"
More than a little surprised by his words, Sam stared at him, trying to decipher what she was seeing in his eyes. All at once, things were getting way too serious, and Sam felt herself starting to panic. To hide it, she chose to lighten things up.
"You're not uncomfortable at all? I find that hard to believe given your height and the length of this couch."
He quirked a smile. "Well, okay, so I admit that I do have a crick in my neck, but please don't tell Janet. She'll throw me back in the infirmary and insist on doing a spinal tap or something."
Sam laughed. "You know, you may be right about that. She's probably going to watch you like a hawk for the next few days." Sam looked at her watch. "Oh my! I need to get going! I have to go home and get showered and changed."
They got up from the couch. Sam found her purse and headed for the door. "I'll be back in an hour to pick you up, okay?"
"Okay. See you then."
Sam paused. "Thank you, Daniel. I'm glad that I have a friend like you, one who always has a shoulder ready for me to cry on."
Daniel smiled softly. "I will always be happy to lend you a shoulder whenever you need it, Sam."
He watched her leave, then headed to the bathroom. As he showered then got dressed, he thought about what had just happened, about the comment he'd made regarding not being uncomfortable lying on the couch with her. He hadn't intended on saying that to Sam, well, not like he had. He'd planned on saying it lightheartedly, like a joke, but it sure hadn't come out that way. The truth was that it had felt really good waking up with Sam in his arms, too good, so good that he'd very happily wake up that way every morning for the rest of his life. And that thought scared him. He hadn't intended for this to happen, to develop those kinds of feelings for her.
Daniel didn't know when his feelings for Sam had started to change, when he began to feel more than friendship toward her. He'd thought of her as a friend almost from the start, and that feeling of friendship had strengthened very quickly By the time that whole incident with the crystal entities on P3X-562 began, it had developed into a rock solid relationship of mutual trust, respect and deep affection. More notable than that was their ability to work together with such unity. He smiled at the thought of how they had been like two kids on an adventure of discovery while trying to solve the mystery of the crystalline forms they'd found.
A few months later, when he was taken captive by Nem, Daniel knew that he loved Sam as a friend. The thought of never seeing her and the rest of his friends again had hurt terribly. A few months after that, he came to realize that Sam had become a vastly important part of his life when she and Jack disappeared during the team's return through the Stargate, having accidentally been transported through the gate located in Antarctica. His fear and anguish over their possible fate had driven him to work ceaselessly, refusing to give up until they were found.
He and Sam were like kindred souls, two passionate scientists working in a military world. They understood each other so well, their bond enabling them to often work side by side in complete harmony. Oh, they didn't always see eye-to-eye. Their opinions on how things should be done had differed on occasion. But, with the exception of the incident with the Eurondans, it had never gone beyond a mild disagreement. More often than not, they were like two pieces of a puzzle, fitting together to make a single image.
So when did his feelings of friendship toward Sam become something more? There had been brief moments throughout their relationship when he'd experienced emotions that shouldn't have been there just for a friend. When Sam had donned that blue gown on the planet Simarka, he couldn't stop staring at her. Until then, it hadn't really registered on him how beautiful she was. But, back then, Sha're was the only woman he had any desire to be with as a man. He had dismissed his reaction to Sam as nothing more than surprise and appreciation for her beauty and never gave it another thought. But, thinking about it years later, he couldn't deny that seeing Sam like that had affected him in a big way. Then there had been what he felt when he saw her and Martouf holding hands. At the time, he reasoned that what he'd felt was brotherly concern for Sam's welfare. He wasn't so sure of that now.
Throughout the time that he was searching for Sha're, his feelings were clear. He was in love with her and wanted her back. But then, she died. For a long time afterwards, the grief of her death filled him, and, except for that huge mistake with Ke'ra, he'd had no desire to move on with his life and be with another woman.
