CHAPTER ELEVEN
Things were awful the next morning when Sam got up. Jack was putting fresh wood on the fire, his expression dark, and she could feel the displeasure coming off him in waves. The way Teal'c looked at her led Sam to believe that Jack had filled the Jaffa in on what was going on. What Teal'c thought about the whole thing was a mystery. Daniel was apparently not up yet.
"He's gone," Jack said shortly upon seeing her look at Daniel's tent. "He left about an hour ago, before the sun even made it up over the hills. I don't know where he went. All he said was that he was going to take a look at one of the other ruins. He wouldn't tell me anything else except that he'd be back in three days."
"You let him go alone?" Sam asked, both surprised and worried.
"There wasn't much that I could do about it, Carter. I tried to get him to take Teal'c with him, but I can't make Daniel to do anything he doesn't want to anymore. He took the radio with him, so at least we can contact him if we have to." Jack looked straight at Sam. "I couldn't get Daniel to tell me what happened between you, so maybe you'll be more forthcoming."
Sam really didn't want to talk with the colonel about what happened, but if this was going to affect the team, she had no choice. She glanced over at Teal'c. Seeing her look, the Jaffa rose to his feet.
"I will return in one hour," he stated simply, then left.
"So?" Jack prompted when Sam had said nothing after a couple of minutes.
Sam sighed wearily. "We were talking and got on the subject of relationships. One thing led to another and . . . and we kissed."
"Kissed? That's all?"
Sam blushed crimson. "No. We, um, did more than that, a lot more. But I suddenly realized what we were doing and stopped it. Daniel felt so ashamed. He thought that he'd pushed himself on me, but that wasn't the case at all, which I told him. I then told him that, even though I had wanted it, too, it had been a big mistake, that we're friends and teammates to each other, not . . . not that, and we would have regretted it later if we'd . . . gone all the way."
'Shit.' That's the word that went through Jack's mind upon hearing what Sam had told Daniel.
The major's voice filled with pain. "He told me that he was in love with me. He said that it had been a mistake for him to hope that I could love him, too. And then he left."
"And you let him leave without saying anything to him?" Jack asked angrily.
"I was in shock, Colonel! I didn't know he felt that way! I had no idea. I didn't know what to say to him. I still don't."
"Well, you'd better come up with something, because Daniel deserves a hell of a lot more from you than silence," Jack snapped. "And if you two think that you can just pretend this never happened, think again. It doesn't work that way. It will always be between you until you sit down with each other and try to come up with a resolution." He looked at her closely. "I don't know what your feelings are for Daniel, though the fact that you didn't stop what went on between you before it got beyond a kiss tells me that you feel things that have nothing to do with friendship. But I will tell you this: Daniel loves you at least as much as he loved Sha're, if not more, and that's saying a lot considering how long he held that torch for her after she died. If you can never love Daniel like that, then there's nothing anyone can do about it, but if you love him as a friend, you'll do everything you can to fix this and save your friendship."
Jack's angrily spoken words were met with silence, and he stormed away to cool off. A short while later, Sam went for a walk, wishing that none of this had ever happened . . . and that Daniel was here safe with her.
Breathing heavily from exertion, Daniel reached the top of the ridge. He turned and looked down at the countryside thousands of feet below. He could see the ruins that he, Sam and Teal'c had explored their first day here. The lake lay like a blue gem to the right of them. Daniel wondered if Jack was fishing again.
If the colonel had known where he was planning on going, Daniel would never have made it out of camp alone, which was why he hadn't told the man, only revealing the general direction he'd be taking. He was surprised that Jack hadn't demanded more details.
Daniel thought back to the conversation they had that morning.
"Going somewhere?"
Daniel glanced up at Jack, who had just emerged from his tent. The man was watching him from a few feet away, arms crossed over his chest.
The archeologist continued stuffing things in his backpack. "I'm, uh, going to check out one of the other ruins in the area."
"I see. Were you planning on letting us know or just sneak off?"
"I figured that you'd probably be up before I left."
"The sun isn't even up yet."
"I wanted to get an early start."
Jack came up to him. "Daniel, tell me what happened," he requested quietly, not hiding the concern in his voice.
