Stargate Meets The Sound of Music
by Maureen Thayer
Categories: Humor, Parody
Content Warning: None
Apophis with his mighty armies had come to conquer Earth, but strange reports from his Jaffa had caused him to leave his ship and take a look for himself. Poised on a hill, he and his personal guard gazed down at the human inhabitants.
"My Lord Apophis, why is everyone singing?" asked Jaffa #1.
"They celebrate my upcoming conquest of this pathetic planet with song and revelry," Apophis replied, letting his ego once again take over for his brain.
"Then why are you not mentioned as one of their favorite things instead of doorbells and sleigh bells and schnitzel with noodles? And what is a schnitzel?"
"Do not question me, Jaffa! I am your god!"
"Perhaps 'Edelweiss' is the word these people use for the Goa'uld," suggested Jaffa #2. "They seem to wish Edelweiss to greet them every morning and bless their homeland forever. Surely, they speak of you, My Lord Apophis."
"But Apophis is not small and white," Jaffa #1 looked at his master with a critical eye, "though he is usually clean and bright with all his finery."
"Perhaps these people are merely repeating the songs that the hills have sung for a thousand years," Jaffa #3 said.
"I hear no singing hills," Apophis stated, not wanting to admit that the singing might not be for him.
"I fear, My Lord Apophis, that some of these people are uttering a war cry," the First Prime told his master. "It is a fearsome cry of do-re-mi."
"Surely some arcane language, My Lord," Jaffa #1 stated, getting nervous. He didn't want someone putting a curse on him and making him climb every mountain and ford every stream. This Jaffa armor was hot and heavy, and it made swimming impossible. And following every rainbow was just too horrible a fate to even think about.
And he still wanted to know what a schnitzel was.
"The First Prime may be correct about the war cry, My Lord," Jaffa #3 said. "I heard some people singing, 'So long, farewell', as if they believed that you would be departing. They also uttered the words 'auf wiedersehen'."
"What is a wiedersehen and why do they want him off it?" Jaffa #1 asked, totally confused and getting more and more worried by the minute. The arcane do-re-mi and the mysterious schnitzel were bad enough. Now he was concerned about what a wiedersehen was. How could they get off it if they didn't know what it was?
"If they challenge me, then they will all die!" Apophis declared. Truth be told, all the singing, and dancing, and merriment was getting to him. He much preferred the screaming, and running, and hiding that he usually encountered in a situation like this. What was going on here was simply unnatural!
"My Lord Apophis!" cried the First Prime. "I hear a different war cry! It sounds like 'lay ee odl lay ee odl lay hee hoo'. A lonely goatherd started it."
"Lay ee odl lay ee odl lay hee hoo?" Jaffa #1 repeated, looking around nervously. "That sounds even worse than do-re-mi-fa-so-la-ti-do."
"I must agree, Lord Apophis," Jaffa #2 said. "The inhabitants of this world are surely afflicted with some terrible disease that drives them to sing, dance and speak in tongues. It could be contagious."
Apophis was just about to say that he was a god and was immune to illness when he realized that he'd been humming, 'Doe, a deer, a female dear. Ray, a drop of golden sun,' in his mind for the past ten minutes. Upon realizing that, the great god Apophis was suddenly struck with fear and horror.
"Jaffa, do-re-mi . . . I mean, kree!" he commanded, then spun around and headed for his ship.
"Are we leaving?" Jaffa #1 asked in relief.
"What about the conquest?" Jaffa #3 wanted to know.
"This planet is too pathetic to bother with," Apophis answered. "I am a god and have better things to do with my time than conquer a world full of insane humans."
As Apophis and the four Jaffa climbed onboard the ship, the voice of Jaffa #1 could be heard saying, "But I really wanted to know what a schnitzel was."