But time gradually healed the wound in his heart, and he became aware of feelings for Sam that he shouldn't have. Those feelings became all too apparent to him when he began to suspect that there was something between her and Jack. A rumor had started circulating through the SGC that they were "an item". He didn't know how the rumor got started, but he saw the effect it had on his two friends when they first became aware of it. They had shared this look between them, their eyes meeting with an intense, knowing expression. When Daniel saw that look pass between them, it had actually hurt. Daniel hadn't wanted to think about what that look could mean. He didn't think that the rumors were true. Neither Jack nor Sam would defy regulations like that. But that didn't mean that the feelings and desires weren't there. Daniel had been forced to examine his own feelings about that possibility and was shocked to realize that he was jealous. How could he be jealous? Sam was just his friend . . . right? That had been the beginning of his reevaluation of his feelings toward Sam. He began watching her and Jack more closely. Most of the time, there was nothing to indicate anything more than what he'd seen before, but, every once in a while, Daniel caught Jack looking at Sam with a sad, almost wistful expression. It was nothing overt, and the expression always disappeared quickly, but it was there, and Daniel saw it.
Then the incident with the entity infecting the SGC's mainframe happened. When that thing took control of Sam, Daniel had felt helpless. He was hurting and desperately hoping that, somehow, they'd be able to get it out of her. And then he'd seen how Jack was reacting. There was no doubt that the man was suffering emotionally.
Then things got a whole lot worse. Jack was forced to shoot Sam twice with a zat gun. She was dead, brain dead, no brainwave activity at all. God, that had hurt. Daniel couldn't bear to see Sam like that, to see her body being kept alive with machines, her beautiful, brilliant mind gone. He shut himself up in his office for a long time, trying to keep control of his emotions, fighting back the tears as he had when Sha're died. When he finally felt in control of himself, Daniel got up the courage to go see her. He found Jack by her bedside and realized that, as much as he was hurting, Jack must have been hurting even more because he had been the one to pull the trigger.
When those words "I am here" began racing across the computer monitor screen in the MALP room, Daniel's mind and heart had leapt at what it could mean. He clung to the hope that it was Sam, that the entity had transferred her consciousness into the mainframe. There could be no other answer. It had to be Sam, it just had to be. And it was. Words could not express his relief when Sam woke up and spoke to them. She was going to be all right. It was after that that Daniel made the conscious decision to ignore the feelings he had for Sam, for he had finally realized the true depth of those feelings.
They say that practice makes perfect, and it proved to be so. For over a year, he repressed his feelings for Sam. He managed to work side-by-side with her each day without thinking about it, at least most of the time.
After Kelowna, when he knew that he was going to die, he had thought about telling Sam the truth. A memory had come to him of when she was grieving over Lantash's death, and he talked to her about the fact that we so often wait until it's too late to tell people how we feel. He had told her then that he loved her, but had kept the full truth of his emotions to himself, the truth that he was in love with her, mind, body and soul.
As he lay in the infirmary, the pain getting progressively worse, he had known that it was his last chance to tell her everything. But he didn't take the opportunity. He hesitated. And then, it was too late. By the time Sam came to him again, he was beyond the point where he could speak, lost in the strange, dreamlike world Oma Desala brought him to, where he could hear and see those who came to him but could not communicate with them. He heard Sam talk to him, heard the deep anguish in her voice, and he had ached to hold her, even as her words tore him apart.
Hearing Sam, knowing that, regardless of whether or not he ascended, he'd never be with her again brought back the memory and pain of losing Sha're. Once again, he was losing a woman he loved. Those thoughts succeeded in heightening his feelings of guilt, defeat and worthlessness. He realized that, throughout his entire life, every chance he'd ever had for lasting happiness had either been taken away from him or lost through his own actions. When he chose to go with Oma, he did so because he thought that leaving his mortal body behind would give him the ability to do things right and the chance to find a lasting sense of purpose and contentment that he had been denied all his life. But, as always, things didn't work out that way.
A year later, he descended and was left with no memory of his previous life. The thing was that, along with forgetting his history, he also forgot something else – that the feelings he had for Sam were supposed to be ignored.
