CHAPTER FOURTEEN
Cassie had a ball babysitting Danny. The two of them got along famously and had lots of fun together. The teenager was amazed by how much information was already stored in the boy's head. She knew that Daniel was brilliant, but she hadn't realized how early in his life he had begun amassing the staggering amount of stuff he had in his brain. Actually, it made her a little jealous. She was no dummy, but she'd give a lot to have the level of memory retention that Daniel – and Danny – did. She considered herself lucky when she remembered everything for a test. She just hoped that she'd do all right in college. Her goal was to pursue a career in medicine, though she hadn't decided yet exactly what field.
Cassie couldn't babysit Danny the next day, so Daniel took the boy with him on his appointments. When they got back from the second one, they found a call from Jack on the answering machine. Daniel called the colonel and managed to get him in his office.
"Hi. You guys are back, huh?"
"Yep," Jack replied. "Got back this morning. So, how are things going with you and Mini-Daniel?"
"Pretty good, actually. We found a house."
"You did? That's great."
"You're going to love it. It's got a great big veranda in back, perfect for barbeques and get-togethers."
"Sweet."
"So, how did the mission go?"
Jack filled Daniel in on what happened, the sabotage to Warrick's ship, the unmentioned fact that there were no rules to the race, and it was not uncommon for people to get killed during one, Teal'c and Warrick's brother being held against their will by one of the men behind the sabotage, and Warrick not winning the race even after everything they went through, but managing to stop the guy in the race who was also a part of the sabotage.
"Sure wish you'd been there to help me negotiate with those guys about getting one of the ion drives."
"You got one, didn't you?"
"Yeah, we got one, in exchange for us helping them get a Stargate and make it work," Jack replied. "We have to give it back, of course, which doesn't seem quite fair to me. After all, they'll get to keep the Stargate."
"Yes, but we didn't build the Stargate. They did build the ion drive."
"I guess you've got a point there. So, what are your plans for tomorrow?"
"Besides more stuff to do with buying the house? Nothing specific."
"Good. We've got the weekend off and were thinking that we could spend it with you guys."
"That would be nice. I know that Danny would love it."
"Then it's a plan. How about if you two come over to my place tomorrow? We can have a barbeque."
"Sure, that would be fine."
That evening, the two Daniels were watching a rented movie when there was a knock on the door.
"Hey, Sam," Daniel greeted with a smile, letting her in.
"Sam!" Danny cried, running up to hug her. "I missed you."
Sam gave him a squeeze. "I missed you, too. The SGC just isn't the same without you there." She grinned. "I think Sergeant Harriman misses being a horse."
"We're gonna have a barbeque at Jack's house tomorrow. You and Teal'c are going to be there, too, right?"
"Yes, we sure are. The colonel told us all about it. And Janet can be there, too. Cassie as well."
"And Grandpa George?"
"Grandpa George?"
"I'm his pretend grandson, now, so I get to call him Grandpa."
Sam smiled. "That's neat." Her smiled faded. "No, I'm afraid that he needs to work, Danny." Seeing the disappointment on his face, she added, "but I'll tell him that you're going to miss him. I'm sure that he'll be at the next barbeque. We usually have a really big one on the Fourth of July with lots of people from the SGC."
Danny frowned. "But there's already been a Fourth of July this year. It comes four days before my birthday."
Sam met Daniel's eyes. The archeologist hadn't thought about explaining the time difference in regards to the month, and Danny had apparently not noticed the date on the newspaper.
"Actually, it's only June, Danny," he explained.
"It is? So, does that mean that I'm going to get two birthdays this year?"
Daniel smiled. "No, I'm afraid not."
"Oh. Yeah. Because the birthday I remember didn't really happen. I keep forgetting that."
"Well, it did really happen, just thirty years ago."
"Do you remember what birthday presents you got?"
"Yes, I do." Because they were the last presents his parents gave him, they were gifts that he'd never forgotten, as were the last Christmas presents received from them.
This brought up an issue that he hadn't talked to Danny about yet.