The younger man paused, then shook his head. "I . . . can't, not now. I just . . . I made a big mistake, did something I shouldn't have, and I-I just need to get away for a little while." He straightened, lifting the pack onto his back. "I'll be back in three days."
"Daniel, I don't like the idea of you going off by yourself. Let Teal'c go with you."
Daniel shook his head. "I need to be alone for a few days. Don't worry, Jack. I can take care of myself. And I am an archeologist. I've spent plenty of time off alone when I'm on a dig."
"Yeah, but those times weren't on an alien planet."
"We've seen no sign of any intelligent species still living here, and I doubt that the wildlife is any more dangerous than it is in some of the places I've been, not to mention the less than friendly natives. I'll be fine." He looked at Jack sharply. "And don't send Teal'c out on my trail after I leave. I will know if you do."
Jack searched Daniel's eyes for a long moment. "All right. But take a radio. I don't want you completely out of communication."
"Already got one."
Daniel moved past Jack. He'd gone just a few feet when his friend's voice made him pause.
"Daniel, whatever it is, whatever happened between you and Carter, it'll be okay."
Saying nothing, Daniel continued on his way.
Thinking about his friend's words, Daniel hoped that Jack was right.
The archeologist turned around and looked at the ruins that sat about half a mile away. There were several others in the area all around the Stargate, but these particular ruins, perched as they were on the top of a mountain, had especially piqued his interest. Sometime during the long, sleepless night he had decided to go see them. He admitted to himself that he'd also chosen to come here instead of one of the other places because he knew that the extreme physical activity would keep his mind off Sam.
Daniel knew that he was being a coward by running away, even if it was just a temporary escape. But he just couldn't face her, not until he had come to terms with the loss of his hope and the knowledge that she would never love him the way he loved her. He should never have let himself hope for such a thing in the first place. It had been foolish and stupid. Well, at least he now knew where things stood with Sam. He could put the dream of being with her out of his head and work on accepting his role in her life as just her friend and teammate. He could do it. He had to. He wasn't willing to lose her friendship, too.
But, God, did it ever hurt.
Readjusting the pack on his back, the archeologist headed for the ruins. He had made pretty good time today and should have a little time to explore before making camp. Fortunately, the days on this planet were longer than on Earth, otherwise, he'd never have made it here before dark. He would spend all day tomorrow here, then head back the next morning. Many people would think it silly to go all that distance just to spend a little over one day at their destination, and, under other circumstances, Daniel would have wanted more time here, but, this time, it had been the journey rather than the destination that mattered to him. He had just needed to get away. The ruins were simply a place for which to aim.
There was still a couple of hours of daylight left when Daniel arrived at the edge of the ruins. He picked out a place to set up camp, dumped his gear, gathered some firewood, then headed on into the ruins. Even from a distance, he'd been able to tell that this was another amusement park. It looked like this one might have been designed to take advantage of the winds blowing across the mountains. The remains of what appeared to be flying craft were all over the place. They had probably been attached to tethers and gave patrons rides up into the air.
Daniel had to wonder about a society that would use a planet as nothing more than a place to build amusement parks. Of course, he was only assuming that's all that was here. For all he knew, the remains of a city could be somewhere over those distant mountains, beyond the area that the UAV covered. The biggest mystery, why the place was abandoned, would likely never be answered.
The sun was sinking below the mountains when Daniel returned to camp. He started a fire and prepared his dinner. As he ate, he thought about how long it had been since he'd been all alone like this. After Sha're's death, he took several days off and spent some of them on a remote dig in South America. Actually, that wasn't completely accurate. The Incan ruins had been thoroughly explored years ago, and there were no other archeologists there at the time, no one there at all, in fact. The ruins were too remote for much tourist traffic, which was the reason Daniel had picked them. He spent his time there in solitary exploration of the ancient structures, trying to come to terms with the loss of his wife. Now, once again, he was attempting to move past the pain of losing the woman he loved, except that he hadn't really lost Sam. She was still alive and well. It was the death of his dream that he was mourning.
After finishing his meal, Daniel opened his journal and wrote down his thoughts about the ruins. He wrote nothing about Sam or what happened between them. That was too painful and personal for his field journal. Those thoughts would be reserved for his personal journal at home.