When Daniel first saw her, there had been no recognition at all, not for Sam or anyone else. But when Sam came into his tent and started telling him about himself, using such glowing words of praise, Daniel felt something, a spark igniting way down deep inside him. He had looked at her and felt a stirring in his heart. Not knowing any better, he asked her that question, and, though she denied that there was anything between them except a close friendship, something was telling him that there was more, at least as far as he was concerned.
Later, though, Daniel remembered Sha're and the love he'd had for her. Upset and confused, he didn't know what to think. It wasn't until he started recalling his memories of Sam that things got clearer.
Since then, Daniel had been trying to get back to the way it was before his ascension, when he could ignore these feelings he had for Sam. The trouble was that it was a whole lot harder now, and, after what happened day before yesterday, he was beginning to wonder if he should even try. Yet, judging by Sam's reaction to what he said this morning, she was either not ready or not interested in anything more than friendship with him.
So, what should he do? Should he just keep playing it the way he had been or should he take the chance and let Sam know how he felt? He'd be taking a really big chance if he told her the truth. It could screw up their friendship and their ability to work as teammates. He had to protect that relationship at all costs. It was far too important to lose.
Choosing not to think about it anymore for now, Daniel left his bedroom and started preparing breakfast.
Sam threw her keys and purse onto the table beside the door and headed for the bathroom. As she showered and got ready for work, she kicked herself for her cowardice. Daniel had given her an opening, an opportunity to see if their relationship could be taken in a new direction, and she had panicked.
"Pathetic, Sam," she muttered to herself. "You face down armies of Goa'uld without breaking a sweat, yet, when faced with the possibility that Daniel might feel something more than friendship for you, you run like a rabbit."
So why had it scared her so much? Because, for the last six and a half years, every chance she'd had at romance had ended with the man she cared about dying. She had never believed in curses or anything like that, but, quite some time ago, she had begun to believe that she was doomed to lose every man she cared about in a romantic way. Martouf, Narim, Joe Faxon, even Orlin. The loss of every one of them had hurt to some extent. But the pain of their losses had been nothing, nothing compared to when she lost Daniel.
Sam had no idea when her feelings for the archeologist began to change, but she knew exactly when she became aware of that change. She had been terribly worried when Daniel chose to go to that Goa'uld summit to act as an assassin. Sweet, gentle, compassionate Daniel, an assassin. Granted, the people he was supposed to kill were Goa'uld, but it still seemed so wrong to put him in that position, and it terrified her to know that things could go wrong so very easily.
What followed was a nightmare. The Tok'ra base was destroyed, all of the Tok'ra there killed. Lantash, the Tok'ra who had been blended with Martouf, went into a critically injured Lieutenant Elliott and later revealed something that stunned her. He loved her, and not because she had carried Jolinar. He loved her, Samantha Carter. His words to her reawakened her grief over Martouf's death.
In the end, they were forced to leave the dying Lantash and Lieutenant Elliott behind to act as a kind of Trojan Horse to kill all the Jaffa near the Stargate so that SG-1 and Jacob could escape. The young lieutenant's final words tore her heart open.
"He's happy now," he had said. "He just wanted you to know."
After it was all over and they were back home, safe and sound, Sam had felt the grief well up in her. She shut herself up in her lab, wanting to mourn alone. But then, Daniel came. Sitting beside her on the floor, he was silent for a long moment.
"Do you know why he was happy, Sam?" he finally asked. "He died knowing that he was saving you, that you would live on and remember him and, more than that, that you knew he loved you. So many times, death takes us or the ones we love before we tell them how we feel. We don't speak the words, thinking that there will always be another chance. But then, our chances run out, and we live, or die, with the regret that the words were never spoken. Lantash got that chance, and it made all the difference in the world to him. He could die in peace." He touched her cheek. Sam turned to him and met his eyes.
"You are one of my best friends in the world, Sam, and I love you," Daniel murmured. He smiled gently. "And it makes me happy that I didn't wait until it was too late to tell you that."
That was when Sam's tears had come. Daniel had pulled her into his arms and held her as she cried.