"Um, Danny, since you weren't really born on July 8th, I decided that we should have a different birth date for you," he said. "I would have asked what date you'd like to have, but, when I had to make the decision, you didn't know that you were a clone. I picked February 28."
"Why?"
"Because, when you came out of the machine, you would have been a little over eight years and three months old, the same age I was when Mom and Dad died. You came out of the machine on either May 29th or 30th. I'm not sure which."
Danny frowned. "But that means that I won't have a real birthday this year."
"How about if, when we celebrate Daniel's birthday this year, we have a little celebration for yours, too?" Sam suggested. She looked at her best friend. "This birthday for Daniel is going to be a very special one for all of us."
"Why?"
The two adults shared a long gaze. Danny had no knowledge of Daniel's ascension, and it was unlikely that they'd ever tell him. Not only would it upset the boy to know that Daniel suffered and died that way, the concept of ascension and higher planes of existence might be too complex and confusing for him.
"I went away for a year, Danny," Daniel explained. "I was very far away, no longer on Earth. It hasn't been very long since I came back."
"We didn't get to celebrate his last birthday with him," Sam said, sounding a bit upset.
"And not Christmas either?" Danny asked.
Sam's eyes started stinging. "No, not Christmas either." She looked at Daniel. "We missed him very much."
Danny looked at the older version of himself. "How come you couldn't come back through the Stargate for Christmas and your birthday?"
"It's really hard to explain, Danny. It just wasn't possible."
Sam linked an arm with Daniel's. "But, now, we have him back, and we're going to have a really nice birthday party to celebrate it."
Daniel made a face. "Jack had better not take us to a restaurant and have the entire staff sing happy birthday to me."
Sam smiled. "I'll let him know that."
Sam stayed the rest of the evening with them, watching the remainder of the movie that they'd started. It happened to be the cartoon Atlantis, which amused Sam because the leading man was a linguist who wore glasses.
Danny told the major all about their new house, how it looked like the house that Daniel's parents had owned. Sam immediately guessed that was why Daniel picked it.
Since she was going to be staying a while longer, when Danny's bedtime came, Daniel decided it would be best for him to sleep in the bedroom. He let Sam tuck the boy into bed while he washed the dishes from dinner.
"Sam, you really like Daniel a lot, don't you?" Danny asked as the major pulled up the covers around him.
"Of course I do. He's my best friend, and I love him very much."
"Romantic love or just friendship love?"
Sam froze. A few weeks ago, she could have confidently answered that question with the reply that she and Daniel were just friends. But, now, everything had changed. She still didn't know how far these new feelings would develop, but she could no longer look at Daniel as just a friend. She could no longer say that's all she wanted from him.
"Uhhh, well, that's kind of a complicated question, Danny," Sam replied.
"Why is it complicated?"
Should she really be talking about this with an eight-year-old? Looking into Danny's wide, innocent eyes, she thought, 'Oh, what the heck? Why not?' "Because, though Daniel and I are friends, the best of friends, I also kind of feel other things for him that's more than friendship."
Danny wondered if it would be breaking his promise if he told Sam that Daniel loved her romantically. She would already know that they kissed, but Danny didn't think that Daniel had told her he was in love with her. The boy decided that he didn't want to take the chance that it would be breaking his promise.
"If you could be more than friends, would you want to be?" he asked.
Sam thought about her answer. "If it was possible, and there was nothing wrong with it, then, yes, I would like to be more than friends with Daniel. But I'm afraid it just wouldn't be a good idea, Danny." She looked at him intently. "You mustn't tell him or anybody else. It has to be a secret. Understand?"
Danny nodded. He was happy that Sam felt the same way about Daniel as Daniel did about her, but he still didn't know how he was going to make them get together.
Sam stayed with the boy until he fell asleep. When she looked up and turned around, she saw Daniel standing in the doorway, an expression in his eyes that made her breath catch, a look of such love and tenderness that it made her heart melt and ache all at the same time. God, she wanted to be with him so badly.