Tired from the long hike and the lack of sleep the previous night, Daniel went to bed early. There alone in his sleeping bag, completely isolated from everyone and everything, Daniel resolved that, by the time he rejoined his friends in two days, he would be ready to get on with his life and put out of his mind what he could never have.
The last three days had been utterly miserable for Daniel's teammates. Neither Jack nor Sam had been in any mood to enjoy what the planet had to offer, and Teal'c's mood hadn't been much better. The lack of Daniel's presence and the reason for it was bothering them all. Jack had been tempted to contact the archeologist several times a day to make sure he was okay, but, other than a single radio call yesterday afternoon, the colonel had curbed the urge. Daniel had responded to that one call briefly, assuring Jack that, yes, he was alive and all in one piece and, yes, he would be back before the sun set today. The sun was now getting low in the sky, and Jack was getting antsy.
The colonel glanced over at Sam in the distance. She had spent much of these three days alone by the lake, just staring out at the water. Whether or not she had come up with any solutions was something he didn't know. He hoped that she had, because SG-1 wouldn't be able to function if two of its members couldn't even talk to each other.
As for him, he was wishing that none of this had happened. In fact, he was heartily wishing that they hadn't even come to this planet. He had believed that it would be a good thing if Daniel told Sam about his feelings. The problem was that Jack hadn't really thought about what would happen if Sam gave Daniel the "I love you as a friend" speech, which was pretty much what she had done. Now, Daniel's heart was in pieces, and Sam was feeling miserable and guilty.
"I believe that Daniel Jackson is approaching."
Teal'c's announcement brought Jack out of his thoughts. He looked in the direction the Jaffa was facing and was rewarded a few seconds later with the sight of their friend. Jack studied the younger man as he drew closer. Though he was clearly far from happy, at least his face no longer looked like it was carved in stone. Most of the tension had left his body as well.
"Glad to have you back, Daniel," Jack said in greeting, deliberately keeping his tone light. "Find anything interesting on your trip?"
"Yes, as a matter of fact I did."
"Really? So, where exactly did you go?"
Daniel hesitated before replying, which told Jack that he wasn't going to like the answer. The archeologist turned and pointed his finger at something in the distance.
"You see that ridge over there, the one that's almost flat on top?"
"Yes?"
"That's where I went."
"You mean you climbed that?"
"Uh huh."
"Why?"
"Because there are ruins up there."
Jack stared at the younger man. "Daniel, did it ever occur to you that climbing a mountain all by yourself is dangerous?"
Daniel sighed. "Jack, people go out hiking alone all the time."
"Hiking? That's a mountain, Daniel, and any idiot will tell you that mountain climbing by yourself is not a smart thing to do."
"Jack, it isn't Mount Everest. It isn't even high enough to qualify as a mountain back home. Yes, it was a little steep, but not steep enough that I had any need for climbing gear. I've scaled mountains a lot higher and steeper than that in the past. Not all ruins are on flat, level plains, you know."
Jack was all set to object some more but abruptly decided against it. This was not the kind of welcome Daniel should be getting. Besides, the archeologist had made it back safely despite the fact that he'd been climbing mountains all alone. However, Jack was going to lay down the law.
"All right, Daniel, but let's make one thing clear. If you ever in the future make plans to do any solo mountain climbing, you're going to tell me beforehand so that I know where to send Search and Rescue if something happens to you, which, by the way, I wouldn't have been able to do this time anyway since we're not on Earth!"
That last statement shut the linguist up. Jack did have a point. If Daniel had fallen and gotten hurt, they couldn't have sent helicopters and search planes out looking for him, just one lone UAV.
"All right, next time I'll tell you," he said.
"Good."
Just then, Sam returned from the lake. Jack saw an expression of longing and sorrow pass across Daniel's features before he looked away from her. When his gaze returned to her after a few seconds, his face was schooled into a calm mask.
Sam had stopped in her tracks and was looking at Daniel, her expression showing a mixture of sadness and discomfort. She, too, wiped the emotions from her face and came forward.
"It's good to have you back, Daniel," she said sincerely. "We've missed you."
Daniel searched her eyes for a moment, then nodded. He then turned to Jack.
