CHAPTER SIX
When Daniel entered the house, it was to see Sam quickly rise from the couch, wincing slightly at the pain it caused in her leg.
"I was starting to get worried about you," she said. "You've been gone for an hour." Just then, she saw the doctor. "Janet?"
"I'm sorry, Sam," Daniel apologized. "Janet and I bumped into each other. We got to talking, and I lost track of the time."
The physician came up to Sam. "I was on my way over here to check on you," she explained. "How are you doing?"
Sam sat back down. "Not bad, actually. My leg hurts a lot less than it did when I first came home. I don't need the crutches anymore." She glanced at the linguist. "Daniel's been taking very good care of me."
"Well, that doesn't surprise me. I didn't doubt for a minute that he would. Shall we go into your bedroom? I'd like to take a look at the wound and see how it's healing."
The two women headed to Sam's bedroom, where the astrophysicist removed her pants. Janet examined her leg, nodding in approval.
"It looks good. We should be able to remove the stitches on Thursday. I would be happier, though, if you would agree to stay at home a few additional days. I know that, as soon as you get back to your lab, you'll be all over the place, not letting your leg rest." She glanced at Sam. "I bet that Daniel wouldn't mind staying over longer."
Sam shook her head. "I don't want to impose on him any more than I already have."
"Haven't you liked having him here?"
"Are you kidding? He's been wonderful. He fixes all my meals, does everything around the house, pretty much waits on me hand and foot. He's supposed to be getting work done, but he doesn't want me to be bored, so he's been keeping me occupied." Sam smiled. "We played the funniest game of Scrabble this morning. To be honest, I'm going to miss him when he leaves. I've loved having him here. The funny thing is, it hasn't taken any getting used to at all, which is strange. I've been living alone for so long that having someone else here all the time should take some getting used to, shouldn't it? I mean, sharing the same bathroom in the morning, not having as much privacy, stuff like that. It should be at least a little bothersome, but it hasn't bothered me at all. I feel . . . comfortable having him here." She then recalled a moment just yesterday when she was definitely not feeling comfortable in his presence.
"What is it?" Janet said, seeing something flit across the major's face.
Sam waved her hand. "Oh, nothing, really," she claimed, but her blush gave her away. Seeing the way Janet was looking at her, she suspected that the doctor would pester her until she confessed her thoughts. "Daniel went jogging yesterday morning. I didn't know that he'd gotten into that. Anyway, he was just coming in when I came out of the bathroom, and I guess he didn't see me. He took off his top right there in the living room, and, well. . . ." Sam's blush heightened. "He's, um, developed some pretty good muscle definition these past few years. I, uh, kind of noticed."
Janet smiled. "You and my entire nursing staff, Sam. Daniel's always been their favorite, but, since he really started hitting the weights, they almost fight each other for the privilege of treating him. And when it comes time for his sponge bath, it just about turns into a civil war. I usually have to specifically assign someone to the duty to avoid problems."
Sam grew a grin. "Do you ever assign yourself to the duty?"
"Occasionally," Janet admitted. "Hey, I'm not immune to his obvious charms either, you know. I am of the female gender."
"Yeah, it should be a crime for a man to be that nice, that smart and that gorgeous. It's not fair. How are any of us poor females supposed to resist?"
Janet studied Sam closely. She wondered if her friend really realized what she was saying. She already knew that Sam loved Daniel deeply as a friend, but the major's words made her begin to wonder if what Sam felt was more than just friendship. If that was so, then it meant that Daniel's feelings for Sam weren't unrequited. It appeared, though, that, if Sam did have more than feelings of friendship for Daniel, she was largely unaware of it.
So, what could Janet do about this? Perhaps the first thing to do was to find out how Sam felt about her boyfriend.
"Soooo . . . I guess you and Pete are getting pretty serious, huh?" she asked.
"Um, yeah, I guess. I mean, this is the longest relationship I've had since my engagement to Jonas Hanson. I really like him a lot."
"Do you love him?"