'Stop it, Sam. Stop torturing yourself,' she chastised. 'You know that you can't have that, so just stop thinking about it. You were able to put it out of your mind most of the time when you had feelings like this for Jack, so you can do it again. You have no other choice.' The problem was that, this time, it seemed to hurt a whole lot more. But she was determined to succeed. She could do this.
"Hey," she said, not letting any of her emotions show.
"Hey. He didn't talk your ear off, did he? He's usually pretty good about going to bed, but, sometimes, he's a little chatterbox and doesn't want to go to sleep."
"Nope, he was fine."
"Not that I'm complaining. It's great that he's talking. It really shows how much better he's doing than I did this early on."
"How about the nightmares?" Sam asked.
"He still has them some nights, but they're a lot less intense. He's not waking up screaming anymore."
They walked out into the living room and sat on the couch.
"Any more incidences with the mind reading?" Sam asked.
"Not on Danny's side, that I know of, but. . . ."
Sam studied his expression as they sat down on the couch. "But what?"
"This morning, while we were eating breakfast, I got an image in my mind of making a smiley face on my pancakes with syrup."
Sam grinned. "A smiley face, huh? You're inner child coming out, Daniel?"
Daniel smiled, too. "I'm kind of doubting it."
"You think it came from Danny's mind?"
The archeologist nodded. "We already suspected that this thing worked both ways. I think this proves it."
"So, not only can Danny pick up thoughts from your mind, you can pick them up from his."
"Yeah. I just hope it doesn't start happening more often. Our thoughts are the one true privacy we have. If we lose that privacy. . . ." He didn't finish the statement. "And from how far away will this work? Will he sense my thoughts while I'm on another planet? If I was on a mission, and we got into trouble. . . ." Daniel shook his head. "I don't like the idea of Danny having a ringside seat into my head while we're fighting for our lives."
Deciding to put it out of his mind, Daniel changed the subject. "So, Jack told me about the mission." He smiled. "Did you enjoy the race?"
"Well, it was certainly exciting, especially when we had no engines and were being pulled into the gravity well of the sun." She frowned slightly.
Daniel immediately guessed the reason for it. "You're sorry that you lost, aren't you."
"Well, come on! It wasn't fair! Bunch of cheaters."
Daniel smiled at the comment. "So, what are you gonna do?"
Sam gave him a cheeky grin. "Next year, I'm gonna kick butt."
Daniel's own smile widened into a grin. "Yes, I bet you will."
"That is if the general lets me race again, of course."
"Maybe we can work in another diplomatic mission, see what other technology we can talk the Hebridans into sharing with us."
"That's an idea."
"Jack said that you got one of the ion drives to study."
"Yes, we did, which is very cool." Sam studied her friend's features. "So, how is the stuff with the house coming along? I bet you already feel like pulling your hair out with everything that's involved in buying a home."
"You're not kidding. I had no idea it was that involved. I should have gotten pointers from you and Jack."
"It is a hassle, and, by the time everything's done, you'll feel like you have a permanent case of writer's cramp from all the times you've signed your name, but that day the final papers are signed, and they give you the keys to your new house, you'll feel fantastic."
"I'm looking forward to it."
"How have things been going with you and Danny?"
"Fine, although, what with all this house stuff, it's been a little tough. I hated having to drag him along. It's not all that much fun, especially for an eight-year-old. General Hammond watched him on one day, Cassie on another, but I'm beginning to realize how tough being a single parent can be. I can't possibly put him in daycare, not until he's fully adjusted to everything and is a whole lot further along in his recovery. The same thing goes for a babysitter that doesn't know the whole story. I honestly don't know what I'm going to do when I go back to work. I really don't think that the military will allow Danny to stay on base during the day while I'm working."
"No, probably not. When I was toying with the idea of adopting Cassie, I thought about how it would affect everything, and I have to admit that it was a little daunting. The difference with Cassie, though, was that she was twelve, not eight, which made her a lot more capable of handling the changes in her life and the whole secrecy issue. And, being that old, it would have been okay to leave her at home alone sometimes. I have nothing but admiration for you and how you've accepted this responsibility. I can only imagine how overwhelming it must seem sometimes."