"So, um, I guess it's my turn to cook," he said.
"Nah, you just sit down and relax. The rest of us weren't climbing mountains today."
"Mountains?" Sam repeated questioningly.
"Yeah. Why don't you ask Edmund Hillary here where he's been for the last three days."
"Who is Edmund Hillary?" Teal'c asked.
Daniel sighed loudly. "The first man to scale Mount Everest."
Sam's eyebrows had risen. "Daniel, where exactly did you go?"
"Remember the ruins the UAV showed perched on top of that ridge?"
Sam's eyes widened. "You went there?! Alone?!"
Daniel groaned. "Don't you start in on that, too. I've already gotten an earful from Jack."
Sam wanted to say more but chose not to since she didn't want to make Daniel mad. But she had to wonder what had possessed him to pick the most inaccessible ruins for fifty miles around. He could very easily have gotten hurt or killed scaling that ridge alone.
A terrible thought chilled Sam. Daniel couldn't have chosen to do something so dangerous because of her, could he? No, that wasn't possible. Daniel wasn't the kind of man to do something like that. He was not in any way, shape or form suicidal. Just the thought of it left a sour taste in Sam's mouth and a sick feeling in her stomach.
During dinner, Daniel told them a little about what he found in the mountain ruins. He tried very hard to act normally, as if nothing was wrong, but he knew that his teammates could see through the act. Sam was very quiet throughout the meal and only asked Daniel a couple of questions. Every once in a while, he caught her staring at him, an expression on her face that he couldn't read. They never met each other's eyes for very long. Daniel knew that they still needed to talk, but it was not a conversation he was looking forward to having.
Jack watched his two youngest teammates, not very happy about what he was seeing. He could tell that they were both attempting to put everything back to the way it was before, but, compared to how animated they had been the first two nights on this planet, their demeanor was very noticeably subdued. Daniel didn't launch into any theories or discussions on the people who built the ruins, and Sam hardly talked at all. Jack was glad that they were heading back to Earth tomorrow.
After dinner, the archeologist disappeared again, only, this time, he just went to the lake. After a few minutes, when it became clear that Sam wasn't going to go talk to him, Jack went.
"I'm sorry, Daniel," were the first words out of his mouth. "Carter told me what happened. I'm sorry things turned out like they did."
Daniel did not turn to him, his eyes staying on the lake. His voice was full of pain when he spoke. "I really wanted it, you know."
"I know." Jack felt like he had to give his friend at least some hope. "Daniel, maybe Carter will—"
"Please don't say it, Jack," Daniel pleaded, tears in his voice. "Please don't say that maybe Sam will change her mind and come to love me, too. I-I just can't hope anymore. It hurts too much when my hopes are lost."
"Ah, God, Danny," Jack rasped. He pulled Daniel into his arms and held on as his best friend cried. He knew that these tears were for more than Daniel's lost hopes about Sam. They were for Sha're, and Shifu, and his parents, and Abydos, and every shattered hope and dream that Daniel had suffered in a life that had seen way too much sorrow and disappointment. It seemed like he had been cursed to never find lasting happiness in his life, though he, of all people, deserved to have it.
Daniel held onto Jack as the tears kept coming and coming. He was powerless to stop them. The dam of his emotions had finally crumbled, and he was being washed away by the flood. He knew that he should suck it up and accept the truth, but, right now, he just couldn't. And so he cried, letting Jack hold him.
It was a long time before Daniel's tears finally stopped. He pulled away from Jack and wiped his face self-consciously. Even though he knew that his friend understood, he still felt embarrassed by his emotional display. He glanced at Jack. The look of anguish on the man's face made Daniel realize that Jack was suffering right along with him, sharing his pain.
"It'll be okay, Jack," Daniel told his friend, though his voice didn't sound all that convincing to his own ears. "I survived Sha're's death and moved on. I can move on from this, too."
Jack rested a hand on the archeologist's shoulder. "I know you can, Daniel. I just wish you didn't have to."
Daniel smiled through the tears that were still burning in his eyes. "Me too." He cleared the lump from his throat. "I'll, um, be back in a little while, okay? I'm just going to stay here for a bit."
"Okay."