"To be honest, I don't know. I think that I could love him, but our relationship is still new. We're still learning about each other. Did Daniel tell you that Pete came over today?"
'So, that's why Daniel was so upset.' Aloud, Janet replied, "No. How did he react to Daniel being here?"
"Not good. I suppose he was just acting like a normal guy, but it still irritated me. He wanted to take time off from work and take over for Daniel."
"Apparently, you said no."
Sam nodded. "It wouldn't have accomplished anything except make Pete happy because Daniel was no longer here. I had a long talk with him, tried to make him understand that Daniel would never do anything to harm me or betray my trust. He finally gave in, though he still wasn't happy. I dread to think of what his reaction is going to be when I tell him that I'm going to be going on vacation with Daniel."
The revelation caught Janet by surprise. "You and Daniel are going on vacation together?"
"Yeah, on our next leave. Daniel suggested it, and I think it would be a great idea. What with everything that's been going on these past few months, we haven't spent much time together, except when we're on a mission." Sam shook her head. "For that whole year that he was gone I missed him so much. I kept thinking about how much I wanted him back, and, now that we do have him back, I've hardly spent time with him at all. I can't let that go on."
"You and Daniel do have a very special relationship."
Sam smiled tenderly. "Yeah."
"You know, when I first saw you together, I thought that you were a couple."
Shocked, Sam stared at her. "You did?"
"Uh huh. That was before I found out that Daniel was married. You were both chatting away about something, totally oblivious to everyone else. The way you were reacting to each other, I'd have bet money that you were an item."
"Really? I guess I shouldn't be surprised. You're not the only one to think that. A lot of people still do."
"Does that bother you?"
"Well, obviously it did when Daniel was still married, but, later on, no, not really, which is strange, I guess. Perhaps it's because I wouldn't be ashamed if the rumors were true. After all, I could do a whole lot worse than have Daniel for a boyfriend. In fact, I really couldn't do any better."
'Oh, Sam, are you listening to yourself?' Janet silently asked her friend.
"And since he's not military, there was never the issue of regulations, and people who thought we were lovers couldn't accuse me of sleeping with him to get promoted," Sam added.
Janet nodded. "That's true. You could even stay on the same team as long as the general and Colonel O'Neill thought there wouldn't be a problem." There was a moment of silence. "So, what are you going to do if Pete makes a big stink about you going off on vacation with Daniel?"
"I'm not sure. I know that Daniel would say we should forget the whole thing since he wouldn't want me to jeopardize my relationship with Pete, but if I did that, it would be the same as if I'd let Pete do what he wanted to today. I know that a relationship is all about give and take, but I shouldn't have to give up important time with my best friend just to appease Pete's jealousy and overprotectiveness, should I?"
"No, you shouldn't, especially since Pete is not your husband or even your fiancé. It is way too early in your relationship for him to have any say in what you do." Janet looked at her friend long and hard. "Sam, do you mind if I give you some woman to woman advice?"
"No, not at all."
"I know that, before Pete, it had been a long time since you'd had a relationship with someone. I also know that you've had a lot of mixed up feelings for more than one man over these years that you've been with the SGC. Now, some handsome, charming, nice guy who really likes you comes along. Just make absolutely sure of what you're feeling, Sam, before you make any kind of commitment. When someone is really in love, they're willing to sacrifice a whole lot to be with that person. How much would you be willing to sacrifice to have a permanent relationship with Pete? The answer could tell you a lot about how you feel. You might even want to compare what you feel for him to your feelings for other men in you life, both past and present." She paused. "Whatever you do, Sam, don't settle for second best. In the end, you'll regret it."
"Second best? What does that mean?"
Janet got up. "Just think about it." She left the bedroom, wondering if she'd said enough. Her goal was to make Sam really analyze her feelings for Pete, to think about how much he meant to her compared to how much Daniel did. Hopefully, in doing that, Sam would eventually figure things out for herself. Daniel and Sam would be good for each other. They'd make each other happy, and there were no two people more deserving of that than they were.