Daniel didn't reply right away. "There have been a couple of times when I wondered what the hell I was getting myself into," he admitted. "But I know that it's worth it. I feel like. . . ."
"Like what?" Sam prompted encouragingly.
"Like . . . I'm getting a second chance at a real childhood through him. He is getting what I never had after my parents' death: a stable life and people who love him. It makes me feel good that I can give him that, that we can give him that."
Sam took Daniel's hand, entwining her fingers with his. Daniel looked down at their clasped hands, trying to ignore how good that simple touch felt. He ached to put his arms around her, to kiss her again, to make love to her.
If Daniel had known that, at that very moment, Sam was experiencing the same feeling, he might have done something about it. But he didn't, so, instead, he gave her hand a squeeze and got up from the couch.
He headed into the kitchen. "Would you like something to drink?"
"No, I really should get going." Sam rose from the sofa and headed for the door. "Oh, I was thinking that we might want to bring an alternate food source for tomorrow in case the colonel burns all the steaks and hamburgers again, like last time."
Daniel grinned. "Actually, I recall Teal'c saying that he intended to monitor the grill the next time we had a barbeque to make sure that didn't happen again." The smile faltered. "Oh, but that was before I ascended. What happened at the last barbeque?"
Sam's smile was completely gone. "There was no other barbeque, Daniel."
The archeologist stared at her. "What? What do you mean?"
"We didn't have any team barbeques while you were gone. The only barbeque was at the Fourth of July party, and the colonel didn't cook. In fact, he almost didn't go to it at all. The same goes for me and Teal'c. We weren't in much of a mood to celebrate anything. The colonel had too many beers, and General Hammond had to have somebody drive him home. Teal'c frowned throughout almost the whole thing, and I tried to stay as busy as I possibly could. Jonas was the only one of the four of us who had any fun, and I think that even his mood was doused because he could tell that we were upset, and he knew why."
Daniel's gaze was on the floor. "I didn't realize."
"Didn't realize what, Daniel? That we missed you like crazy all that time you were gone? That every holiday celebration was painful because it seemed wrong that you weren't there to celebrate with us? Christmas and your birthday were the worst. I stayed home and cried all day on your birthday, and I think the colonel got roaring drunk. He definitely looked like he had a hangover the next morning. None of us wanted to go to the Christmas party. We only did because Hammond insisted. I visited with my brother's family for Christmas, and they could tell that something was wrong. All I could tell them was that I'd lost a very good friend and co-worker," Sam's voice cracked a little, "not that he was my best friend and that I watched him suffer a slow, awful death."
Daniel crossed the room to Sam's side. He wanted to hold her but decided it would be a bad idea. "I'm sorry, Sam," he murmured. "I didn't mean to hurt any of you."
Sam looked at him. "Didn't you realize how much it would hurt us when you left like that?"
Daniel's couldn't meet her eyes. "I . . . I guess I just figured that you'd miss me for a while and then move on."
Sam felt her anger kindle. "How could you think that? How could you not know how much it would hurt us? The colonel pretended it didn't, that you were just another casualty, but I could tell that it was all an act, just 'way of the warrior' crap. And Teal'c. In all the time we've known him, I've only seen him closer to crying one other time, when he thought that his wife and son had been killed in their home on Chulak. It hurt us, Daniel, and it makes me mad that you didn't think it would."
Feeling utterly ashamed, Daniel said, "I am so sorry, Sam. It's just . . . that last year or so I felt like . . . like we were drifting apart. Things between Jack and me weren't so good, and none of us spent much time with each other outside of work anymore. And on missions, I felt like. . . ." He halted. Now was not the time to talk about how he had no longer felt like he belonged on the team, that his skills and knowledge were no longer needed. "I just didn't want to think that it would hurt you guys like that. It was easier to leave believing that you'd all be fine without me."