Jack gave his shoulder a squeeze, then headed back to camp. He sat at the fire, staring into it fiercely. The feeling of eyes upon him made him look up. Sam was standing a few feet away, staring at something on his shoulder. He looked down and saw a wet patch there. His eyes lifted to Sam's. She looked stricken, and he had no doubt that she knew how that wet patch got on his shoulder. Good. It was only right that she feel some pain, too.
Jack was shocked by that thought. He would never have thought that he could in any way be vindictive toward Sam. It's just that it was tearing him up inside to see Daniel in such pain, and, as always, he was angry at the person responsible for it. But he really shouldn't be. It wasn't her fault that she didn't love Daniel. You either loved someone like that or you didn't. No one was master of their own heart. He just couldn't help but think that, if she would let herself consider the idea, she could fall in love with Daniel. The groundwork was already there. She loved him as a friend, and she apparently had a strong physical attraction to him. How much more would it take for her to fall all the way? Maybe if he. . . . Jack shook his head mentally. No. He'd already said and done all that he should. If it was possible for Sam to fall in love with Daniel, she had to do it on her own. There was nothing that Jack or anyone else could do or say to make it happen.
Sam turned away and went into her tent, feeling like the lowest kind of slime that ever crawled upon the Earth. The patch of wetness on the colonel's shoulder, wetness that she knew was caused by Daniel's tears, might as well have been his blood. She felt like she had stabbed Daniel in the heart. If only there was something she could do, something she could say that would make him feel better. But what words would help except for the ones she couldn't speak? She just didn't know.
The next morning, Daniel went off to the ruins by the lake alone, still unable to be in Sam's presence without it hurting too much. Both Jack and Teal'c had offered to go with him, but Daniel preferred to be by himself. Every time in the past when grief came into his life, he had sought solitude, and this time was no different. In a few days, he'd be ready for their company again. Until then, he'd stay away from everyone as much as possible.
Daniel was now wishing that he'd taken off the additional week that Janet had wanted him to take. Of course, he couldn't have spent it here. He wanted to get off this planet as soon as possible. He had been tempted to ask if they could leave this morning, but then General Hammond and everyone else would have wanted to know why they cut their vacation short. No, he'd just stay here in the ruins and video tape some of the text for later study and possible translation. That would keep his mind off Sam and everything else. Daniel didn't really believe that, but he could hope.
Jack had gone off somewhere. Sam didn't know where, just that he hadn't had his fishing rod with him. Teal'c had begun to break camp even though they wouldn't be leaving for several more hours. As for Sam, she was sitting by the dead fire, miserably staring into the ashes. She was unaware when, after a while, Teal'c came up beside her.
"You do not love Daniel Jackson as he loves you," said the Jaffa's quiet voice.
Though she should feel appalled that her private feelings were a subject of conversation among her male team members, Sam was just too heartsick to care.
"I do love him, Teal'c," she told him, beginning to cry. "I love him as a friend, my best friend. He means so much to me. But I don't think that I'm in love with him, not the way he is with me."
"You are not certain?"
"No, I am certain. It's just that I have . . . feelings for him that aren't things you're supposed to have for someone who is just a friend. I don't know how much the colonel told you, but Daniel and I almost made love, and it was great, but I can't help but think that it was just a product of lust, physical attraction. I've been attracted to him for a while now, and I've had thoughts about. . . ." Sam stopped, too embarrassed to continue.
Teal'c sat beside her. "When I first met Drey'auc, her beauty and fire stirred me into wanting her," he said frankly. "I did not fall in love with her immediately. In truth, it was not until after we had become lovers that I came to love her, though I had great fondness for her before then. Sometimes, we cannot be certain of our own hearts until after we have come to know someone in every way."
"So, what are you saying, that I should have sex with Daniel and see if I fall in love with him afterwards?" Sam asked a little angrily.
"No, Major Carter. I am only saying that more time in Daniel Jackson's presence may reveal to you the truth of your feelings for him."
Sam turned her face away. "I'm not certain I'll ever get the chance. I'm afraid that I've ruined our friendship, that we'll never be close again."
"Daniel Jackson may love you as a man now, Samantha, but he loved you as a friend first."
Surprised at the use of her given name, Sam looked at Teal'c, who continued speaking.