It was hours later, in the privacy of her home, when Sam started to think about Daniel and what he meant to her. As she lay in bed, in the darkness of her room, she began to realize that there was more to what she was feeling than friendship. And she had been terrified, an unreasoning fear filling her that Daniel would meet the same fate as the others. She never told him how she felt, hiding the emotions deep within, not even telling him that she loved him as a friend.
And, then, she did lose him. Too late, she realized that Daniel had been right, that one of the greatest regrets we can have is not telling the people we love how we truly feel. As he lay dying, she tried to tell him, to let him know how much he meant to her, but she hadn't known if he heard her, if it really was too late.
"I don't know why we wait to tell people how we really feel," she had said. "I guess I hoped that you always knew." Though she wanted to, in the end, she couldn't speak the final words, couldn't say, "I love you."
Then, a year later, he was back, alive, healthy and human once again. His question to her in his tent threw her for a loop. She had not expected it. She told him the truth when she said that there was nothing between them. There wasn't, not openly. She had never acknowledged her feelings for him, and she had no idea if he felt anything toward her except friendship. They really were just very good friends, even though her heart wanted so much more.
So, here she was now, having just been given the chance to tell him, and she had chickened out. Was she ever going to find the courage to speak those words? She'd already lost him twice, and, twice, he'd been given back to her. Someday, she could lose him permanently. What was it going to take for her to get past her fear and let him see the truth?
Deciding that she couldn't think about it any more today, Sam finished getting ready for work, grabbed a quick bite to eat, and headed off to pick Daniel up.
Jack and Daniel entered Hammond's office.
"Did you and the rest of SG-1 enjoy your day off?" the general asked.
"Yes, we did, sir," the colonel answered, "even if Daniel and Carter did give me a headache with all their talking."
Daniel shot Jack a look, then turned back to Hammond. "Um, sir, before I change my mind, I'd like to request that I be put back on SG-1. It was a mistake for me to leave the team."
Hiding his smile, Hammond looked at the archeologist. "I'm afraid that I can't transfer you back to SG-1, Doctor Jackson."
"What?!" Jack squawked in protest. "But, sir, Daniel belongs with us. Everything's been straightened out, and I swear that nothing like that will ever happen again."
The general let some of his smile show through. "I think you mean that, Colonel, and I'm glad to hear it. But what I was going to say is that I never officially transferred Doctor Jackson off your team. I held off on filing the paperwork, hoping that there would be no need to file it."
Both of the men in his office smiled. "Great!" Jack exclaimed.
"Thank you, sir," Daniel said.
Hammond looked at the archeologist. "According to Doctor Fraiser's report, she detected some kind of anomaly in your bloodwork."
"Yes, sir. She took some more blood this morning and is going to run the tests again."
"You're sure that you feel all right."
"Yes, I'm fine."
"Very well, then. But at the first hint of trouble, I want you to report to the infirmary."
"Yes, sir."
Hammond nodded. "Now, don't the two of you have a mission to prepare for?"
Jack smiled. "Yes, sir!"
The mission to P5C-801 was completely routine. As Jack said at the debriefing, "We went, we saw, we came back. We'll be picking up the pictures from Photo Mart tomorrow." Not that they were sorry it had been such an uneventful mission. After what they'd all been through, a nice, quiet mission was just fine.
Daniel paid only partial attention to what was said in the debriefing. All of his teammates noticed that he was distracted. After they left the briefing room, Jack confronted him on it.
"What's up, Daniel?"
"Huh?" He looked at the others. "Oh. Sorry. I guess I'm a little distracted."
"Yeah, a little. What about?"
Daniel looked at his teammates. "I want to go back to P7Y-359." The others stared at him.
"You're joking, right?" Jack responded.
"No, I'm serious."
"Daniel, after what happened to you there, why would you want to go back?" Sam asked.
The archeologist looked at all of them. "From what you told me, those people are living in constant fear of Bendrak, being forced to take the . . . the life power from two hundred of their own people every year to feed that thing. You can't tell me that you don't want to do anything to change that."