"There were times when I was so mad at you for leaving," Sam told him. "And then I'd think about what your life would have been like if you had stayed and Dad couldn't heal you completely. I wouldn't have wanted that." She met his eyes. "I do know that you made the right decision, Daniel. It was just really hard going through that year without you. But you're right. It tears me up to admit it, but we did start drifting apart that last year or so, and I am so sorry for that. I'm so sorry if that's what made you believe it wouldn't matter all that much to us if you left." Tears filled Sam's eyes. "I wish I had known. I would have told you that it wasn't true, that we loved you."
Unable to stop himself, Daniel reached up and caressed her cheek with the back of his fingers. As their eyes met, they both felt a jolt go through them, like they'd been hit with an emotional cattle prod. In the next instant, they were kissing hungrily, their heightened emotions fueling the fire. With a tortured groan, Daniel moved forward and pinned Sam up against the wall, his mouth never leaving hers. She arched against him, shattering his self-control. He grasped her hips and pulled them tight against his, the friction of their clothing sweet torment. Sam clutched at him, hooking a leg around his, the feeling of his aroused body against her more intoxicating than the strongest alcohol.
Daniel dragged his lips from Sam's and went on a search of her throat and the bare skin of her chest that her neckline revealed.
"Daniel," Sam moaned, tangling her fingers in his hair.
He pulled down the loose neckline and the strap of her bra, baring the upper curve of her breast, which he bathed with his tongue, wrenching a soft cry from Sam. Any thought that they shouldn't be doing this never came into Daniel's mind as he began inching the bra down further, following its progress with his mouth.
Sam gasped, then let out another moan, the feeling of his lips on her breast driving her crazy. She fought to clear the haze of desire and ecstasy. "We . . . we have to s-stop." Sam couldn't remember any words being harder to speak. But they couldn't do this. They just couldn't.
The words penetrated into Daniel's mind, and he lifted his head. The fire of passion in his eyes almost made Sam say to hell with it and let him make love to her, but she gathered her strength and stood firm.
And then the realization of what he was doing sunk in, and the passion changed to mortification. Daniel immediately released her and stumbled back several paces.
"Oh my God. I'm so sorry, Sam."
Daniel fled into the kitchen. Hands gripping the edge of the counter, he leaned over the kitchen sink, eyes tightly shut and head bowed. 'Dammit!' he cursed in his mind, furious at himself for losing control like that.
Sorrow replacing the pleasure of moments ago, Sam said in a quiet, sad voice, "I'm sorry, too, Daniel. I wish. . . ." Feeling tears starting to come, she halted. "I'm . . . I'm going to go now."
Not waiting for Daniel to say goodbye, she quickly left. Once the door had closed behind her, Daniel buried his face in his hands, now feeling almost unbearably sad. Never in his life had he longed for something as deeply as he did for Sam. He knew that, if she hadn't put a stop to what just happened, he might have been incapable of stopping it himself.
Daniel went over to the couch and flopped onto it, laying his head on the backrest. How was he going to do this? How was he going to get back to that comfortable "just friends" place with Sam when, every time he looked at her, he thought about how badly he wanted them to be more, when, every time they touched, he wanted to pull her into his arms and show her how much he loved her?
How could he have fallen so hard so fast? Fast? He'd fallen in love with Sha're at first sight. With Sam, it had taken over six years to feel this way. No, it had taken over six years to wake up to it. He was certain now that the beginning of these feelings happened a long time ago. He'd simply been blind to them, blind until, as an amnesiac, he'd gazed upon her for the first time without the memories of Sha're to cloud his vision.
But then, it really didn't matter, did it. Regardless of when it started, nothing could come of it. Even if they weren't teammates, it would be too dangerous for them to step across that line separating friends from lovers. He had wanted to believe that the two of them would be great together, that they'd both be happy, but there was no guarantee of that. What if they got together and things didn't work out? It could ruin their friendship. Daniel had seen it happen before, had, in fact, lived it before. He and Sarah Gardner had been good friends before they became lovers. When their romantic relationship ended, so did their friendship. It wasn't long after their breakup that Daniel cut his ties with her, Steven and Doctor Jordan, so he didn't know if their friendship would have ever been repaired. He couldn't bear it if the same thing happened with Sam. He'd far rather just stay her friend for the rest of his life.