"Well, she's doing very well, Daniel, and you are doing a wonderful job in caring for her," Janet told the archeologist when she came into the living room. "Perhaps if we're ever overwhelmed in the infirmary, I'll draft you as a nurse's aide."
Daniel held up his hands as if to fend her off. "No thank you, Janet. I spend way too much time in that place as it is."
Janet smiled and turned to Sam, who'd just exited the bedroom. "I'll expect to see you on Thursday to get those stitches out. And, like I said, I'd be happier if you'd take the rest of the week off. Frankly, you might as well since I know that you're going to be off this weekend anyway."
Sam nodded. "You're probably right. There really would be no point in me coming in just for a couple of days."
"Good. Daniel? Would you walk me out to my car?"
The archeologist accompanied the doctor to her car. She opened the door, then turned to him.
"Daniel, I promised that I wouldn't say anything to Sam about your feelings, and I won't, but I still think that you should. You shouldn't give up hope. Yes, Sam may be in a relationship now, but that doesn't mean you have no chance. There's no telling what the future may bring." Following through on a sudden impulse, Janet gave him a hug. He returned it after only a moment's hesitation.
"Thanks, Janet. You're a good friend."
She gave his arm a final squeeze, then got in her car.
From the living room window, Sam watched the doctor drive away. Daniel stood at the curb, hands shoved deep in his pockets, shoulders hunched forward and head bowed, a posture that spoke of a man who was deep in thought.
Sam went to the couch, wondering about the hug she had just witnessed. Could there be something going on between them? No, that couldn't be, could it? And, if there was, why should the thought bother her? Daniel and Janet were her friends. She should be happy at the idea that they might be together.
The opening of the door broke Sam's train of thought. She studied Daniel's face, but learned nothing from it.
"So, I bet you'll be happy to get those stitches out," he commented lightly as he entered the living room.
"Yes, I will. This thing is itching like crazy."
Daniel smiled very faintly. "Yep, I know what that's like. You're going to come back home after the stitches are out?"
Sam nodded. "Janet's right. I might as well stay home for the rest of the week."
"Do you want me to drive you home or will you take your car?"
"I'll take my car. I think I'll be okay to drive."
Daniel shoved his hands back into his pockets, and his head was once again turned downward. "So, I guess my job here will be over on Thursday."
Sam gazed at him. "It, um . . . doesn't have to be."
Daniel looked at her. "You mean stay the rest of the week with you?"
"Sure. Pete won't be arriving until Saturday morning. You could stay till Friday night. I could still use the help. That is if you want to."
Daniel thought about it. Did he want to stay? If she'd asked him that this morning, he wouldn't have hesitated to say yes. But now. . . . Yes, he still wanted to stay. Though a part of him was being torn apart by being with Sam and knowing it could never be like he wanted it to be, another part was craving her company, no matter what form that companionship took.
"Yes, I'd like to stay," he told her.
Sam gave him a smile. "Great. Then it's settled."
The rest of the day was a lot more subdued than the morning had been. Daniel got in some work as Sam read . . . or at least tried to read. She actually spent more time thinking about what had happened that day, including what Janet said.
Sam was surprised to realize that she had not really analyzed her feelings for Pete, not as closely as she should have. Perhaps it was time that she did. She knew that she cared a lot about him, and she believed that they could have something really good together. But how much would she sacrifice in order to be with him? Being brutally honest with herself, she knew that there were things that she would not be willing to give up, such as her career in the Air Force and her place in the SGC. Those things were too important to her. She would not have been willing to give them up to pursue a relationship with Jack, and she would not be willing to do so to stay with Pete. Maybe she would someday, if they ever reached the point where they were talking about marriage. That was something she wouldn't know until the time came, if it ever did.
There were other things, though, that she knew she would never give up for Pete, no matter how far their relationship developed. Sam found her gaze going to Daniel, who was absorbed in a translation. Though Sam didn't like to think about it, if Pete could not accept the relationship she had with Daniel, she knew that she could not sacrifice what she had with her best friend for her boyfriend's sake.