"No, of course we do," Sam assured him. "We just don't know what we can do. Depending on the size of the population, it could take months or even years to transport all the inhabitants to another planet. During all that time, there would be the constant threat that Bendrak would attack. He could wipe out hundreds, perhaps even thousands."
"Then we have to figure out how to get rid of Bendrak."
"Well, that would be great, Daniel, but I don't have any idea how to do that," Jack said.
"We really don't know what this Bendrak is," Sam pointed out. "It doesn't seem to possess a physical form."
"So, it's incorporeal, like the Ancients."
"Or it could be gaseous in nature, able to make itself visible or invisible. You said that you felt something touch you, so that seems to indicate it can solidify itself to a certain extent."
"There has to be a way to kill it. Nothing can be completely immortal." Daniel was silent for a moment. "The situation with Bendrak and the natives is only part of the reason why I have to go back there. I need to know why I'm not dead. The natives of P7Y-359 said that everyone Bendrak attacks die quickly, so why didn't I?"
"Well, it is possible that Bendrak didn't do the same thing to you that he does to the planet's inhabitants," Sam reasoned. "Maybe he deliberately wanted you to . . . to suffer as punishment for going into the temple without tribute."
"Yeah, I guess that might be so, but it still doesn't answer the question. Why am I not dead? My body shut down. I died, was dead for twenty minutes, yet here I am. Something or someone brought me back to life. How and why?"
"We don't know, and, quite frankly, it's a heck of a lot more important to us that you are alive than how it's possible," Jack told him.
"Yes, but, until I know how and why, there will always be that unanswered question in my mind. I already have too many of those regarding what happened while I was ascended, why I was made mortal again instead of being exiled to an empty planet like Orlin was, and why my memories were wiped from my mind but not permanently. I'm tired of these things happening to me and not knowing why."
"Daniel, I can understand how you feel," Sam said. "I can imagine how frustrating it must be. But I think that what we're all worried about is that, if you go back to that planet, Bendrak will go after you again."
"You got that right," Jack confirmed. "He probably thinks you're dead and might get a little ticked off if he finds out that you're not. I don't want to give him the chance to take a second crack at you."
"Then I just need to stay away from the temple," Daniel stated.
"That may not be enough to assure your safety, Daniel Jackson," Teal'c pointed out. "It is clear that Bendrak has the ability to leave the temple since he has attacked the village in the past."
"Yes, but unless he's somehow able to sense my particular presence, why would he bother? He must not be keeping an eye on the Stargate. Otherwise, he'd have known that Gennae went through and would probably have attacked you and Jack."
"We don't know what his motivations are, Daniel," Sam reasoned. "He might have had a reason for not attacking Teal'c and the colonel."
"Well, we can stand here all day and talk till we're blue in the face, but it isn't going to change the fact that I am not letting you go back to that planet," Jack said with finality.
Daniel stared at the colonel and sighed. "All right, I'll accept that . . . for now. But there's something else I want."
"Oh, do tell."
"I want to find out if the natives have any written accounts of their history, specifically about Bendrak. Maybe I can glean from it enough information to figure out what Bendrak actually is and how to get rid of him."
"What if you can't read their language?" Jack asked.
"Well, obviously, that is a possibility, but the natives should be able to help with that. All they'd have to do is give me some lessons. Of course, for them to be able to do that, either I'd have to go there or one of them would have to come here."
"And having one of them come here would put the others at risk," Sam said.
"Yeah."
"Did Gennae not say that, after the Time of Tribute, Bendrak would sleep for one month and it would then be safe for one of them to go through the Stargate?" Teal'c asked.
Daniel's face lit with interest. "He said that?"
"Yes, he did," Sam confirmed.
"So, there shouldn't be any problem, then. After the Time of Tribute's over with, someone can go through and talk to the natives, see if any of them would be willing to come here and teach me their written language, if it's necessary."
Jack smiled and clapped him on the back. "I'll go there and extend the invitation myself, Daniel."