No, he and Sam needed to just stay friends. It was the safe and logical thing to do. But logic couldn't change what was in his heart. He had thought that he could handle this, just shove these feelings to the back of his mind and go on like before, but he was beginning to suspect that he'd been wrong, that he wasn't going to be able to handle this well at all. Which brought up one very important question. What the hell was he going to do?
As Sam drove home, she couldn't stop thinking about what had just happened. It had been amazing. For those few brief seconds, she had felt so vibrantly alive and so filled with pure, unadulterated desire that it had taken every scrap of willpower she possessed to stop it.
'Dammit, Sam. You're supposed to be handling this,' she told herself. 'What did you just tell yourself not even half an hour ago? You're supposed to get him out of your mind like that and focus on just being his friend and teammate. Why can't you do that?'
Angry at herself for what she perceived as a failure, Sam finished the drive to her house. She threw the keys and the mail from her mailbox on the coffee table and went to her computer to get her email. Having been gone for several days, she found quite a bit in her inbox, and she spent the next forty minutes going through it, deleting the spam and reading the stuff from friends and the various science groups and organizations to which she subscribed.
After that, she emailed back a few people then did a bit of dusting and straightening up. She checked the fridge to see what needed to be thrown away. Fortunately, she hadn't had many perishables. Sam knew that she was doing all these things in an effort to get her mind off Daniel. The problem was that she couldn't stay constantly busy every waking hour. Besides, it wasn't really working. Daniel was still right there, hovering like a ghost in the recesses of her mind, haunting her mercilessly.
Finally, Sam gave up and decided to go to bed. A good night's sleep might help. Yeah, right. Many of her nights recently had brought dreams of Daniel, of them making love, being together. It was driving her nuts and, worse, it made her very sad because they would never be more than dreams.
'You are not in love with him. You are not in love with him!' she told herself over and over again, wanting so desperately to believe it. It was just sexual attraction and her feelings of loneliness over being alone. After all, it had been many years since she had a man in her life. That's all it was. That's all it could be. If it was more . . . if it was more than that, she didn't know if she'd be able to deal with it. Why did this have to happen? Wasn't her life complicated enough already?
With a frustrated sigh, Sam got ready for bed, a part of her really not looking forward to tomorrow and how being around Daniel was going to mess with her heart.
Daniel had spent the last two hours doing stuff around the house, picking up the toys Danny left on the floor, taking care of some of the cleaning that he hadn't had time for during these days since he got home. But none of it was doing what he'd hoped it would, namely, get his mind off Sam and the question he'd asked himself after she left.
Feeling tired, Daniel made up his bed on the sofa. As he sat down, a thought occurred to him that this might be another good reason to transfer off SG-1. Not being on the same team, he'd see less of Sam, have less physical contact. Sure, they'd still see each other on base, still have occasional contact with each other during off-duty hours, but the less contact he had with her the better, at least until enough time had passed that he really could deal with these emotions of his, find the strength to love Sam as just a friend and forget that he wanted so much more.
Just then, Daniel heard Danny begin to whimper, a clear indication that the boy was having a nightmare. He went into the room and sat on the bed. As he began speaking to Danny soothingly, the child woke up and started to cry. Daniel held onto him.
"I don't ever want you to die," Danny sobbed. "Not ever."
Daniel closed his eyes, knowing that he could not give the boy what he wanted. Holding him tighter, Daniel soothed Danny until he slipped back into sleep.
After tucking the boy back in, Daniel returned to the couch. He turned off the light and laid down. He could not promise Danny that he'd never die, but he could do what would reduce the risk to his life, what would also make the situation with Sam easier.
In the darkness of the room, Daniel came to his decision. He would leave SG-1, both for Danny's sake and for his and Sam's.