Sam's thoughts turned to something else. How would she react if she lost Pete, if something happened to him? She knew that it would really hurt, just like it hurt when she lost Narim and Martouf, far more than that since she never developed a real relationship with either of those men. But she believed that, in time, she would heal, move on from his death.
Again, Sam looked over at Daniel, thinking about how it felt when she lost him. It was a pain more agonizing than anything she'd felt since her mother died. During the year that he was gone, that pain gradually lessened, enough that she could get through the day without wishing every second that he was there. But the deep ache to see him again never went away, and not a day passed that she didn't miss him. She lost count of the times that she longed for him to come back.
Would she ever have gotten past that, reached the point where he no longer entered her mind? Perhaps, eventually, thoughts of him would have dwindled to the point where she could have gotten through several days – maybe even weeks – without thinking of him, but she knew that she would have missed him for the rest of her life. A part of her would never have healed from his loss, just like a part of her still ached over the loss of her mother, even after all these years.
"Sam, what's wrong?"
Daniel's anxious voice snapped Sam out of her thoughts. She was horrified to realize that she'd been crying. She hastily wiped the tears away and sniffed.
"Nothing. I was just being silly."
Daniel settled on the couch beside her. "Sam, you were crying. There's nothing silly about that."
"I was just . . . remembering things, sad things."
"What?" Daniel asked gently.
Sam looked in his eyes. "I was remembering when you were gone, how much I missed you. I was thinking about how I'd have felt if you never came back."
His eyes full of emotion, Daniel pulled her into a gentle hug. She wrapped her arms around him, letting herself relax in his embrace. And it felt so good. She didn't want the hug to end.
Daniel's hand was slowly rubbing up and down Sam's back. "We've never really talked about this, have we," he murmured.
"No, I guess we haven't. We just sort of avoided the subject." Sam drew away until only one of Daniel's arms was around her, draped snugly over her shoulders.
"Do you want to talk about it now?" he asked.
Sam thought about it and decided that it was time that she did. She took a deep breath. "It hurt, Daniel. It hurt a lot losing you. I told you that it was one of the hardest things I'd ever gone through, and that was true. You're my best friend, and you were gone. I missed you every day, every single day. On almost every mission we went on, I thought about how you would have handled the situations we encountered, how differently things might have gone if you'd been with us. You have a way of looking at things, a way of doing things like no one else. You are so unique in so many ways. I missed your . . . your heart and your spirit. I know that the colonel and Teal'c did, too. Without you, it's like SG-1 and the SGC were missing a huge part of their soul. And I missed you in so many other ways, too. I missed having you show up in my lab in the wee small hours of the morning with a cup of coffee and the willingness to listen to me ramble on about what I was doing. I missed going to your office and seeing the look of rapt fascination on your face as you studied some artifact. I missed your passionate pleas for a little more time at some archeological find, your impassioned arguments over the rightness of some course of action. I missed everything about you and everything that having you as a friend gave me." Sam was battling tears again. "I wanted you back, Daniel. I wanted my best friend back."
Daniel pulled her back into his arms. He hid his own tears from her, but he could not hide the sound of them in his voice. "I'm so sorry, Sam. I never meant to hurt you." He tightened his arms. "I missed you, too."
"I thought you didn't remember anything about that time, except for what you saw happen on Erebus."
"I don't, really, but I've begun to recall memories of feelings, sensations I experienced during that time, and I know that I missed you, Jack and Teal'c a lot. I have a feeling that I hung around you guys for a while, checked up on you. I have this fleeting memory of seeing all of you going off to dinner and wishing that I could join you."
Sam pulled back and stared at him, stunned. "That was you?"
"What was me?"
"After our first mission without you, we went out to eat. As we headed to the elevator, there was a brief gust of wind in the hallway. We thought it was a malfunction in the ventilation system."
"I don't know. I guess it could have been me."
Sam smiled. "That makes me feel better, knowing that you were with us sometimes. But then, I guess you must have been since you somehow knew when both the colonel and Teal'c needed you." She gave a sigh. "I just wish. . . ."
"What?"
"I wish that you'd come to me, too."