"You have told me that you love him as a friend. That is a love that is shared by both of you. You and he must let that love heal this rift between you. It is the only thing that can."
Sam's gaze drifted away from the Jaffa, thinking about what he had just said. She realized all at once that he was right. She and Daniel loved each other as friends, and that love should be strong enough to get them past this.
A powerful sense of determination filled the major. Rising to her feet, she took a step toward the ruins. She paused and looked back at the Jaffa. "Thank you, Teal'c," she said, then hurried off to find Daniel. It took nearly two hours to locate him. When she finally spotted him, she halted, gripped by a sudden fear. How was she going to do this?
'He's your best friend, Sam,' she told herself. 'You love him. Just remember that.'
Taking a deep breath, Sam walked up to Daniel. He was busy jotting something down in his journal and was apparently unaware of her approach, though she had to wonder how that was possible given his ability to sense people's presences.
"Daniel?"
The archeologist started violently. Wide-eyed, he looked up at her. He then scrambled to his feet.
"Sam! I-I didn't feel . . . hear you coming."
Though he was standing right in front of her, Sam could sense Daniel withdrawing from her, pulling into his shell, and it broke her heart. It shouldn't be like this between them.
"Daniel, I . . . we need to talk."
The linguist's gaze dropped to the ground.
"I'm so sorry I hurt you," she continued. "That's the last thing in the world I'd ever want to do. You have to know that. I care about you so much, and it's killing me to think that I'm losing your friendship. I don't want to lose it. Please don't take it away from me."
Sam was sobbing by the time she spoke the last sentence. She hid her face in her hands. A moment later, a pair of arms came around her and pulled her into the warm, solid, familiar strength of Daniel's body. She wrapped her arms around his waist and held on as if her life depended on it.
"Don't cry, Sam," Daniel murmured against her hair. "I'm still your friend. I'll always be your friend, no matter what. I'm sorry I hurt you, too. It'll be okay. I'll be okay. Nothing has to change."
The two friends held onto each other tightly for several minutes. For the first time since this whole thing began, Daniel knew with certainty that things were going to be okay. Yes, the knowledge that Sam didn't love him the same way he loved her still hurt terribly, but the fact that he still had her as a friend was far more important to him. As long as he had that, he could handle everything else.
Daniel and Sam finally drew away from each other a little. He wiped the tears from her face, giving her a tender smile.
"Daniel, I don't know what's going to happen in the future," she said. "I just know that, right now, I'm not prepared to . . . to have a relationship with you other than what we already have."
"I know, Sam. I won't ever ask for more than that from you."
"But that doesn't mean that won't ever change."
Daniel felt a tiny flame of hope blossom inside his heart. He quickly extinguished it. He could not let himself hope again, not even a little bit. He had to just be happy with what he had with Sam now and not dream of anything more.
Withdrawing completely from her arms before the close contact could stir unwanted feelings inside him, he picked up his journal, which had fallen to the ground. He brushed the dirt from it.
"So, what have you been doing?" Sam asked, the light tone in her voice a little forced.
"Oh, I've just been getting some of these writing samples on video and making some notes. I'm hoping that, eventually, I'll be able to translate the language, though most of what is written here is probably just talking about the rides and other attractions, maybe some advertisements. But there is a chance that the name of whatever planet these people came from is mentioned somewhere."
"So, you're pretty sure that your theory about this being a pleasure planet is correct?"
"Not a hundred percent." He smiled a little. "Maybe it's just a pleasure continent or maybe a pleasure island. We really don't know how big this land mass is."
Sam smiled. "Hmm. Pleasure Continent. I wonder if Walt Disney would have approved."
Daniel's smile grew. "I don't even want to think about what he would have done with an entire continent to build a theme park on, let alone an entire planet."
Sam burst into giggles, something Daniel had never heard before.
"What?" he asked.
"Oh, I just got this image in my mind of the aliens who built this place – if they were aliens, that is – meeting Mickey Mouse."
Daniel started laughing, and Sam joined in. It felt good to laugh with her, to feel the foundation of their friendship once again solid beneath their feet. Daniel knew that he would love Sam for the rest of his life, but, if this was all he could ever have with her, it would be enough.