Daniel dropped his arms from around her and took her hand. He stared down at their entwined fingers. "I don't know why I didn't, Sam. I read about what Nirrti did to you, her experiments. Maybe I couldn't come to you. Maybe something prevented me from doing so."
"Or maybe it was because I wasn't alone."
Daniel looked at her. "What do you mean?"
"After Nirrti put me in that machine, I was taken back to where the others were. They were with me. I wasn't alone like the colonel was when he was a prisoner of Ba'al."
"Teal'c told me that I visited him in his dreams after the Jaffa massacre, when he was trying to keep himself and Bra'tac alive with just the one symbiote."
Sam nodded. "There was no one there to help him. He was alone, except for Bra'tac, who was unconscious most of the time." Sam took his other hand. "Daniel, I really believe that, if it had just been me there in that place, if the rest of SG-1 hadn't been there as well, you would have come to me. You wouldn't have let me die alone."
"Sam, if I could have stopped what happened—"
"I know, Daniel," she said, not letting him finish. "I know that, even if you were there and saw what was happening, your hands would have been tied. You couldn't have interfered. The others would most likely have stopped you, just like you were prevented from stopping Anubis. I was never angry at you for not having helped me then. What I really wished was that you had just come to see me sometime, simply to say hi."
Daniel's gaze dropped from hers yet again. "I don't think I could have, Sam."
"You think that Oma would have kept you from doing that?"
"No, I don't think she would have stopped me. Why should she?"
"Then what do you mean?"
Daniel's eyes lifted to meet hers. "It would have been too . . . hard. If I had gone to visit you, talk with you, it would have hurt too much, because I'd have known that I would have to say goodbye again." His gaze returned to his lap. He was, therefore, taken by surprise when Sam gathered him into her arms. But it was a wonderful surprise. He held her close, letting her soothe away some of the pain inside, wishing that he could hold her forever. But, as he knew it must, the hug eventually ended.
"I guess I never really thought about the fact that you must have been missing us, too," Sam murmured. "It must have been very lonely for you."
"Yeah, it was. That's one of the emotions I remember. I think there were times in the beginning when I thought about going back to being human. But I get the impression that it got better in time. I wish I could remember everything."
"Well, you're back with us now, and that's what matters most."
As planned, Daniel fixed the steaks for dinner, marinating them in the barbecue sauce. Sam insisted on helping with the dinner preparation, and the two of them worked side by side in the kitchen. Daniel couldn't help but think about how domestic it felt, like they were a married couple going about the usual daily task of preparing a family meal. He could picture a couple of kids in the living room watching TV, a baby in a playpen over in the corner of the dining room. A dog snoozing on the couch was then added to the mental image.
Sam was busy making a white sauce for the vegetables when she glanced at Daniel and saw a smile unlike any she'd ever before seen on his face. It was a gentle smile of happiness and contentment. He had paused in what he was doing and appeared to be deep in thought.
"What are you thinking about?" she asked.
Startled out of his daydream, Daniel looked at her, then quickly away.
"Oh, I was just daydreaming." Suspecting that Sam might press him for more information, he then said something that suddenly popped into his head upon seeing a bit of flour on the counter. "Did I ever tell you about the yaphetta flour incident?"
"Yaphetta flour?"
"Yeah. It's a flour made from an Abydonian grain. Though husbands aren't supposed to do any kind of cooking, that didn't prevent Sha're from having me grind the flour. Of course I'd never ground my own flour before, so I was totally inept at it. And things got even worse when I inhaled some of it and started sneezing my brains out. The flour went all over the place, including on me. So, there I am, covered in this white powder, unable to see a thing because my glasses are coated in the stuff as well, and I start hearing hysterical laughter. I take my glasses off, and there's Sha're, laughing so hard that she looks like she's just about to start rolling around on the floor."
Sam began to laugh, her mind conjuring up the image of the incident.
"You must have been so embarrassed."
"Yeah, but, to be honest, I preferred the laughter to the attitude of the other Abydonians."
Sam frowned slightly. "What do you mean?"
"They considered Jack, Ferretti, Kawalsky and me to be their saviors, and since I was the only one left on Abydos, I was the sole focus of the, um . . . gratitude. They just about treated my like a god. Talk about embarrassing!"
Sam smiled, thinking that a lot of guys in that position would eat it up. They'd love the attention and accolades. It surprised her not one little bit that Daniel found it embarrassing instead.
"Thankfully, that attitude faded in time," he said, "though I was always treated with a lot more deference by many of them than I deserved to be. Not by Kasuf, though. I was his son-in-law, after all, and he was the Abydonians' leader."
Sam nodded slightly. She paused before asking the next question. "Do you ever think about what you'd be doing now if Apophis never went to Abydos?"
"Sure. Despite the fact that Jack was under orders to bring me back to Earth, he wouldn't have succeeded. I'd have refused to go, and if he had tried to force the issue . . . well, let's just say that, though the Abydonians liked him, too, they wouldn't have allowed him to take me against my will."
Sam stared at him. "You think they might have resorted to violence?"
"Well, maybe not violence, but things could have gotten pretty tense. I doubt that Jack would have pushed it."
"But what if, after the colonel got back to Earth, General Hammond sent someone else through who wouldn't take no for an answer?"
Daniel shook his head. "That wouldn't have happened. The second that Jack and the others were gone, I'd have had the gate buried again. Then I would have spent the rest of my life on Abydos, just being a husband, teacher . . . and frustrated archeologist."
"Frustrated archeologist?"
"Yeah. Making amazing archeological discoveries doesn't really mean much if you can't share them with others. When I found that cartouche room, you have no idea how much I ached to tell the archeological community on Earth. It drove me nuts that no other archeologist would ever see it or even know of its existence."
"I never really thought about that, how much you must have wanted to share all those discoveries with your peers." She studied him closely. "Do you still want that? We have made so many incredible archeological discoveries on other planets."
"Of course I'd love to tell others what we've found, but I understand now that Earth isn't ready for the knowledge of the Goa'uld and all the other extraterrestrial threats that are out there. That has to take precedence over my selfish desire to tell everyone what I've discovered out there in the galaxy."
Sam snorted. "Selfish? Daniel, there is not a selfish bone in your body."
Daniel's cheeks colored slightly at the compliment. "I wouldn't say that."
"Well, I would. You are about the most unselfish person I have ever met. You always put the needs of others above your own. I doubt that there is any personal desire you have that you wouldn't sacrifice if it would be best for someone else."
Daniel shook his head. "No, that's not true," he declared before realizing that he shouldn't have admitted that. The thought had come to his mind that if giving up his place in the SGC would enable him to have a relationship with Sam, he'd do so without hesitation, even if his loss from the program would be a detriment to it.
Sam's gaze grew penetrating. "Okay, then give me an example."
Daniel was suddenly feeling trapped. He couldn't tell her the truth, but he wasn't going to make something up.
Not looking at her, he replied, "There are just . . . private things that I want a great deal, and if I had to make choices to get them that might not be in the best interest of some other people, I'd probably do it anyway. I'm not a saint, Sam."
"I know you're not, Daniel."
The archeologist turned his gaze to the cooking meat. "These steaks are going to be done soon," he announced, glad that he had a valid reason to change the subject. "Is the white sauce ready?"
Sam stared down at the bowl before her. "Um, just about." She quickly finished what she was doing, though her mind was still on what Daniel had said. What were the private things he was talking about? She was dying of curiosity, but she wasn't going to pry. If Daniel wanted her to know, he'd have told her.
The dinner conversation was mostly small talk, thanks to Daniel's efforts to keep it that way. He was almost relieved when the time came for bed.
As he lay on the couch, staring into the darkness, he thought about what he would do and not do to have a life with Sam. After a few minutes, he stopped himself, figuring that it was pointless to think about such things. She would always be just a friend. And he really was very lucky to have Sam as a friend. Today had illustrated that yet again. He really did need to put all thoughts of having more with her out of his head and just be satisfied with what he had.
